The Wheel of Time
The Wheel of Time is a door stopper product line contrived by James Oliver Rigney, Jr. (hiding behind the made-up name "Robert Jordan"). The products are also frequently used to straighten crumpled paper. For a treat, each product contains hundreds of pages of descriptions of clothing. When Rigney (if that's his real name) died (that's the official story), one of the most productive decorative literature creators, Brandon Sanderson, was chosen to write the last three entries, after which many weaker bookshelves collapsed. The series contains over 4,000,000 words and describes about 300,000 distinct articles of clothing, each of which are central to a reader's understanding of the product line.
Setting[edit | edit source]
The remains of yesterday's soup with whatever else is in the fridge, only the pot contains whatever George Lucas left over from Taoism, and there's still some past-its-expiry-date off-brand Hinduism in said fridge. Men and women do different things with magic, only men are forbidden from doing anything with magic because it makes them go insane, which is why men usually create angry podcasts about their frustrations instead of doing anything useful in this world.
Everybody speaks the same language, even the Aiel who lived alone in the desert for thousands of years without much outside contact. This is an advanced technique for worldbuilding to not overburden your readers. It is also unfortunate everyone understands the Aiel because they talk about nothing else besides their convoluted customs. It is generally recommended to skip any Aiel dialogue and read Dune instead as the Fremen are basically the same thing but you don't have to read three paragraphs to find out what they're wearing and how much honor they currently have rounded to five decimal points.
The woman who do magic are called Aes Sedai (pronounced "Ice Ice Baby"). They have everything men have, including their very own pope. The factions in this organization are named after crayon colors because all Robert Jordan does is describe clothing so they have to be distinguished here. When women wear red dresses they hate men; when women wear green dresses they like men; when women wear yellow or brown dresses they sell cocaine or are nerds, respectively; if one of the other dresses is stained yellow or brown, they ate or drank too much and subsequently changed factions.
Characters[edit | edit source]
Rand al'Thor[edit | edit source]
Rand Paul [sick!] has very little understanding of the BBB, especially the tremendous GROWTH that is coming. He loves voting “NO” on everything, he thinks it’s good politics, but it’s not. The BBB is a big WINNER!!!
— Donald Trump on Rand al'Thor
Just a kid from a backwoods village who has the weight of the world on his shoulders. Can't go wrong there. His wrestling name is The Dragon Reborn.
Mat Cauthon[edit | edit source]
Literally me.
Perrin Aybara[edit | edit source]
Big and dull. Fails to do anything of note. Something with wolves happens here I don't know I was asleep during those chapters.
Egwene al'Vere[edit | edit source]
Just a kid from a backwoods village who has the weight of the world on her shoulders. Can't go wrong there. Her wrestling name is Nutcrusher.
Nynaeve al'Veara[edit | edit source]
Tyrannical borderline patient who frantically rips out her own hair whenever she has to do something or talk to someone (the phrase "Nynaeve tugged at her braid" appears 344531 times[1] throughout the series).
Moiraine[edit | edit source]
Books[edit | edit source]
The Eye of the World[edit | edit source]
The Great Hunt[edit | edit source]
The gang look for a trumpet that can summon great warriors of ages past (including Hulk Hogan and a dead fish who is the reincarnation of a hero of the War of the Trolloc Resurgence of the Second Age when the grass was green and the girls were pretty).
The Dragon Reborn[edit | edit source]
Everything but what's on the packaging, which is great because don't you love a good Perrin chapter to wipe your ass with.
The Shadow Rising[edit | edit source]
Oh right the Dark One. See Satan and tit. Well here he's on the rise.
The Fires of Heaven[edit | edit source]
Perrin isn't in this book. Listen to Free Falling by Tom Petty for more information.
Lord of Chaos[edit | edit source]
These books are now a regular part of your life. You always have one lying around. Maybe the bookmark stays in the same place for a few weeks, maybe you read one from end to end in two weeks, but they're always there. Are you ready to let go again? The next book is the halfway point. After that you're going to have to count your days, man.
A Crown of Swords[edit | edit source]
This begins the slog. The slog is four books which consist mostly of detailed descriptions of menstrual cycles and depressed men banging their heads against the wall.
The Path of Daggers[edit | edit source]
You deserve every single Perrin chapter, you filthy pig.
Winter's Heart[edit | edit source]
Climate change happened so the girls find the greenhouse bowl and fix it.
Crossroads of Twilight[edit | edit source]
Elayne Trakand continues trying to solidify her hold on the Lion Throne of Andor.
See rolling your head on the keyboard for a text with an equivalent amount of consequence for the plot of this series.
Knife of Dreams[edit | edit source]
Runner's high takes hold of your after you wanted to kill yourself for the last four legs of the marathon.
The Gathering Storm[edit | edit source]
Almost done.
Towers of Midnight[edit | edit source]
Almost done.
A Memory of Light[edit | edit source]
Done. Finito. Congrats. Pat yourself on the back. You imagined Perrin for countless hours of your life, and made it to the end.
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