Types of Messenger Contacts

WARNING: This article has a lot of computer humor. If you don't understand it, you aren't a geek press Alt+F4 to optimize it.

WARNING: A lot of this article seems to have been written in Engrish. This adds to the hilarity.

WARNING: The writer of this article shows signs of bad grammar.

Contact kinds

Besides their nicks, we can classify the contacts by a deep psychological analysis.

Annoying

They are in the first place of our list. They are the typical people that starts conversations all the time with silly things that you don't want to read, but you read them anyway. Their nicks usually begin with a hyphen to appear first in your contacts list and make them feel important. They don't care if you are not available, absent or whatever, they simply talk and talk you. The Annoying-Telegraphist fusion can have devastating effects.

• The subkind yes-then-no: Logs in 450 times with the infuriating login sounds and annoying dialog boxes.
• Who gives you nonstop buzzes so your computer freezes and... you have to reset it. This causes a game that should be forbidden by the UN: The buzzwar.

Telegraphist

Isn't too much of a bad person. Simply believes that every sent message must not have more than 3 words or the world as we know it will implode. He/she has the inner paranoia that if we aren't constantly reading their lines we'll commit suicide. So, as a result, if we have these guys online, we get a telegraphic conversation. It slowly evolves into an "I'll-tell-you-my-life-story", end yourself now, because you WILL get the same damn message over 9000 times ad nauseam.

Anonymous

Believes that your memory is so good, he/she deletes his/her name to replace it with a retarded phrase. It's the same guy who starts annoying you, all while you're asking yourself “Who the hell is he?”. The only thing that can save you is looking at their avatar, their font or their e-mail address. Believe me, with a list of 100 contacts or more that can be infernal. But the best of all is when he tells you “I'm Albert. Don't you remember me?!”. Of course, it's perfectly normal that you must associate h1r45868@hotmail.com or the phrase “YOODADEEDADEHDOOO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DAH-DAH-DAH-DOH a-gos-sip-a-gain!” with your lifelong friend Albert.

"I'll-tell-you-my-life-story-in-my-nickname"

These are very (un)funny. Because when they are well-known people, nothing happens. But when is almost unfamiliar mob that you added by third causes (they usually are fruitless win over attempts or people who desperately needed your help), you laugh quite much of the things that happens them. (I don't know either, k?) Whether his girlfriend let him, he has gets fined, suspended from something, a career approved in record time...

"

Thanks Loreena and Liz by being my friends unlike another girls. Tomorrow I'll go shopping in the mall with Liz and Loree.

I´m not sad anymore, I'm better than ever hahaha. WE ARE THE CRAZIEST!

"

There's a subkind that tells what are they doing every millisecond of their lives via messenger nickname "Studying", "I went to the supermarket", "Taking a shower", "In the kitchen", "Sleeping"... Oh hell! Why is the "Not available" state? Some excuse themselves saying that if the use the "Not available" state instead of writing "Watching TV" in your nickname, fgs.

They can be attacked with sarcasm by using nicknames like "Breathing", "Drinking water" or "Eating a sandwich".

"I never am here"

Hermit and fractious. In theory, they connects with the sole intention to inform their contacts that they aren't there. they are in "Not available" or "Absent" state 24/7. But the good thing is that they are really there. It's extremely rewarding to fill the conversation window with lines to an “I never am here” contact, because we know they really is there, and you know that they will read them. (Everyone reads them, even the contacts that we hate).

Philosopher

Who without infringing the "I'll-tell-you-my-life-story"'s rules writes beside the name a little inspirational phrase. They're pleasant, you know who they are by only reading the nickname and normally their phrases are better than the “Wow, what a nis bab with da woweee” kind of phrases. Unfortunately the happiness ends when discovering their obsession of opposing your ideas and to question everything you say, mocking you and trying to act superior. There are 3 subkinds...

Almanac: Changes their nick everyday and brings your messenger into life with a eloquence rainbow.

Usurper: Who asks you "Do you like the phrase? It's mine!", when it clearly isn't.

And the self-proclaimed genius:

"The world is running out of geniuses. Einstein died, Beethoven went deaf, and I have a headache"

Dull people

They aren't bad, they don't screw with one's mind. They have never changed their name, possibly since the jurassic period.

Impact art

The guys who fill their nicknames with thousands of ASCII characters that even the original ASCII users didn't know of their existance, and topping it off with random emoticons. If any of them evolve into "I'll-tell-you-my-life-story", your eyes will be raped.

Windows Live Vulture

The guy whose contacts list is filled exclusively with the girls' addresses that he could force out of them, or while stalking. Said girls usually show their tiny interest simply answering the initial "Hello" and suspending the conversation until you crack.

Marginated

They come over all emo if you don't talk them on messenger even if you are busy. They will start conversations with you every 5 minutes at least.

The psychopath

The stereotypical nerds. If you are talking them online, you'll notice their lack of social life, or any life for that matter. It's common that they have no feelings whatsoever. If they think that the video you posted sucked, they will make sure to rub it into your face, no matter what. They usually ignore you if you say "I'll talk later" and insist upon talking. Unlike the original author of this paragraph stated, blocking does work, so long as you know how to use it properly, damnit.

Deserted

They're status is permanently set to "offline". This is usually because either they lost internet connection alltogether, swapped accounts without telling you, or simply found something better to do than hang around msn all day.

Windows Live Vulturemates

The girls who attract said "Windows live vultures", but they keep them in the friend zone. They follow them around or maybe even get excited ("I have a cyberboyfriend, I'm the best! ^_^"). They usually act like whores by sparing no details... ("Taking a shower", "Dressing up while talking", etc.) They use photos taken from a dating website and more slutty phrases. They're usually twinks, pedophiles, fat or complete munters no one would touch with a ten-foot dildo.

Speechless

The only things they ever send are emoticons. Seriously. You could tell them your entire life story, they'd respond with a single emoticon and nothing more.

Talkative

They love to stay off topic and constantly yap about their uninteresting life and other shit nobody cares about.

Indecisive

Speaks for itself, really. People who constantly change their email address and request you add the new address every five seconds.

Linkers

Usually notorious spammers who try to impress one by sending out links to any websites that they find remotely cool and/or funny.

Dynamics

They swap everything around (background, colour of their name, etc). The ending result is that one will be blinded by said faggotry.

"Download this"

They believe their music is the best. They will send you songs at least 100 times, then constantly ask for your opinion. There is no answer that will make them go away, because they'll either respond with a nicely-sizd flamewar or some stupid phrase like "Did you listen to the guitar solo? Great, right?", depending on what you said.

The worst are those that begin with "Hey, download this song" and never shuts the fuck up until you obey. You may think that you've gotten rid of him/her, FINALLY, but in a week or so they'll force you to download the entire album in the same manner, and then the rest of the albums.

Comment Whore

They're (usually) girls, the only thing they ever do is send their photoblog (or whatever) link to a comment box. Chain letters are almost certainly involved.

Txt

Thy spk lyk cmpleet rtrds nd mss out vowls or mssspll evry scond wrd, kk?

Oracle

Someone who devotes himself to giving love advice to girls. Most likely a pedophile. Sometimes they meet up and the magic happens.

Oracle philosopher

Gives advice to anyone about anything incomprehensible metaphors to look intelligent/interesting/superior.

Counter-trend

Instead of starting the conversation with "Hi, How're you?", they just charge straight into the topic they chose, or make it up as they go along. In the next conversation, when you ask them how they are, they do exactly the same thing as before. After a week of ignoring them, they finally start up a normal conversation, seemingly in defeat.