Stony Brook University
Stony Brook University, the little known of 12th Circle of Hell, where average American students from Long Island and New York City waste 4 to 6 years of their life. This is a hell of bureaucracy, red tape, and uninspired faculty. The denziens of this level of hell are fed a slop that is normally rejected from slaughter houses. The weather is rather extreme, either hot and humid, or frigid and windy; several of the weaker denziens die off every year due to exposure, sun stroke, and asthma. Other dangers on this level include: rabid squirrels, vermin, RHD's, and the still living food in Roth Cafeteria.
An in-depth discussion would be needlessly exhaustive and quite detailed, so we shall simply break down the classes offered at Stony Brook into two categories:
(i.e. any B.S. (Bullshit) degree, be in Chemistry, Biology, Physics, Mathematics, Biochemistry, Earth and Space Sciences, Robot Physiology, Advanced Computer Hacking, Advanced Computer Hacking II, Psychology (Interrogation Techniques and Practical Torture Training,) and other related courses:
The workload is insane and beyond all reason and/or belief. You are expected to construct your lab instruments from raw materials, calibrate them to within the precision of most high tech industrial corporations, then use your newly fashioned tools in highly experimental (and volatile) simulations, where the smallest error will cause you to be exposed to mutagens, carcinogens, and radioactive substances that will immediately reduce your life span, and expose you to various side-effects, such as hearing/vision loss, diarrhea, upset stomach, headache, neurosis, epilepsy, claustrophobia, an irrational compulsion to eat spiders, hair loss (or gain for women,) and finally the sweet release of death.
Even if you manage not to make a mistake (highly unlikely, as classes are designed by the administration to lose at least 50% of their students to "collateral damage and random accidents,") then you must cope with daily examinations, hourly essay assignments, and continuous submission of lab reports. Failure to perform well in your courses causes you to be immediately expelled, conscripted in an underground slave army performing various menial tasks, without being given food or water. Those who cannot survive those conditions are finally "recycled" and become part of the menu in any of the more than dozen dining locations on campus.If you are lucky enough, you do get a chance to eat food items that are freshly prepared a month ago.
The precious few who survive these horrors are immediately arrested by the "Academic Judiciary," for they must have committed some cheating offense in order to get through the gamut of horror awaiting any student. Those arrested have the right to remain silent, yet doing so allows the "Tribunal" to infer your guilt. The defendants are then routinely tortured, beaten, and placed in uncomfortable "stress" positions for days, until they are ready to sign confessions. A show trial then ensues, in which the torture evidence is displayed and the defendant is then officially pronounced guilty and sentenced. Sentences range from a minimum life sentence of Campus Dining staff to immediate and brutal execution.
(i.e. going for a "B.A." (Bad Ass) in fields such as Phonics, English as a Second Language, Broken German, History v2.0 (The story of the victor,) History v3.0 (Liberal Revisionist Hogwash,) Business (Minors in Advanced Table Waiting Skills, Inflating Profits, and "Being a CEO while doing nothing" are mandatory,) as well as numerous other useful pursuits, such as basket weaving, housekeeping, and having a reason to be an annoying hippy on campus.)
The classes for these students involve in the simplest and most idiotic of tasks, requiring at most an ability to count on your fingers from 1 to 10, as well as advanced studies in boot licking, brown nosing, and otherwise shredding your dignity in order to please your Professor. Many regularly watered plants have achieved B.A. degrees.
Despite the simplicity of the classes and the ease at which a degree can be gained, most of these "students" can often be spotted complaining to their fellow B.A. "hopefuls" about the difficulty of certain classes, which at times require them to read a book (Heaven-forbid!) or occasionally show up for lecture. In a related fact, a majority of B.A. students never complete their education, as they are quickly seized by B.S. student gangs, who capture and torture B.A. students who complain about their so-called "tough life."
Dorming is seen as non-preferable to many lifeforms at the university. Because of this much of the student population is migratory, commuting from actual homes with working hot water to class in "vehicles" that often make loud sputtering banging sounds upon startup. Those unlucky few who are forced, or stay of their own idiotic volition on campus are treated to lovely walks over miles of cracked concrete that was laid down in 10 foot square patches of varying thickness by constuction crews that historians agree were at war. The dorms themselves may have suspect couches containing many, "college flakes" and "college dust" or sometimes the dreaded "college chunks." It is also not uncommon to find carpets stained with mysterious "college juice" and lights on motion sensors that regularly turn off while students remain in the room. This particular feature has lead to a curious condition in the student body where the arms violently flail every 2 minutes and 30 seconds, experts reason that this has developed as an adaptation to efficiently reset the light's internal timer and spend less time in darkness. Every dorming student at the university is assured in the notion that their quad is the worst, and that all the other quads are better; some might say the grass is always greener, but all grass at Stony Brook is brown and dead, or being smoked in copious amounts in the more secluded quads. The exceptions are the Bourgeoisie of west apartments who stare down at the peasants from atop their lego like buildings in disdain of those without U3 standing and a 3.0 gpa.
Of the more fascinating phenomena regarding Stony Brook University, including the "bridge to nowhere conspiracy" and the Sunken Stadium Scandal, is the unusually recurrent theme of building connectivity. Of the numerous structures on campus, anywhere between 30-60% of them are connected by at least one bridge. Such a discrepancy in the percentage values is a result of the ambiguity in defining linked buildings as one, two, or in some cases, even three separate structures. This uniformity in architectural design can be attributed to the Cram Philosophy of Architecture in which an architect comes to the following conclusion about the structures he or she is about to submit for approval:
- (Hour 0) Architect is commissioned to create a design for new building up for review in in 30 days
- (Hour 0-15 min)Architect attempts to create an original design concept, but realizes that his commission originates from a group of university officials who have neither the money nor the artistic expertise to fulfill his or her ultimate dream of a functional, yet admirably beautiful utopian structure.
- (15 min-Day 29) Architect throws in the towel, feeling dejected and disenfranchised with his or her career path and spends savings on hallucinogens and marijuana to compensate for loss of meaning in his or her life.
- (Day 29, Hour 18) Architect realizes that he or she won't have enough money for cupcakes and ring dings at this rate, fears reprisal by angry university board, makes attempt to create, but fails, passing out on couch.
- (Day 29, Hour 22) Architect wakes up
- (Day 29, Hour 22) Architect falls back asleep, dreams of boxes eating other boxes
- (Day 29, Hour 23, 55 minutes) Architect pulls out paper, draws two boxes and an equals sign. Sells design under guise of bridging the past with the future, or some mumbo-jumbo about extending reach, or similar banter.
- (Time end) Submission made. Wishing to save money, building design is given go-ahead, creating another addition to the University in the form of a box conjugating with another box.