Stittsville, Ontario
“Tonight, we dine in Stittsville!”
“Hell is paved with infants' skulls.”
“Here's Stittsville. Take a good look so when you die and go to hell it won't come as a surprise.”
“Stittsville, where in hell is that?”
Stittsville is a suburb of Ottawa, Canada. It is frequently referred to as the seventh layer of hell. The region contains mostly shrubbery, little houses, demons, and cave trolls. It has been referred to as "a God-forsaken wasteland" due primarily to the roiling shroud of eternal night permeating the sky in a 5 kilometer radius around the towns water tower. Due to its unfortunate location in Canada, it quite embarrassingly freezes over every year from September to early June.
History[edit | edit source]
The original town site, now known as "Old Stittsville" was located at the present intersection of Carp Road and Hazeldean Road. It was a small hellhole, consisting of a few houses, a small inn, and a post office, which was owned by Jackson "Tits" Skeeze. The town was named when a surveyor asked a local who owned the land and received the reply "'s Tit's"
The Great Carleton Fire of 1870 devastated the community, destroying nearly everything. This was an extremely large fire, encompassing over 250,000 acres from Ottawa to Smiths Falls to Carleton Place. It burned for almost a full week. Rumours by the locals claim that it started when the gypsy caravan traveling through the area accidentally created a brew for summoning demons instead of the soup they had planned for lunch.
Local Landmarks[edit | edit source]
Papa Sam's[edit | edit source]
Papa Sam's is the local whorehouse/saloon. Several people are murdered there every week, and is known for giving discounts to teenage girls that show cleavage.
Poole creek[edit | edit source]
The local river of blood, also known as Phlegethon. Called home by many tortured souls and a rather bad tempered herd of centaurs. The old Ford pickup truck that Dante and Virgil used to cross on their way through Hell is still stuck in the creek.
Post office[edit | edit source]
The local post office is pretty much like any other post office in the region, and features an incinerator for uplifting letters and Christmas cards, and a store for buying overpriced stamps. The postmen are well trained and only deliver bills, junk mail, and letter bombs.
Scarred Heart[edit | edit source]
Scarred Heart is the local detention center. Run by the Catholics, it is a dismal place which should be avoided at all costs. Due to ridiculous amount of funding, it is able to add new torture chambers bi-yearly. The staff specialize in techniques such as kitten huffing, electroshock therapy, and gym class. This is where the demons from the Lanark county attempt to lure in innocent teens. This section has been examined by the Scarred Heart Gestapo and to contain content deemed to be insulting and derogatory, which has been burned. HEIL PRINCIPAL OWENS!
Stittsville Arena[edit | edit source]
The local arena plays host to a variety of gladiatorial fights, executions, and public whippings. It used to host public torture sessions before the incident.
The Circus[edit | edit source]
Stittsville is home to an interesting variation on the three ring circus. Acts here include people running around naked while being attacked by dogs, people being shot by angry centaurs, and people being covered in glowing embers and hot sand. The circus food is particularly horrible, beyond even the deep fried lard, or National Geographic issues on a stick you might get at a regular circus. The fumes emanating from the food stalls are usually at levels above the maximum concentrations for nerve gas and chemical weapons as set in place by the Geneva convention. The entrance to the circus is guarded by a minotaur most of the time, but instead of turning people away, any trespassers become part of the circus acts.
Acts[edit | edit source]
- Ring One This ring is mainly home to archery shows. Here, centaurs shoot unfortunate trespassers full of arrows and run around shouting a lot. On off hours, it is the ring to go to for interesting games, with such offers as "Shoot three tormented souls, get a stuffed animal!". Chiron is the ringmaster in this particular ring, and can be identified by his large beard and a keyring with keys for all the Fords in the parking lot.
- Ring Two Long speeches about thorny issues are the main attraction at this ring, though wooden acting by the performers, and beating around the bush before getting to the point of the acts mean this bit of the circus has really gone to the dogs. The more interesting events in here center on nude spirits being chased and eaten by hellhounds. Apparently it's art or something, which is why nobody's done anything about it. The ringmaster here is a talking tree called Piero, recognizable by his branches, leaves, and hemophilia.
- Ring Three This ring is largely home to firebreathing acts, in which confused trespassers are forced to breathe embers and hang out in a pit of hot sand. (Hotter than that time you went to the beach when it was 400 degrees out and forgot your shoes.) This act is also probably considered art, though it's more entertaining than ring two. The ringmaster here is the master of fire himself, Ray Mears
The circus is largely sponsored by the Scarred Heart institution. The poet Dante featured this circus prominently in his famous work Inferno, the world's most in-depth book on interesting pastimes.
Demographics[edit | edit source]
A census was taken in late 1873, and the population was divided between the following groups.
- 8% Catholics
- 13% Homicidal maniacs
- 9% Kleptomaniacs
- 25% Creatures of unspeakable evil
- 2% Creatures of speakable evil
- 18% Tortured souls
- 15% Sleazebags, stoners, and drunks
- 2% Poets
- 3% Post-Suicidal maniacs
Local Wildlife[edit | edit source]
Stittsville is home to many species of animals, including squirrels, groundhogs, deer, crows, porcupines, and werehouses. However, its unique position as the seventh layer of hell means that it is also home to some more exotic species such as the ones below.
Centaurs[edit | edit source]
Stittsville is home to a herd of centaurs, mostly employed by the circus. They may be found shooting drowning people in Poole creek, or shooting people not drowning in Poole creek
Harpies[edit | edit source]
These winged creatures may be found in the forests around Stittsville. They enjoy tormenting the souls of sinners and ripping branches off trees. Due to this unfortunate habit, the harpies have been taken to court by several conservation groups interested in saving the local ecology. All of these cases have been dismissed, as the local ecology consists mainly of swamps filled with mosquitoes, forests filled with mosquitoes, and Poole creek.
Minotaurs[edit | edit source]
Since Stittsville lacks a decent labyrinth, it has a problem with packs of feral minotaurs roaming the streets and back alleys looking for alcohol and edible Grecian heroes. At one point, a committee was formed to plan the construction of a labyrinth to contain the problem, but most of the committee members were eaten while scouting out possible locations for construction, and the project was abandoned. Minotaurs should be avoided at all costs, especially if you do not have the proper deterrents.
Hellhounds[edit | edit source]
Mainly found in the circus, although a few have escaped and taken up residence in backyards around Stittsville, where they spend all night barking loudly and trying to eat the mailmen. The main characteristics of these canines are razor sharp teeth, glowing red eyes, dark fur, and a tendency to attack anything that moves. Not to be confused with Oprah Winfrey. (If you are ever in a position where you need to decide, Oprah only has two legs, not four.)
Small furry things with sharp teeth[edit | edit source]
It is unknown exactly what these are, but reports by the few survivors indicate they travel in packs and enjoy ambushing anything they can bite to death. They may be some type of evil chihuahua.
Meowing Dogs[edit | edit source]
Stittsville is one of the few locations on our planet to naturally be inhabited by Meowing Dogs, and they are regarded as one of the only non-demonic creatures in Stittsville.