Paul McKenna
“Paul really helped me get over my Pringle addiction in my early 20's”
“I consider my greatest achievement to be the invention a device I like to call Paul McKenna's Wheel.”
“Having left Uriah Heep in 1978, I knew a life down t'coal mines beckoned for me.”
Paul McKenna (born 8 November 1963, in Enfield, London), author, hypnotist, therapist, football player and foof, is quite possibly most renowned author, hypnotist, therapist, football player and foof in the WORLD. He has made his name famous through his lucrative careers in football and preying on fat people
Early years[edit | edit source]
Paul McKenna was born in a period of vague political upheaval in 1984, but after the book ended and a more recognisable political system was reverted to, he had an idea. "What if I, Paul McKenna, could latch onto the pandemic fear of fatness permeating the world and sell people some kind of new-agey bullshit to fight it with?" and so the dream was born. His first book, the humbly titled Paul McKenna's I Will Somehow Fix You, immediately rocketed him to stardom, selling over 7 copies and making the problems of over four million people suddenly vanish. However, the upheaval this caused is widely considered to be the event which gave birth to emoism, a potentially fatal disease which infected many unsuspecting individuals such as the late Queen Victoria and the classical pianist James Taylor. Paul McKenna then went into hiding for several years for "personal reasons" (which later transpired to be an erectile disfunction), only resurfacing to publish a follow-up book, Paul McKenna's Paul McKenna's I Will Somehow Fix You Director's Cut.
Acting Career[edit | edit source]
Paul McKenna also pursued a morbidly successful acting career. The first role he ever played was in Star Wars, in which he played the role of Paul McKenna. Over the next few years he acted both in stage shows such as Paul McKenna's Shakespeare's Hamlet and Paul McKenna's Damn Yankees, as well as novels such as Paul McKenna's Benjamin Franklin: The Autobiography and Paul McKenna's Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. His most celebrated performance was in the movie adaptation of Paul McKenna's Oscar Wilde, in he played the role of Stephen Fry. Perhaps his most controversial role was the role of Paul McKenna in Paul McKenna's Paul McKenna, featuring a cameo by Stephen Fry played by Paul McKenna.
Other Achievements[edit | edit source]
In a bid to become some sort of half-baked magician, Paul McKenna then proceeded to shoot himself in the head with a loaded pistol, in a frankly pathetic imitation of something some other half-baked magician once did. Fortunately, although the bullet entered his brain (where it remains to this day, making him unable to experience any kind of bodily sensation), Paul McKenna survived with only moderate bruising and extreme brain damage. Later that year he produced a series of short arthouse films such as Paul McKenna's Magic Monocle and Paul McKenna's Penis. He also produced a series of shameless ripoffs of other things which he pretended were his own inventions such as Paul McKenna's Carol Vorderman's SuDuko and Paul McKenna's Bobby Charlton's Winning Goal.
Marriage[edit | edit source]
Paul McKenna eventually found his soulmate in the equally moribund Carol Vorderman. They found they had many hobbies in common, such as writing self-help books for the insecure masses and putting free faeces in the Sunday Times. A short while later he published his final work, Paul McKenna's Paul McKenna's Paul McKenna's I Will Somehow Fix You Directors Cut of the Directors Cut by Paul McKenna. The pair then gave birth to some disgusting sproglets before eloping to Brighton, England, where they probably live to this day, although to be honest no one really gives a shit.