Prometheus (film)

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Prometheus

"Whoever wins, surely we "

Format: movie Created By: Ridley "I'm too old for this shit" Scott Starring: Noomi Rapeface Michael Bassfender Guy Pearce Charlize Angels Logan Marshall-Spleen Kiefer Sutherland's Dad Theme Composed By: Macron Straightfold Country of Origin: British Empire Language(s): American, English, Canadian, Australian, Welsh

Production

Executive Producer(s): Ripley's Believe It Or Not Scott Production Co.(s): 20th Century Wolf

Broadcast

Picture Format: visible

Prometheus is a 2012 science fiction film directed by Ridley Scott and starring Noomi Rapeface and Michael Bassfender. The film’s tagline quips, “The search for our beginning could lead to our end”. Or more accurately, “This is the best we could come up with for an Alien prequel”. That’s right, it’s an Alien prequel. Suck it up, princess.

Themes

Prometheus is particularly controversial for its in-universe story of how man came to be contradicting the tenets of the Darwinist faith, which explained that humans evolved from stupid monkeys climbing trees and throwing sticks into the air to be replaced by hyper advanced spacecraft. Instead, Prometheus advocates that humanity instead devolved from giant space elephants that have a penchant for creating giant statues in the likeness of the Easter Island heads, and as such it's actually perfectly fine to pay tax to a giant space elephants that have a penchant for creating giant statues (possibly of themselves) in the Cayman Islands.

Plot

A bunch of scientists discover an ancient advertisement for Predator arm cannons on Earth (according to Scott, this confirms the canonicity of the Predator’s relations with the Alien species) and head out to an alien planet under leadership by Aeon Flux. Things happen, the shit hits the fan and Michael Fassbender utters the immortal words, “Big things have small beginnings”. Early film analysts assume this is a reference to Fassbender’s earlier film Shame. Oh, yeah, Noomi Rapace undergoes an unwanted pregnancy and some four-eyed twat comes across the Space Jockey’s petting zoo enclosure, in particular the “space cobra”.

Production

Jon Spaihts originally conceived the idea for an Alien prequel after getting high one night and experiencing an acid trip of Bowman proportions. Spaihts later removed all Alien incursions he inserted into the script (which turned out after extended analysis to be all of the scenes) for fear of a lawsuit from Fox. He then developed a treatment and sent it to Ridley Scott, who lambasted the idea and destroyed the note. However, Fox quickly paid the director an undisclosed amount and Scott quickly jumped on the Prometheus bandwagon. Damon Lindelof was hired by Scott to rewrite Spaihts’ treatment and make it less about the alien and more about prancing space elephants.

Cast

Jan Levinson-Gould made her big screen debut in Prometheus.

• Noomi Rapace as Elizabeth Shaw. Preachy archaeologist bitch and former Doctor Who companion that ends up causing the entire charade. Somehow manages to remain a Christian despite learning we came from space elephants not from Jesus.
• Some guy as her archaeologist boyfriend. Probably will get what’s coming to him as the partner of the heroine.
• Charlize Theron as Meredith Vickers. Lurker. Possibly an atheist. (dun dun dun WHAT A TWIST!)
• Croaky guy as Peter Weyland. Trying possibly too hard to be as enigmatic as a Bond villain, and failing miserably.
• Idris Elba as the Captain. If the black guy doesn’t die first in this film, then frankly, I owe you a Coke.
• Milburn. Crazy punk with a Mohawk who gets high on pretty much anything.
• Four eyed twat. Guy who seemingly doesn’t understand the rules of the horror movie. You never, ever, say, “it’s okay” when face-to-face with a space cobra.

Space Elephants

Prominent examples of Space Elephants.