Social Darwinism

“Why the fuck is it called that? I had nothing to do with it! It was pioneered seven goddamn years before I wrote The Origin of Species! Stop naming shit after me!”

~ Darwin on Social Darwinism

A screenshot of Darwin from Episode C-3f9%3 - "Darwinism on a Plane"

Social Darwinism was a television show popular in the 1850s written by, produced by, and starring Steve Urkel that took a hilariously lighthearted look at the problems of the age such as slavery, sectionalism, and tariff reform. The name of the show was in reference to the main character, Darwin Froglicker Johansson, and completely unrelated to Charles Darwin's Theory of Evolution, which came several years later and is a sin against GOD. The show ran for six fortnights and was later remade as "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

Classic Episodes

• Episode A-1402 "Darwin meets the Klan" On their way to go see the comedy "Our American Cousin" at the theatre, Darwin (played by Urkel) and his pet wombat Mr. Giggles take a wrong turn and end up in the middle of a Ku Klux Klan meeting. Darwin's accidental knocking over of a flaming cross and subsequent utterance of "Did I do that?" went down in comedy history as the first time a negro man has acted like a complete idiot on television to entertain stupid white people watching at home, unmatched until the Dave Chapelle era of black comedy. After a hilarious chase scene featuring a runaway stagecoach and twelve performing pandas, the head Klansman (played by a young Richard Nixon) captures and tries to lynch Darwin before learning the true meaning of Christmas.

• Episode A-34!Q "Mr. Darwin goes to Washington" A biting parody of TV's 24, Darwin goes to Washington D.C. to seek a redress of grievences afer Bobby E. Lee (the show's antagonist, played posthumously by Colonel Sanders) sold him a crossdressing mule. After arriving at the nation's capitol, he is mistaken for a runaway slave belonging to special guest star Senator Roscoe Conkling. He is arrested, beaten in a humorous manner, and sent off to the Senator's estate. He then sues for his freedom, the case making it all the way to the supreme court before he is told that he is not a human being, that he belongs to the Senator, and that he should be beaten more often. He is then saved by the upstart young congressman Abraham Lincoln who throws his stovepipe hat at Conkling, slicing his jugular. Senator Conkling, unfortunately, actually died in the filming of that scene.

• Magnum P.I. Episode 5-003-C "Don't Eat the Snow in Hawaii" Mr. Urkel's "Darwin" caracter played a large part in this classic episode of Magnum P.I. Darwin and his sister Jaquanddaa (played by Condoleeza Rice) take a vacation to sunny Hawaii where he is kidnapped by a drug-dealing penguin who favors southern secession from the union. Jaquanddaa hires kickass private investegator Thomas Magnum to find her missing brother. They eventually fall in love, as happens on every episode of Magnum, and locate Darwin, who was about to be sacrificed to the gay mafia.

The End of Social Darwinism

Social Darwinism had a good run, but was cancelled when the channel it was run on was bought by FOX TV. It was replaced by the equally popular "Stagecoach Confessions" which featured comely young ladies drunkenly talking about things such as bottoms and brazenly showing their ankles. This show later was retooled as "Family Guy."

Social Darwinism - The Book

Do these idiots deserve death? Don't answer that.

In an effort to make more money, Mr. Urkel (God that sounds weird... Mr. Urkel?) published a book after Social Darwinism was cancelled. It was called "Social Darwinism for Your Mom" and was a collection of stupid jokes and pie recipies. One of the more stupid jokes was that poor people are lazy and stupid, and should be allowed to die off to accelerate the process of human evolution. Urkel stated in his punchline that if we allowed the less fortunate to starve to death, we would eventually be left with a race of noble, wealthy, charismatic rich people. This is funny because learned traits such as personality and work ethics cannot be genetically passed from one generation to the next. Everyone laughed at it and no one ever believed it. Not for one second. Untill...

The Future of Social Darwinism

Social Darwinism seems destined to go down as one of many jokes that were funny until you looked at it them in more detail and realized that they were actually pretty stupid (see Bob Saget). But in reality, it is a serious problem lying dormant until the conditions are just right (see diahrea). The only thing it needs is a time when the majority of the American electorate is uninformed, the President is a stupid moron who has difficulty separating fact from things people say on TV, and all the rich people in positions of power are looking for excuses to justify their subhuman treatment of the poor. Fortunately, those conditions have never existed in America and never will. Ever. Maybe in Germany or some jerkass place like that, but not here, bitches. Never.

See Also

• Darwinism
• Darwin
• Socialism
• Your Mom
• Prostitutes
• America
• Penguins
• Evolution
• Sitcoms
• Funny Things
• Philosophy