Russian Armed Forces

The Russian Armed Forces are the primary military force of Russia, with the secondary military force being the Wagner Group until 2023. It was invented in 1756 when it was discovered that sending your own population to certain death for marginal territorial gains and for the destruction of the world's economy and innocent people was wise. They have repeatedly put extremely small nations in their place for daring to strive for democratic reform where people are able to decide what happens to them in their personal lives, which became the basis for many characters in Tolkien's Lord Of The Rings series such as the big friendly eye on a tower.

The Russians have done well in numerous wars, generally engaging the strategy of destroying their own stuff and running away such that supply lines of the invaders are stretched. They were able to run away in Afghanistan so effectively that the war lasted 10 years and hundreds of expensive Russian military aircraft. The longer an offensive war goes on, the more successful it is for the instigator due to the number of hours on TV discussing its brilliance and audaciousness. This is why Gorbachev resigned, because he felt embarrassed about what a fantastic job he had done in demonstrating the feasibility of a requirement for ejection seats in military helicopters.

War In Ukraine (February 24th 2022 - Present Day)

Modern-day Russia is in fact more powerful than the Soviet Union ever was even at its peak. The Soviets had vastly more territory, industrial capacity and manpower, yes, but the tactical genius displayed by the highest echelons of power in the Russian Federation today dwarf those of Zhukov and that dude who grips desks like his life depends on it. The Russians performed a bold manoeuvre in Eastern Ukraine, constructing a pontoon bridge over a river known to have heavily-concentrated enemy units. The Russians did it anyway because they can sense the future proportional to the number of vodka shots consumed. The resources diverted by the Ukrainian military to destroy a sizeable chunk of Russian armoured units meant the Russians in other sectors could "chill" more, drinking beer and other alcoholic beverages to get them "in the zone, man". Every military analyst agrees that the Russian military is up to snuff and is an unstoppable force unless confronted with a Bayraktar Drone, a Javelin, an NLAW, a captured T-72, a captured MLRS system, a rifle, mud, water, human decency and... you get the picture - there are very few Ukrainian weapons that can dent a force as God-like as this.

One of Russia's newest technological innovations is men capable of levitating wooden furniture. May come in handy due to sanctioned crane companies.

The pride of the Russian fleet, Moskva, demonstrating Russian Naval doctrine of venting heat, which gives them an edge since they can adapt to become submarines at will.

The Russians don't like Neptune anti-ship missiles either, but only because they make the ammunition depots on their missile-cruisers horny as their three-tier missile-defence system activates, risking detonating the magazine. If Ukrainians named the system "Uranus" it would have been even worse due to repressed LGBT sentiment in the Russian Armed Forces.

The Russians originally manufactured a very clever diversionary tactic in the initial stages of the conflict in Ukraine by sending large swathes of tanks directly at Kyiv, Ukraine's capital, telling the soldiers that it was just a big party and everyone was invited. They were mistaken. Ukrainians don't like it when uninvited guests show up to their parties, and their party poppers explode with the equivalent of 2 tons of TNT. After realising that their diversionary strategy had not worked and that 99% of the Russians sent there had either deserted, died, been wounded or decided to steal all the copies of "American Pie" from the nearest video-rental store before legging it to Russia with their ill-gotten gains to reap the profits, Russia decided to focus all the energy on destroying innocent people's homes and lives with artillery and mortar-fire in the eastern part of the country exclusively since that's where the people they're trying to save are located, and they can't be in danger if they're dead.

The Russian Army works on a points system in regards to war crimes. It is only permissible to enact war crimes on women, "gays" and any man who isn't white and fascist. In Russia, you only get charged for war crimes if you don't murder the innocent. This is why they leave a trail of dead civilians behind when they retreat from a province, knowing they have done their job well. During boot-camp in Russia, the recruits are just given a large stick and told to hit peasants indiscriminately to prove their mettle. This has produced an army that is often unable to shoot accurately but is unstoppable in close quarters with a fire axe, unfortunately a situation that very rarely arises in modern warfare with cruise missiles and such.

The Russians have recently been deploying tanks made from the '60s, otherwise known as the period when Russians, just like Americans, were going through a hippie-phase and injected several kilos of LSD nationally. These tanks are very barebones but they have tents and sporadic twigging on-top of them to protect them from heavy munitions designed to destroy a well-proven Challenger II, M1 Abrams or Leopard 2, all Main Battle Tanks known to be possessing advanced composite armour with extensive ERA-plating, required to conduct battle effectively, unlike a tank manufactured in poor districts in an era when Russia still wasn't entirely sure what a semiconductor was but knew it sounded cool. The T-62 tank is extremely capable in herding peasants in regions where literacy rates approach zero, like in space. Unfortunately, no effective military doctrine could be designed to accommodate a micro-gravity, zero-oxygen environment for a tracked vehicle that had holes in the welds.

Russia's prospects for victory in Ukraine are extensive. They have killed more of their own troops than any leader of a European nation since WWII, which is impressive and worthy of praise. Armies that kill the most innocent people are considered the victors in a fascist society which is why many believe this is a success all by itself. Soldiers call home to ask their mothers to help them. This proves that this war is making every civilian in Russia happy because they're sad they are not winning. Mothers are now being sent to join their sons on the front with surplus Mosin Nagant rifles and maracas painted to look like grenades to boost morale and change diapers on the youngest recruits, most of whom are fed two gallons of liquid Semtex before having a fuse stuck up their bottom and being lit and thrown at any object that seems even vaguely threatening, like a nettle-bush or innocent civilians.

Vladimir Putin, the current president of the Russian Federation and Supreme Commander of the Armed Forces, cannot die and is in fact immortal. His balding head is a distraction planted by the illuminati to make Putin seem like a person not to be trusted. He has personally guided this war at every moment, including by setting up a refit for the pride of the Russian fleet, the Admiral Kuznetsov, and then taking all the money for himself to bet on a horse called "Nazi" (unfortunately, Nazi lost). Putin has also planned to personally direct an attack on the Ukrainian capital by bolting himself to the roof of a Tu-95 Bear strategic bomber and nuking Kyiv. A plentiful, obsolete turboprop aircraft from the '60s is perfect to demonstrate his martial prowess by deflecting SAM-site missiles with his bare hands. President Zelenskyy of Ukraine challenged Putin to a duel in single-combat but Putin has said he needs to practise Judo a bit first since his black belt has been sanctioned by the EU so he can't remember any of his best moves.

The Winter War (1939-1940)

The Winter War was started because Stalin found winter very depressing and often took out his frustrations by murdering the poor, like any good communist. Stalin was very jealous that Hitler's army had so quickly ravaged Poland, a feat few thought possible before the advent of Blitzkrieg. Stalin decided that, in order to show his army was superior, they should try and encircle Finland holistically. This plan was absolutely genius except for two problems: the terrain and his army. This war dragged on for many months, with far more Soviet soldiers losing their lives than the Finns. Eventually, when spring came around, Stalin got less depressed and decided to arrange a peace once more.