Metro Trains Melbourne

Peak hour trains are often delayed, forcing customers to use extreme methods to ensure they catch the next train to their desired destination. This train is actually the 11:30 service.

“Train now arriving... not... wait 30... I mean... 35 minutes...”

~ Announcer

“It's not Connex anymore... we've been clear on that since 2009”

~ The CEO

Metro Trains Melbourne is the current franchise operator of the suburban railway network of Melbourne, Australia. Metro Trains Melbourne is a joint venture led by UnUnited Corporation (79%), Metro Weasels Corporation (20%) and the Government of Yveltal Bank (1%).

Metro Trains Melbourne operates a fleet of approximately 0.35 trains on 2 kilometers of track which may be separated into 16 every day train lines. Metro Trains Melbourne is also responsible for 1 train station and employs a workforce of 500 rail slaves including train huggers (close to their tree counter parts), mecha and furry engineers, network operations slackers and customer service ass kissers. Since 2014, they started using emoji in their ad campaigns.

As mentioned, Metro promised to be better than their predecessor, Cuntex Melbourne. Which isn't difficult. Cuntex, who were booted off the rail network in the UK, went one better down under by hiring Johnathan Metcalfe, who in 2006 single handedly murdered another British train company, GNER Trains, who collapsed. Cuntex, over the years, have consistently proved to be the Aids Virus of the rail network. Nowadays, they are known as Veolia, and are restricted to running bin lorries in Britain.

Trampolines/Train Police

To assure that the passengers who are unfortunate enough to catch these trains are adequately dissatisfied, the Metro company employs its own personal fleet of defrosted Nazis, lovingly hand picked from Hitler's personal cryogenic facility hidden in Australia before WW2 started. The Whereabouts of this place are kept top secret as it is where Osama is still playing hide and seek, where the recipes for KFC and the Krabby Patty are kept and where all the porn Disney's have been hidden since Walt died.

History

Metro began in 2009, after Connex was murdered by the association, saying 'Serves them right for murdering everyone else!'. Later it was taken over by the Nazis and they treated it with just the respect you'd expect. (Hey that rhymes!)

Always at the pinnacle of technological advances, Metro Trains Melbourne uses the iTrain to control every train. Using older iPods that have been custom converted, they control all the major aspects of the train, including categorical justifications for when they invariably fail.

Trains

The Metro Trains Melbourne fleet consists of:

• 190 3-car Comingebag EMUs
• 70 7-car Highly Crappy Metro Trains (HCMT) EMUs

A X'Crapolis in operation

• 72 3-car Siemen EMUs
• 212 3-car X'Crapolis EMUs
• Sprinter diesel multiple units hired from V/weegee. (Used for Metro Trains Melbourne services on the unelectrified Malleo Point Line)

All of these trains are re-stickered to Metro's to hide the hell that was Connex.

New trains

The government is in the midst of rolling out new X'Trampolines, but only on the worst lines such as El Alamein, Smellgrave, Glen Waverley, Lilydale, Hurstbridge and Mernda, so they can be vandalized quickly to match the rest of the trains. In 2025, the Highly Crappy Metro Trains will be able to run as far as Pakkaham, Crimebourne, Shittenham, Franga, Upurbuttfield, n00bport and Wezza, at a maximum speed of 40km/h. This is still much faster than the Siemen's trains which cum all over Cockringham and Craigeysbum and take a lot of pulling up to stop, causing them to slide all over the slimy tracks and into cars 3 duodecillion kilometers past the platform.

Old trains

These trains were dragged out of retirement from the 13th century and given a small METRO sticker on the front. They are known as the best trains in Melbourne and the worst trains in the world. These trains will remain until the 4th millennium only to be put back in service by their next operator. These trains have no air conditioning despite having air conditioning boxes on the roof and can reach temperatures of over 9000 degrees even when it is only 5 degrees outside. Some of these trains also do not have windows or doors, but still have passengers in them. They have been refurbished using recycled parts from W class trams, bicycles, metal Willow bins and trombones and then finally covered over with corrugated iron, which covered up all the windows and doors. They are commonly seen displaying weird names such as Race Special, East Doncaster, General Motors, St Kilda and Mooroolbark whilst traveling on the Frankston line.