Nuke
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“Bullseye! Can I get a WOOP WOOP?!”
“I hear they are dangerous.”
“Nuh-kle-ar.”
The Nuke
anyone who hates this tool of destruction will immediately be sodomized by General MacArthur himself.
It is the greatest tool of peace ever made. It can also be found as an animal. See Nuclear Explosions
It was first dreamed up by H.G. Wells after he thought about how damaging Taco Bell would be if weaponized. The Manhattan Project later made this devastating, infinitely burning weapon a reality. The reason for designing such an uber weapon was, as quoted by Einstien himself, " Man there are way too many dumbasses on this earth, so i thought of the best solution to this problem."
While the nuke has been used to wipe out several smaller countries[see "Nuke Preventions] and is a common tool to stop riots. An average American child has fired a nuke at least 20 times before his 10th birthday.
The nuke has shown a 99.99% success rate (not that impressive, considering that it hit Japan) in preventing both Guerrilla and Parakeet warfare.
In the unlikely event that war breaks out, nukes can be used to quickly resolve the situation. Also, Dr. Strangelove loves this particular bomb, after he learned to stop worrying.
During the Cold War, the Soviet Union and United States engaged in a nuclear dick-measuring contest. America had the bigger dick and therefore got to obliterate the USSR. The former USSR, due to being fucked so hard by western imperialism, is now broken into several countries.
Nuking in Love and War[edit | edit source]
Nuking stuff has proven popular over the last few years, especially with Jews, right-wing religious groups, George Bush and Mr. Sally's crazed uncles. By far, the most popular nuking method is the "ol' drop a nuke while riding it". There are also much more intelligent methods, involving dropping the nuke and blaming a third world country. Riding the nuke was brought to the people's attention when they watched that weird black and white movie (you know the one - nuking in the USA!). Certain black people are also able to activate nuclear missiles at will. For example, Oprah.
Nuking in Love and War (cont.)[edit | edit source]
Nuking is a joyous activity of fun for most countries. Representatives from countries meet up in Las Vegas and start to gamble. Which ever country loses gets nuked. Japan has always been bad at this game, and once lost twice in the same week. China always tries to cheat. They once rolled a 10 on a six sided die. This led to Tiananmen Square. Bush then told China "Wada u doin' rollin' a 10 on a seven - no five, no four - sided die. I'm gonna nuke your country". but then the Chinese gave him a nice kick and bush ran away like a dog sayin "Argh! I've been shoop da wooped!"
How the Nuke Works[edit | edit source]
A nuke works by the following steps
1: Conventional explosives are placed around the nuclear core of the weapon
2: A target is set
3: The weapon is flown to the target
4: The explosives detonate
5: The core is woken up by the loud noise, and gets out of bed
6: The core hears thumping in the other room and goes to investigate
7: The core sees its wife getting nailed by the target
8: The pure rage felt causes the core to annihilate the target, releasing all of its energy in an intense detonation.
Of course, this doesn't always go off without a hitch. Some cores have a cuckold fetish, and will not take offense at step 7. This is why cucked uranium is placed in nuclear reactors, where the constant and less intense sexual pleasure it feels is channeled into electrical generation.
Nuke Prevention[edit | edit source]
Nukes are commonly used to stop other poor countries from making nukes. Various countries are nuked for various reasons. The most common scale for a nuclear bombing is the dumbass scale. Based on the average IQ of the country they may or may not be bombed.
Nuclear-free zone[edit | edit source]
This does not exist. If you have nukafobia, consider suicide by aids insertion.
The Nuking List[edit | edit source]
In March of 2001, George Bush and Jake Bashore made the NUKING LIST. This list taught the world's gentlemen which places, creatures and types of toffee to nuke. Some popular examples include Iran, Syria, Holland, Japanese People, Basmati rice, and the Taj Mahal.
Controversy of Canada and The List[edit | edit source]
While the contents of the list were the subject of much controversy, even moreso were the contents missing from the list. Specifically, Canada. The answer however, is obvious to anyone with more than a fraction of a brain cell!
Simply put: Nothing bad happens in Canada. Ever.
Suicide Nukers[edit | edit source]
In the last Taliban Press conference, their head of PR, Mr.X said he hoped in future the Taliban could use suicide Nukers. Big Bad George's comment was "Future years? Hell, they only got a month." He proceeded to nuke another hapless middle-eastern country out of existence.
