Rangiora

Rangiora is a semi-feudal province of Christchurch on the outskirts of the Southern Wastelands. It has recently taken the name "Town of the Future" from Rolleston, after the annual North-Canterbury Mutated Retard Olympics, even though Rolleston today resembles a Town of the Future, an irradiated wasteland full of genetic mishaps.

Often referred to by "dem city folk" as Rangoon or Goon, the town of Rangiora is well known for its road going in, and is also famous for the road out (winning Road of the Year in the 2006 Canterbury Road of the Year awards). Many bogans travel these roads everyday, hoping that one day, their Mazda may be the key to leading them to a better life, possibly in Kaiapoi, or maybe even Ohoka.

The character of Cletus in The Simpsons is widely believed to have been based on Rangiora's mayor in 1976, affectionately known as "Cletus The Tard", who was famous for having children to his mother, sister and pet goat. Cletus now lives a quiet life running a small goat farm, where its believed he created the first Goat-Human cross.

History

Maori warrior in the trenches of Rangiora. These fierce fellows still exact a yearly toll from tourists and cute anglo chicks.

Rangiora was founded in 1991 by the survivors of a horrific car accident involving a Nissan Skyline and a Honda City a.k.a "Mega-Ultimate Turbo". After seeing their appearance, the survivors were immediately sent to the only building in Rangiora at that time, a Burns Victims unit, until it was released they had actually escaped the crash unscathed. A sheep was introduced to the deformed couple and a far reaching and diverse gene-pool was begun to the tune of "Free Bird" by Lynard Skynard on repeat and the rattling of empty Double Brown cans.

Today the community boasts a modest population of 3,500, all directly related in someway to the founding three, of which a memorial as been erected to. The Member of Parliament for Rangiora, Jon Maaa-Davies is currently campaigning in Wellington for cross-breeding rights, cannabis legalisation and the promotion of genetic engineering.

Geography

Flat.

Culture

The culture of Rangiora is broad and diverse, almost concentrated solely on the sheep which is a sacred animal associated with the rampant sex cults of the North Canterbury region. Visitors in July or later may be lucky enough to witness the Farmer's Ball, an age-old sporting event of which the first phase is called "herding", and the second phase is better left to the imagination. Rangiora is renowned for its fine local cuisine, best tasted at the Piss Hole, Rangiora's finest eating and drinking establishment. Visitors are highly recommended to try the Kill à la Road which is heated to ripen the flavour and smell on a piece of finely cut tarseal. It is often garnished with L'Magot, and served with locally produced moonshine (95% strength) or more typically, Rangiora Brown (a marginally-upscaled derivative of Double Brown), a brew that has won the annual Rangiora Piss Awards for as long as anyone can remember.

Rangiora's most famous vaudeville troupe, Will Play for Beer, are well renowned for their musical talent with banjos, accordions and the whistling that's associated with empty "XXX" bottles. Their 45-RPM vinyl singles "Hot Today, Hot Yesterday, Gunna be Even Hotter Tomorrow", "Sweet Home Rangiora", and "Hey I Can See 'Ma from Up Here!" have yet to make critical success outside of North Canterbury but it is hoped that the tourist industry can help them break into the main pop music scene.

Crime

Crime is virtually non-existent in Rangiora, due to the persuasiveness of its police force. Easily identified by their official uniform (underpants, twelve-gauge, hat and beer-can), these men keep the streets safe at night by making sure no harm comes to the community's little (furry) ones. However some doubt is raised over the effectiveness of their patrol routes, which normally involve a drunken swaying up and down Main Street between their Navaro's and the Piss Hole.

Education

Rangiora is the high-tech capital of the south with breakthroughs in the w'hell, a circular shape that aids movement in transport instead of the traditional rectangle tyres. "Fyre", the "dole" and the mysterious character referred to as "Alec Tricity" are also being researched at the moment with the primary aim stated as "2 find out wat thuse bluddy Townies are up ta' agin." as outsiders often remark to Rangiorans where the bloody hell is the "Alec Tricity".

The mystery of Alec Tricity

Jim-Bob-Murray Drogna-Grog-Piss'head, proprietor of the Piss Hole has offered his daughter's wool to anyone who correctly guesses who "Alec Tricity" is, but punters seem to be favouring a singing ghost or some "new-fangled" townie invention.