Newark, New Jersey

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“You're kidding, right?”

~ Real Estate Agent on Buying a house in Newark, New Jersey

“Well, I'd compile a report, but there's nothing to report on.”

~ Economist on Newark economy
One of Newark's beautiful open plains. Just beware of the migrating birds and elephants.

Newark is a hunting ground 2 miles from New York City. Apparently, people also live there; over 250,000 people to be exact, and it is the largest city in New Jersey. Newark is also one of the destinations in the video game Oregon Trail.

Newark was created in the 1800's as a dumping ground for homeless people and organized crime members (see 9/11), when city officials conceived an experiment in which they would send about 50,000 felons to a nearby wilderness area and arm them all with guns and knives just to see what would happen. Obviously, we all see how that experiment turned out.

Animals to expect while hunting[edit | edit source]

Common animals[edit | edit source]

Newark has a wide variety of animals, ranging from apes, jackasses, and Chris Christie. Because of the abundance of those animals, shooting them is actually promoted. Shooting a fully-grown male ape awards the hunter with 10,000 points and enough portions of meat to last a week. Just beware of the African honey bees aka killer bees since they are aggressive, can move fast, and have a tendency to gang up on hunters who are in the wrong place at the wrong time. Skirmishes with African honey bees usually end in death, and police won't save you if you ever encounter one.

Rarer animals[edit | edit source]

One of the more rarer animals found in the woods of Newark is the Red Bull. The Red Bull can be easily seen during the daytime because of its vibrant color, and during the night, has a reddish glow. This still doesn't make the Red Bull an easy kill because of its agility and aggressiveness. The Red Bull will charge full speed at anyone who comes within a mile of it. And if you decide to try and hunt it, don't bring any children because it eats children too. Then again, that might not be such a bad thing.

The rarest game animal of all is the Jersey Devil, who lives by Exit 13 of the New Jersey Turnpike. The Devil has never been killed before, though several attempts to slaughter it have been made. The most notable is when Al-Qaeda became convinced that the Devil was secretly hiding out in the Twin Towers, and planned a coordinated strike on the World Trade Center. Al-Qaeda didn't vanquish the Devil, but they killed enough jackasses to give themselves a summer's worth of meat portions.

Government of Newark (Jungle Patrol)[edit | edit source]

The government is entirely comprised of the last remaining Ramapough Mountain tribe members, which is one of the remaining Lenape Nations. They are led by grand wizard Paulie Walnuts Aka " he who hates germs and loves commercials" Most of the tribe members can barely speak English and know little about politics, but a massive modernization movement has resulted in the tribe meetinghouse getting running water and electricity for the first time ever. The tribe leaders have one of the few governments to still have a traditional monarchy, yet have done an excellent job of it. The purpose of the government is to protect guests from the ferociousness of the animals, and protect the animals from the obnoxious behavior of park guests.

The jobs of the Jungle Patrol range from guarding the forest from terrorist attacks to fighting forest fires. The government has greatly improved over the last 20 years, reducing the number of daily terrorist attacks from 1,000 to only 500. The government has also reduced the number of murders per year from 750 murders per year to only 350. The government does such a wonderful job, it gets to vote on its own salary, and last year voted to raise their salaries to $10 million each.

Tourism[edit | edit source]

Picture of Newark's finest hotel, featuring a rooftop balcony

How to get here[edit | edit source]

To get here, you can drive, fly, or take the choo-choo train. If you're the adventurous or German type, you can travel here by Zeppelin. There are many scenic trails if you enjoy hiking.The ghost of Sir Rickenboc haunted one of these trails but it also haunted the ass of Mr.Strewb as he attempted to stagger home drunken one August night. But including major routes such as the Appalachian Trail and the Garden State Parkway.

So now that you're here, what will you do?[edit | edit source]

There are many fun things to do here. There's a beautiful river nearby which is a great spot to camp at, there's mountains nearby if you like hiking, and the air is unlike any you'll find in the country. For bird lovers, the downtown has more pigeons than any other city in New Jersey. There is also a wonderful Black History Museum with an interactive attraction to simulate slavery, in which you are kidnapped in the middle of the night, shipped all the way across the Atlantic Ocean in a wooden ship, and forced to work on a cotton plantation from sunrise to sunset every day. You can also get high with the skaters behind Pathmark or by ironbound stadium. Ask for Mike R.

How to get out of here[edit | edit source]

File:Newark Interchange.jpeg
A really confusing way to get into Newark.

Okay, I admit, Newark really sucks. To get out of Newark quickly, take a right turn at Green Street, then take another right turn onto Springfield Avenue, then take another right turn onto US 22, then take another right to get onto the Pulaski Skyway, then take one more right to get onto Exit 14 of the New Jersey Turnpike. The toll is about $120. That'll get you out of here in about an hour, plus or minus 30 minutes depending on traffic.