- G.W. Bush is about to nuke you for reading this list as it is highly confidential and part of the national intelligence (stolen from the FBI database by Chinese h4z0rs) so.... run away to Mexico or something*** Actually, Mexico's on the nuke list too, so that ain't such a good idea. Canada would probably work better.
Recreational Nuking[edit | edit source]
Music Nuking[edit | edit source]
Nuking stuff to music has also recently become very popular with the help of Scott Mullen. 'Nuke Music' consists of terrorist bands such as System of a Down, Rage Against the Machine, My Chemical Romance, Metallica, Slayer and N'Sync. Professional Nukers will also listen to Britney Spears and Lady GaGa ,but this is only for advanced Nukers. Another skill often attempted by Nukers is NUKING IN TIME TO MUSIC. This type of nuking involves a rhythm and a beat, and plenty of time and effort. Nukes are launched by correctly stepping on one of four arrows at the right time, the more precisely the arrow is stepped on the more people are killed. A good Nuker can kill a few billion people (hell, it's China) in one round (a full war takes three rounds). Unfortunately, this is a very dangerous activity, especially if the Nuker is listening to fight fire with fire's guitar riff or solo, as it can alter the Earth's orbit around the sun(assuming theres anything left of earth). With a bit of bad luck and a very loud song, we could either be pushed out of orbit or pushed into the sun. It is generally accepted that both of these would be a Very Cool Thing.
Speed Nuking[edit | edit source]
In Speed Nuking, the Nuker is just supposed to go insane with his or her nuking and nuke every thing, person and smaller poodle in sight. Very hazardous - but who cares?
Nuking as Advertisement[edit | edit source]
Nukes were a common yet attention grabbing marketing device that was often used until banned in 1999. Much like skywriting, a plane would fly overhead of say, a sporting event. The nuke was dropped and during the explosion, colorful dyes were released, often in colors of the product, like red and yellow for McDonald's. The enveloping mushroom cloud would char the bodies of the people these colors, and survivors who saw these colors were encouraged to choose McDonald's! Nintendo got in on the trend in 1990 when they first marketed the GameBoy to American consumers. They created the infamous "Explosion" game, that detonated whenever placed in the GameBoy and turned on. Even after a death toll of 20000, the government allowed these games to be sold. Sure there were lawsuits, but any publicity is good publicity! The lack of adults is noticed, and responsible for the 2009 recession.
Food Nuking[edit | edit source]
Cooking food in the magical white box you all own that gives your testes cancer if you stand besides it. Eating it will cause you to become a character in the Montey Python series.
Suitcase nukes[edit | edit source]
Suitcase nukes are nukes that fit in a suitcase. If you want possession of a suitcase nuke try one of the following retailers: the USSR; al-ki-EEE-Eda, George Bush or eBay. Commonly used by businessmen in hostile take-overs. Invented by one "Mahatma Ghandi", they are used all over the world by suicide iced cream trucks.
N00b Nukes[edit | edit source]
N00b nukes are earned by a N00b when they run around screaming that they have a three kill streak and everybody in the match gets annoyed and gets a gun and kill themselves because they have nothing to live for anyways, while in that time of the " No Lifes" killing themselves the N00b kills all AFK's and earns a Tactical nuke or what a N00b would call it "Big Boom Boom".
Baby Sitters and Nukes[edit | edit source]
On average, 80 million babysitters nuke the kid they are babysitting. Usually the kid dies. But only 100% of the time the kid lives. One anonymous kid quotes, "It was horrible. The explosion was a little bigger than a small firecracker, you know one of those $.69 ones." Selling Nukes to babysitters have made the economy better. An average of $4.20 are made every day from selling nukes to babysitters. Says a parent, "our house was completely burned down! Only the whole house was still standing!"
Done! (but the radiation never really ends)
Oh Little H-Bomb Silo,
- how sweetly dost thou lie.
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
- The spy satellites glide by.
Yet in thy darkness shineth
- The Everlasting Light.
The hopes and dreams of all the years
- Are met in thee tonight.
For war is born of terror,
- and gathered all around,
while angels sleep the mortals keep
- their watch on a smoldering hatred.
Oh morning stars of midnight,
- proclaim unholy birth!
As children scream we gain the dream
- of ... peace ... for men on Mars.