Maiming the System

Systems can easily be maimed using tasty, healthful processed meat products.

Maiming the System (MTS) is a methodology used by established wiki users as a means of entrenching their personal beliefs and biases into the content of a publicly-editable website, using actual, real-world physical violence against lifesize cardboard cutouts. Unlike the related (though completely different) "gaming the system," MTS requires very little cleverness or strategic thinking ability, nor does it call for the user to know anything about the actual system being maimed. It merely requires strong hands and a good pair of scissors, though an X-Acto™ Knife, box-cutter, or even a hacksaw can be used if scissors are unavailable.

Background

The increasing popularity of wikis among internet users has inevitably made them a prime target for individuals and groups wishing to obtain free publicity for their product, service, political candidate, quasi-religious belief system, or hairstyle. ^[1] The fact that most wikis present themselves as "value-neutral" (also known as "NPOV") makes them even more attractive to "spammers," politicians, pseudo-science advocates, extremists, axe-grinders, meat-grinders, organ-grinders, and loose-leaf-binder-grinders. The latter, in particular, have become practically ubiquitous on nearly every major wiki in existence — most of which now feature lengthy, well-illustrated articles on the virtues of placing loose-leaf notebook binders into gigantic processing machines in order to produce "loose-leaf-binder mash," a healthful, environmentally-friendly substance that can be used in countless beneficial ways which could one day solve the global energy crisis, relieve world hunger, and end all human suffering.

The first known example of MTS is thought to have occurred on August 12, 2002, when members of the Worldwide Independent Proto-Hominid Organization (WIPHO) successfully had an article protected on Wikipedia that supported their position regarding the need for internationally-recognized breast-feeding standards for female chimpanzees, mostly due to their having destroyed a life-size cardboard cutout of singer Avril Lavigne. The protection remains in place to this day, though most of the embedded images have since been replaced with the standard goatse pornography that is now mandatory in all Wikipedia articles except for the ones involving the grinding of loose-leaf binders for the betterment of all humankind, which continue to be a shining example of quality amidst the horrendously tedious rubbish found everywhere else.

Various Techniques

Several distinct system-maiming techniques have been developed since 2002, each with its own set of proponents.

Piece-Snipping involves cutting out small sections of the life-size cardboard cutout, in a jigsaw-puzzle-like fashion. Though this is usually the most time-consuming technique, the psychological effect can be devastating.

Slashing and Burning is, as the name tends to suggest, the most brutal means of destroying the life-size cardboard cutout. Normally, this technique is only used by roughly 90 percent of system-maimers, since it tends to be relatively simple to accomplish and makes the most mess.

Straight lateral cross-cutting is highly popular among fans of Martha Stewart, as well as Stewart herself, who has often been quoted as saying, "Wikipedia will soon belong to me, me, me... and that's a good thing."

Diagonal zig-zag piece extraction, probably the most logistically complicated method of destroying life-size cardboard cutouts, is only used by Australians, and only when the Australian is heavily intoxicated, intoxicatingly heavy, or both.

While some believe that the person being represented "in effigy" by the cardboard cutout is an important factor in determining the effectiveness of any attempt at MTS, these people seem to be in the minority, and are usually voted down at the national MTS convention held annually in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Criticisms

Instances such as this one, in which the maiming of cutouts actually results in improved aesthetic appeal, are rare - but not unheard of.

Although it would seem to most objectivist objective observers that MTS would almost certainly be the most effective means of achieving any user's ultimate goal of "wikidomination," some suggest that other methods, such as courtesy, helpfulness, fair-mindedness, and even legitimate expertise are actually preferable to the simple expedient of slicing up a life-size cardboard cutout. While this position may seem patently ridiculous, it still has adherents, particularly within the furry community. (Interestingly, the "furries" are generally believed to be the most "well-behaved" subculture in cyberspace, along with Teenage Adolf Hitler Impersonators, Chronic Heebie-Jeebies Sufferers, and Adolf Hitlers Who Impersonate Teenagers, as well as those who advocate the grinding up of loose-leaf binders in order to solve all of the world's problems easily and efficiently.)

Another criticism often used against MTS is that each maiming must be done publicly, so as to ensure that the wiki targeted for domination cannot simply ignore the maiming of the life-size cardboard cutout. This often involves elaborate planning, multiple secure video feeds, and adequate lighting. It also increases the risk of identity exposure for the person or persons doing the maiming.

Famous Maimers

Perhaps the most famous MTS advocate is actor Tom Cruise, who has destroyed over 300 life-size cardboard cutouts to date in his unceasing effort to convince the world that he is a heterosexual. It is believed by many that because of these efforts, over 50 percent of the world's population will genuinely believe him by the year 2046, if not sooner.

Other famous maimers include right-wing British politician Enoch Powell, American political dirty-trickster Karl Rove, and Cecil, thought to be the "most insidiously devious and deviously insidious system-maimer ever" by nearly every Wiki administrator in the world, according to sources who have nothing to do with the highly worthwhile practice of grinding loose-leaf binders into an environmentally-friendly substance with many practical uses.

See Also

• Violence
• Cardboard

Notes

^ 1. It has been noted that the number of wikis currently being operated on the World Wide Web is roughly equal to: ${{10^{100}}^{1000}}$

...or, a 1 with so many zeroes after it, if the complete number were printed in 11-point type on a continuous sheet or paper, the amount of paper required would almost be enough to completely wipe your butt clean the next time you go to the bathroom.