Return to Castle Wolfenstein


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“Is that Wolfenstein!? Turn that off! TURN IT OFF!!”

~ The Wheat-Dog - Anyone with the balls to play Wolfenstein in his class

Return to the Castle of "Ya vulf! YaYaYaYa! Heeel!" Dogenstienhelm is a first person racist computer game. Created in 1797 by iED and Actiblindness, it has been a breakthrough in games as we know it. Actually, it's pronounced "Wolfensteeeeeeen - Putting On The Reeeeeeeeeeeeeetz" alternatively it can also be pronounced as "Ya voolf!" (with a heavy australian accent, naturally).

Plot[edit | edit source]

The time period of the game is centered around Stardate 1.9,943 when the Axis of the Earth was researching sub-natural ways to win Galactic War XXL. When Hellga von Trap heads a search party for WWE super-star Heinriech, which she will use to take over the world and destroy the Allied armies. Exactly 1000 years ago, Heinriech was sent to prison by the ledgandary bounty hunter Booboo Fett.

Now it is the job of the British-American led army of two, made up of Agent 1.001 and Sergeant "B.J."-ed Moscowvitz. Upon landing, they run into trouble when Agent Won Point Zero Zero Won gets killed by a renegade scientist who looks (and might be) Einstein. It is Moscovitzs' duty to kill the doctor and investigate the strange plot. At the end of the game, you learn that Castle Dogenstienhelm is actually the where the Democrats secret base is. The game ends with the ugliest boss in the game: Hillary Clinton.A secret level can be found by killing the final boss in less than 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 nanoseconds then you go a room where you will fight the boss named Zach Von DWERDESTINEKRACHENSWARTERBRAUCHEN!!!!!!!! thus giving me enough time to send your computer a virus.

PlayStation 2 edition[edit | edit source]

A lesser relousion version of the originaly computer game with a exclusive naughty prologue.

Xbox edition[edit | edit source]

A higher relousion version of the originaly computer game with the stolen PS2 levels modified with higher relousion. Wolfenstein 3D follow also with sharpere HD ready quality. If you have modified your Xbox to internet, you can play with other peoples or robbers (or animals) far away (you can also download two exclusive multiplayer map).

Weapons[edit | edit source]

The first weapon you get is a simple vibro-blade, given to you by Secret Agent Han Solo. Over the course of the game, you pick up weapons like the FAG-42 Paratrooper Rifle, the Venom Gum, the Snoopy sniper rifle, the Lamethrower, the Sten SMG, the Mauser rifle, the Tesla Gun, E-11 Master Blaster Rifle, Taser, Colon Arms Rocket Launcher, Panzie Faust (only shoots panzies), Death Star, Spyer Flash Paintball gun, and a Super Soaker 10 Gal. Water Gun, and the extremely hard to find Dildo of Doom,and you get an additional weapon if you know how to use your Penis.

Wolfenstien 3-D[edit | edit source]

Return to Castle Wolfenstien 3-D was a cheesy 3-D movie made in the early 1990th century. Its total of $1495 world-wide beat that of its rival movie "DOOM" and its Edited Version "DOOM-ED". Later upgrades in technology allowed for vacuum tubes to make the computer game (of the same name) run faster.

Why is RtCW Better than RtCW 3-D?[edit | edit source]

Well RtCW 3-d has no free-look, less blood and gore, graphics that suck sewage, bad sound ephects, fewer levels, no Nazi SS chicks with Sten SMG's, and no Agent Won Point Zero Zero Won.

What does 3-D have that regular RtCW doesn't?[edit | edit source]

Well, in RtCW 3-D you get the once in a life time opportunity to meet Hitler himself and his boyfriend. Everyone knows Hitler was gay and civil-unioned to Obi-four-gaynobi.