Trouser snake
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NOT SAFE FOR PLANES!! |
| The snake you are looking at may not be plane safe! If Samuel L. Jackson saw this, claim that he did not look like a bitch. Otherwise, continue to read it until your serpentine urges are sated. Or not. |
“Vaginae aren't the only things that enjoy eating trouser snakes.”
“I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES IN THESE MOTHERFUCKING TROUSERS!!”
“That's immature.”
The trouser snake (pictured below, nesting in its native habitat), or Genitalis masculus, is one of the few warm-blooded reptiles still in existence. The trouser snake is a solitary creature, and usually small, relatively harmless, and docile. it will try to intimidate the intruder by standing tall and puffing up, it can sometimes increase several times in size (but rarely). As a last resort, if intimidation does not work, the trouser snake may resort to spitting at its perceived threat.
A trousersnake is a cylindrical, parasitic organism living below the abdomen of most shemale human. The organism, though blind, senses other organisms through spongelike tissue that engorges with blood upon detection. Measuring at least one length in foot, a trousersnake forms a unique bond with its host, providing pleasure and entertainment in exchange for a place to stay. A trousersnake can secrete a substance called piss to entice and render unconscious those who come into contact with it.
Trousersnakes come in many shapes and sizes, most being between 2 to 3 feet long. Most trousersnakes have a collar of skin that protect it from the elements when it does not feel like being active. In some places, like the United States of America, circumcision has been performed on trousersnakes to render them defenseless against unsuspecting visitors, the weather, and women.
The life cycle of a trousersnake begins with birth. A parent trousersnake uses budding to create more trousersnakes, and these smaller trousersnakes seek out hosts to pair with. Once a young trousersnake finds a host, it latches on to the lower abdomen of its host. Young trousersnakes usually are extremely passive and indifferent to almost everything because their young status means they are left alone by threats. Once a trousersnake reaches maturity, however, usually in in 13th year or so, it's instinctive fear of women kicks in.
In some cases the trousersnake can become very threatened, especially by women, and therefore become extremely volatile, changing shape and growing about twice its size and hardening (a lot like a pinecone or armadillo). Once threatened the trouser snake can do any of many things. Sometimes, a Trouser snake will, despite it's terror, be pushed inside it's enemy by it's host where, in desperation, it will shoot it's defensive projectile fluid. Usually, this results in it's escape. If the snake doesn't end up being pushed into it's enemy, it will gradually calm down and return to it's normal size. However, often times a snake's host will accidentally pull up a webpage or a magazine featuring images or videos of the snake's enemy and the snake will become fearful. The host usually ties to calm the snake down by petting and stroking it, but it almost never works and the terrified animal ends up shooting it's defensive fluid all over the floor, the host's clothing, or into a sock.
In October 2011, Justin Timberlake won an award for helping to protect trouser snakes.
Habitat[edit | edit source]
The habitat of the trouser snake, as the name suggests, is trousers. Invariably it's male trousers, as the snakes seem to have a particular dislike of women. If a woman simply comes within sight of a trouser snake it will often stand vigil and puff up threateningly. Another reason male trousers are preferred is because most men don't wear skirts, so they provide a more stable habitat.
Natural enemies[edit | edit source]
Things that scare the trouser snake include:
- Vaginae - A vagina is a trouser snakes greatest fear. A vagina may consume as many as ten trouser snakes in one day and continue this rate of consumption for up to a month. After having finished gorging itself, the vagina may go into hibernation for 9 to 10 months. Upon sight of a vagina the trouser snake will assume a defensive stance, stand erect, and as a last resort will shoot an unusual sticky white fluid in defense into the mouth of its attacker. However, soon after this, it often deflates and is unable to spit again for at least a short while.
- Boobs - Boobs are often the most terrifying part of a women to a trouser snake.
- Women in general - It's easy to see why trousers snakes might dislike women; but even though women may jokingly pretend to eat it, they never actually do and are in fact harmless.
- Feet - there are some very weird little trouser snakes that have an intense fear of womens' feet.
- Other trouser snakes - again, there are some even weirder little snakes that are intensely fearful of each other.
Reproduction[edit | edit source]
Trouser snakes are promiscuous creatures with their mating season being year-round. Their mating ritual usually consists of mating with the species in the Vagina family, a natural enemy of the snake. The snake, pushed into the vagina by it's host,in fear will thrust back and forth in attempt to escape constantly for periods ranging from 7-450 minutes or even longer with certain varieties. After 7-450+ minutes the snake spits its venom and retreats back to its hosts trousers. The venom does not kill the vagina (usually) but, instead, impregnates it. After nine months a disgusting little animal known as a baby is born and with the baby comes the trouser snake. Sometime the trouser snake is killed while in the womb and come birth, the species known as a female is born with a vagina instead of a snake.
Some species of trouser snake don't ever mate with vagina's but sometimes the arse of a fellow trouser snake's host. This species is known as Genitalis homosis or the gay snake for short. It remains unclear how this species spawns (due to the lack of impregnating) but scientists have determined that this breed of trouser snake is somehow successful and has survived in all areas of the world by being a genetic anomaly.
Known species[edit | edit source]
- Genitalis masculus - or the common snake
- Genitalis Homosis - or the gay snake
- Genitalis Microsis - a snake known for <2.5 inches yet able to reproduce
- Genitalis Negrosis - an unusually large breed found primarily in Africa
- Genitalis Acornosis - an unusually small breed resembling an acorn in the grass
- Genitalis Glowus - a close relation to the wiggly glowworm.
- Genitalis Kingulus - the king of snakes owned by Charlie Harper