The Aristocrats Christmastime Special
A man with a beard barges into a talent agents office, a wild look in his eye, and says that he and his family have a Christmas holiday act that will knock the man flat on his back. "You have never seen anything like this!"
The agent, who is not amused says "I've seen a lot of family acts, and none of them are any good. And Christmastime acts don't have real staying power - they spoil quickly."
The man persists and eventually the man wears down the talent agent, who begrudgingly agrees to review the act just to get rid of the guy. “OK,” says the agent, “lets see what you got and determine if it has legs or not.”
So the guy with the beard darts out of the office and comes in followed by his very pregnant wife, who is riding atop and sorry looking mule. With them is short guy dressed in rags, and three tall men dressed in robes. Each one of the men in bathrobes has cow or a goat. The man with the beard starts to scatter straw on the floor, positions the barnyard animals before he takes the reigns of the mule and begins to outline the story:
“OK, I play a carpenter named Joseph, who has taken his wife,” he says, gesturing to the woman in the mule, “Mary, to Bethlehem. After traveling for a very long time, we are tired, and finding no place to stay, we come across the last inn in town."
At this prompt, the man in rags steps forward and “Joseph” pretends to knock on a nonexistent door. “May I help you,” says the man in rags.
“I am Joseph, this is Mary, we are looking for a room,” says the man.
“I am the innkeeper. The inn is full. You may sleep in the stable instead,” says the man in rags.
The man with the beard steps out of character and says “So we walk to the stable, see, and then Mary gets down from the ass,” he says as the pregnant woman does the same, “and I say 'We will rest here.'”
The agent leans forward and says “So far I don't see anything special.”
The man with the beard winks, “Oh you will soon...”
Just as she says back, the woman spreads her legs revealing that she has no underwear, her vulva is swollen, her vaginal lips spreading as she goes into spasms. All the time this is going on, the other men do nothing. The woman screams, and the men still do nothing. The agent becomes uncomfortable and says “Maybe we should call a doctor...”
“Shhhhh....” says the man with the beard. “It is coming....”
And with that a newborn babe emerges from the woman's genitalia. The man with the beard stops the bleeding, helps to cleanse the baby, after it is born, and wraps it in swaddling clothes.
“Its a boy!” he calls out and there is polite applause from the other players. He then sits down and eventually the three other men come forward to present the baby with gifts of Gold, frankincense and myrrh.
Joseph beams. Mary smiles. The baby coos. The room is filled with peace and joy as a soft beam of daylight pierces the window glass and baths the child in a shimmering glow. A soft chorus of harp music begins to play in the back ground. The agent is even smiling.
"Perfect," says the agent.
"But, wait, there's more!" says the man with the beard.
Joseph then takes out a knife - its steal flashes a cold silver - and circumcises the baby, which then screams with agony. The three wise men rip the clothing off the woman playing Mary and proceed to fuck the living daylights out of her.
Suddenly, one of the wise men gets up and mounts the mule from the rear. "Lord forgive me for fucking this sorry looking, tired old ass!" he cries out.
The man dressed in rags engages in anilingus with the goat, and when it could get no more depraved, the three wise men turned their attention to the babe...
So Joseph marches over to the agent who is glassy eyed from being blindsided by the whole shockingly sinful event unfolding before his very eyes,handing him the small shard of skin.
"I have never seen anything like this – what do you call this?" asks the talent agent, his eyes riveted on the depravity before him.
“Its a foreskin you schmuck,” say the man playing Joseph. "You can eat it, like calamari."
“No, I mean this act – what do you call this spectacle that has overtaken my office!”
“Oh, this...,” he says waving his hand at the carnal scene before him. “We call this: The Aristocrats Christmastime Special!”
