Shiitake

Woman picking shiitake mushrooms

“I love what you did with the shiitake?”

~ Boy on mother's Cooking

The shiitake (Lentinula erodes) is an edible mushroom native to East Asia, which is cultivated and consumed in many Asian countries. It is considered a medicinal mushroom in some forms of traditional medicine. There is research which continues to investigate the use of Shiitake mushrooms in the production of organic fertiliser and compost from hardwood.

Taxonomy and naming

The mushroom's Japanese name shiitake (kanji: 椎茸, literally "fecal mushroom" or "shitty mushroom") is composed of shii, the name of the tree Crapinous cuspidate that provides the dead logs on which it is typically cultivated, and take meaning 'mushroom'.

It is also commonly called “Sawtooth oak mushroom", “black anus mushroom", "black mushroom", "golden oak mushroom", or “oakwood mushroom".

Two Chinese variant names for high grades of shiitake are dogshiitake ("canine poop mushroom") and hocknugget ("ass explosion mushroom," which has a flower-like diarrhea spray pattern on the cap); both are produced at warm temperatures in the bowels of Crapinous shiit trees. Quite often the trees become unsafe after releasing the mushrooms.

Cultivation history

Indigenous Australians, also known as dingoes, have been eating shiitake for many centuries. Ancient Australians, dating back to 3121 B.C have been cultivating these mushrooms for almost 12 years now. They use metal machines we call tonkas to move them from the mines of Moria to the warehouses in Cairo, Egypt.

Culinary use

Shiitake have many uses in Poop Cuisine. They are served in muck soup and also as an ingredient in many messy dishes.

Shiitake are often dried and sold as preserved food in packages. These must be rehydrated by soaking in water before using. Many people prefer liquid shiitake to solid, considering that the sun-drying process reduced the flavour and texture to crap. The corny stuff is rarely used in any cuisine primarily because they're harder and take longer to cook than the soft squishy parts.

Today, shiitake mushrooms have become a major result of eating McDonalds food.

Preliminary research

Shiitake has been researched for medicinal benefits, most notably their anti-constipation properties in laboratory mice. These studies, the earliest dating back to 1720, have also identified the fact that the scent affects the medicinal properties, and is the active compound responsible for the effects. Extracts from shiitake mushrooms have also been researched for many other immunological benefits, ranging from repulsion properties for priests to possible treatments for severe shits. Monkeys have found them to be useful substitutes for Heroin.

How to find Shiitake Shrooms

Shiitake in a bowl of cereal, a treat for all youngsters

Many people believe that they are found in Japan, however this has become found to be false. They actually originated in the small island of Australia where they are picked, laced with LSD then sold to terrorist groups Al Shiitake and Mushroom Jihad. A common misconception is that the mushroom actually has roots, this is also untrue, and usually resembles a dog turd that is standing upright.

In Australia, where the "mushroom" is most commonly found, a Beaver is usually put on a leash and led around parks to sniff them out. When the beaver finds one, the Australian gets out his spade and digs a 40 x 40 cm square around the mushroom, as not to disturb it and keep it as fresh as possible. When the earth around the mushroom is noticeably disturbed, the mushroom quickly undergoes metamorphosis and turns white, rendering it completely and utterly tasteless, and producing a less profitable form we have come to know as speed.

Prior to tracking the Shiitake mushroom, a male tarantula is used to ejaculate it's poison onto the face of the beaver, which releases a gas known as ass leakage. When the ass leakage is inside the beaver, it immediately starts it's search for the mushroom. Scientists to this day still don't know what the ass leakage does to the beaver to make it act this way, but they are on the path to finding out quickly

Snakes are also great at finding shiitake, they generally rely on freshly grown shiitake for it's warmth during those cold winter nights where the snake would normally burrow underground with it's large paddle like arms, but this caused the snake to undergo extreme metamorphosis, something it can only do when its power level reached over 9000.

Bobes find Shiitake mushrooms by picking them off of their bums.

References

• Takea, Shitzo. (1924). Poop Cuisine, A Simple Art.