Ronnie Wood
Ronnie Wood (born 1 June 1947) is currently a professional alcoholic, and a part time guitarist in a little known band called 'The Rolling Stones' (they have a considerable fanbase in Jamaica, but haven't really managed to corner the rest of the world music market. Perhaps because they play a kind of music called "the blooze".) In his private life, he is known for his happy and long term relationship with a Russian teenager, despite Ronnie cheating on her by marrying another woman some decades before. He also dabbles in art, but like many musicians' 'art' it is probably best left consigned to art galleries, where nobody really takes art seriously (instead they prefer to chew the ends of their glasses and make small coughing noises.) He describes himself as having two jobs - a 'day job' and a 'night job'.
Ronnie Wood's Day Job[edit | edit source]
Ronnie Wood's day job is the job he does during the day. Predominantly, this involves getting drunk off his face and 'painting' pictures of his nubile Russian girlfriend, and then passing out in preperation for his night job. He says he likes to vary the drinks he consumes at the beginning of the day to 'bring me diffffrent expernsses maaaan'. His favourite tipple is currently Jack Daniels Old Tennesse whisky, but he claims it has led to him drawing in charcoal, and that he gets 'sticky fingers' as a result. When he wants to draw a masterpiece, he drinks a mixture of coca cola and diet coca cola, because the resulting sobriety is such a novel and scary experience for him, it gives him lots of subject material.
Ronnie Wood's Night Job[edit | edit source]
Ronnie Wood's night job is the job he does during the night. Predominantly, this involves getting drunk off his face and 'making love' to his nubile Russian girlfriend, and then passing out in preperation for his day job. However, somewhat embarrassingly for Mr. Wood, he cannot live up to his name when drunk, and so the 'making love' part of his night job is usually just forgotten, and he goes straight onto the passing out stage. He somewhat redeems himself by being especially talented at the passing out stage.
The Rolling Stones[edit | edit source]
The Rolling Stones are Ronnie's band. They consist of Mick Jagger (known as 'Mr. Lips and Hips'), Keith Richards (the world's only known immortal man), Charlie Watts (vampire) and That Other Guy Who Nobody Really Cares About (bass guitar). Ronnie plays guitar when he feels like it, otherwise he checks out female mammary glands from on-stage, something he has become expert at.
As previously mentioned, The Rolling Stones are hugely successful in Jamaica, and throughout their 145 year tenure they have been awarded the 'reggae reggae sauce best band in the world, man' award 5 times, and the 'Dr. Winston Kingston award for outstanding musical contribution to the art of growing herb' twice, a record only bested by Celine Dion, Elton John, George Michael, Boy George, Marilyn Manson, Trent Reznor, Muse, The Spice Girls, The Red Hot Chilli Pipers, Rage Against the Machine, Soundgarden, the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Take That, Westlife, U2, NSync, Justin Timberlake and many others. Upon receiving the award, Ronnie graciously passed out from alcohol and allowed his employee, Keith 'Keef' Richards, to make the speech:
| “ | Lads and gents, we are nnngh hggnasn ghjnngn honoured, ngnnnnng nghghgh hghghh long time, ngnghghgh and family, gngnght hfhfhfh ngnghg ha ha ha! ngngnghghgn Thanks! | ” |
Ronnie attributes their critical appeal to "always believing we were the best in Jamaica, and not letting anyone tell us otherwise".
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
Ronnie enjoys horse racing, apparently. He has been seen around race courses, but never when a race is underway. He apparently much prefers racing his own horse 'Joleah' against an empty track, a policy that has ensured he is the only horse breeder in the world to maintain a 100% winning record.
Ronnie is also understood to be a huge fan of living in Ireland, and the accompanying lifestyle. He has blended in with the locals perfectly, by joining with their hunts on a sunday. He is fairly good at shooting foxes, but leprechauns remain his speciality.
Solo Discography[edit | edit source]
"I've got my own girlfriend to do"
"Don't Look"
"Mahoney's Lost Hat Stand"
"Gimme Some Head"
"5678"
"I Live at the Ritz, and am Great Friends With Mr Al Fayed"
"Slide on This"
"Slide on This Live: Plugged in and Fully Erected (for once)"
"Live and Paralytic"
"For Beginner's"
"Ronnie Wood Anothology: The Essential Crossdressing"
"Buried Alive: Please, Someone Get a Shovel"
"The First Barbarians: Seriously, I Built a Time Machine And Brought Them Back and Taught Them to Play Instruments, You're Gonna Love This, Live From Kilburn"