Randem Hughmer
Born in 1923, Randem Hughmer (actually, Randem McHughmer) is the oldest man in Ballarat (Death Valley). In 1989, he invented Random Humor by mistake. He was telling a story from his childhood. You will find the original transcript in this article (Author unknown).
“I did not MURDER him!!!”
The Original Transcript of Randem Hughmers Famous Story[edit | edit source]
- "Twas back then in the late 40's, folks. I was headin' down to them old whiskey bars me an' my fellas were goin' those days. And we got in one'o'dem and there was Frank behind the counterrrr (sic) an' I said "Frank!", I said "Frank! ... Woncha fix me one'o your fancy drinks, pal? Woncha?" and he started to get all chunky and oily around his neck. An' it wasn't like it stopped right there, folks, I'ma tell ya this now! And I juz couldn't resist and I ate him real good! So there was that old chap, my lady, she was going all wild at me, saying "Randem, my dear!" and I said "Oh, I'm not your deer!!" and then she went "I said DEAR, Jeezis, can't you read???" and I said "My lady, will you listen to me for that one fucking time, will ya?!". Folks, I had her right there, I did! ... Now listen, I said "Lady!" and she was all ears (sic, !) "Why don't you take that son I helped you give birth to ... and SHOVE it!!!" - Ha! Folks, imagine the rest, I say. Yeah, she was begging for mercy, but I was gonna swing my thumb already, weighting thirty kilos as I pumped the damn last drop of blood from my vanes into it! I was getting all dizzy there, man! And - BAMMM!!! - there she dropped dead. Ha! Do that with ya lady once, I tell ya, she'll be amazed!
Whadda you guys laughing at??
Well, anyways, I gotta tell this story to the end or I will regret it, folkses! And suddenly, on the way back home, my shoe started telling me them nasty, dirty jokes and I was going "Awwwe, fuck off, will ya??" and, Jesus, that shoe was a gun! He ain't thinking a second about stopping to tell me them jokes. And I shot him. Yeah, your looking at me as if you saw a ghost right now, but I did! I shot him right in da face, dude. How he screamed, I tell you this! That shoe screamed louder than your wife catching you walking into de kitchen with filthy clogs on, dude! And I said, shut up! And he wouldn't, so I was seeing a doctor and twas nonetheless then Rupert M. Eisenhower! Yes, THE Rupert! No, not the dolphin, they juz have them same names! But I was stunned and I couldn't say a thing, so I shook his hand and he sent me home with that bloody shoe of mine. Hah, they had a nice time, the sock and him! Becoz I was wearing two different socks this day, yes. Twas 16th of April, an' maybe you get the idea now! That is the birthday of Ronald Reagans first carcinoma. He was a good man, yes he was! A very, very good man, very honest! And he loved that carcinoma with a passion you ain't seen in yer whole damn life, I say! That would always give me tears in my eyes, seeing him jumping and playing with that filthy piece of flesh! Your mum will tell ya da whole story, she's been living my time too.
Yeah, anyways as we marched on, straight down the damn road, I heard a butterfly sing the most beautiful song I ever heard in my whole life! Twas about the enormous bosom that butterfly had to cope with, you know, all them butterfly-boys would always fondle her. And that also brought tears in my eyes, made me all leaking like a strainer. And I grabbed my gun, oh I did, and I shot the lady butterfly into her wonderful chest and it went - BAMMM!!! - there you go! Haha, and I am very sure tha' I was goin' dumb and all freaky, well, nuts that day! So I said "Hey, Bill!" I said, "Bill! ... you go steal someone elses idea and make money with it, a big deal I mean!". And Bill did, Bill fucking Gates I say. And I was startin' to mess with a banana down the street, in that little shop. I took my old Mr. Potato figure and I pulled out the limbs. I took that filthy banana and put the limbs right into it and I attached two eye balls to it and, well, there we go! Bill made a hell lot of money with that also! It's just the reason why so many people use his crappy OS nowadays - because I made it more bearable that way! Yeah, I INVENTED that crazy banana, you son of a bitch! I DID!! Not him. And--- (parts missing)
(To be concluded! - transcript is still in work up)