Roland TR-808
The Roland TR-808 was developed during World War II in order to save the world from angry, stuck-up white people named Nazis. It has become the most prominent weapon in the field of Sonic Warfare.
History[edit | edit source]
The TR-808 began as a Pentagon experiment in artificial intelligence. A direct descendant of the chess supercomputer TI-86, the TR-808 gained independent consciousness during a game against chess guru Rza. The project transitioned from a cognitive experiment to a powerful weapon as the computer recognized the inherent power of the black chess pieces over the white pieces. Still unbeknownst to the greatest chess players of history, the TR-808 recognized that the black queen was capable of special moves such as zig-zag finger-snapping attacks, and the black king was actually immune to checkmate thanks to his concealed pistol-grip pump shotgun. Furthermore, all the black pieces on the board actually possess incredible jumping skills, leaving the white player completely defenseless.
At this point, the self-aware machine was no longer an experiment in development, but a beast to be tamed. Despite the Pentagon's attempts to keep the project behind closed doors, the press leaked a video of the TR-BOB spouting misogynistic remarks and exposing his circuitry at a White House party. In a subsequent comment, TR-808 blamed the scene on his newly acquired affinity for malt liquor, and stated that he had entered a treatment program. Shortly thereafter, the music recording industry obtained the technology and used it to end the Holocaust.
Use as a Sonic Weapon[edit | edit source]
Immediately upon implementing the TR-808, the enemy's political parties will all be replaced with nothing but a Gangsta Party. High officials in the Gangsta Party will stock all the fridges full of forties and delegate blunt-rolling. Street-level activists will replace their car wheels with twenty-inch rims, which results in the arrival of women with large round breasts and buttocks, or, bitches. This all seems useless until TR-808 reaches critical mass: inevitably, somebody gets angry and fires a weapon. The enemy then proceeds to kill themselves until their complete defeat.
Life After War[edit | edit source]
After retiring from sonic warfare, Roland TR-808 units go to retirement homes such as those offered by Radiofish, where they enjoy immense popularity.
Features[edit | edit source]
- Infuriates enemies with its high-amplitude, low-frequency sonic beams
- Scares the shit out of old white people
- Makes the girlies get dumb
- Sweet cowbell and hand-clap sounds
- BOOOOOOOOOM
- Sexual Healing