Lisa Lee Dark
Lisa Lee’s family life
Dark was born in Llanmaemawrabertaweglasfelinllanelli, one of the Swansea valleys. Lisa Lee’s family is regarded as a perfect family by today’s standards; her father was the local village pimp, although he had to give up working with hookers during the 1980’s as he looked so much like Peter Sutcliffe. This never bothered Lisa Lee’s mother as she looked the spitting image of Myra Hindley (with a baby face). In school Lisa Lee’s mother was affectionately known as Mary Bell. Lisa Lee’s mother grew up in Ireland, in a potato field (with no potatoes). Lisa Lee’s older sister is affectionately known in her local village as ‘the bike’, because everybody has ridden her; she has 7 children by 10 different men. Some cruel villagers tried to spread a terrible rumour around the village claiming that the older sister was a prostitute, but as the sister cleverly pointed out to them, she never once charged any of those men for sex! She also pointed out to them that she never has sex straight away with the man (or men, depending on how many she’s entertaining), she makes them wait at least an hour! Lisa Lee did have a younger sister, but both her and her older sister got fed up of baby sitting her, so one night they sold her for a packet of fags, bottle of cider and a Tom Jones CD. They both felt terrible afterwards as they find Tom Jones crap!
It wasn’t long before Lisa Lee became the dominant member of her family; this was mostly due to the fact that Lisa Lee kept on murdering other family members. Lisa Lee’s parents never minded her killing the odd relative once a year, but when she began killing three a year, they knew that they had to do something. The parents warned her to stop the killings or they would punish her; they thought that the threat had done the trick until mother’s day came, Lisa Lee had told her mother that she had bought her something to take in the bath with her, it turned out to be an electric fire! This is when they sent her to boarding school for evil children. Although Lisa Lee was not in the school for long as she got expelled for being too evil.
During her childhood Lisa Lee was kidnapped by an evil child kidnapping group; this was their biggest mistake and after just 24 hours they were offering the parents money to take Lisa Lee back. Naturally Lisa Lee’s parents refused and told them that they could keep her; but after three days the kidnappers were struggling to cope with Lisa Lee. One of the kidnappers set himself on fire (with petrol and matches), two of the kidnappers hanged themselves, and three of the kidnappers threw themselves under a train. The remaining two gave Lisa Lee’s parents £1 million to take her back and they also gave themselves up to the police; they later ended up in the local mental hospital where they are still heavily medicated.
Lisa Lee has done some acting, but mostly as a voice over; most of her films have been horror films, where Lisa Lee was given the nick name of ‘The queen of horror’. Work slowly dried up for Lisa Lee because directors and producers were too scared to use her, as she had a habit of forgetting to stop acting; the film studio bosses had to keep reminding Lisa Lee that mass murder was illegal. It is rumoured that Lisa Lee only took up acting because she enjoyed the kill (literally)!
Lisa Lee went on to sing in operas. Singing never really interested Lisa Lee, until she discovered that she could scream louder than anybody else. Lisa Lee also discovered that it was perfectly legal to murder people if you were an opera singer, so she quickly learnt to love the opera world; a critic recently asked Lisa Lee how does she train her voice ready for an opera performance? Lisa Lee swears blind that her mother and older sisters’ advice was the best that she had received. Her mother told her to drink three bottles of cider, two bottles of wine (the cheaper the better) and a bottle of whiskey; then Lisa Lee finished off her daily training with her older sisters’ advice, and that is to smoke 501 fags just before each performance. Lisa Lee believes that this basic routine will keep her going for years.
Following a failed acting and singing career, Lisa has now become popular in Wales as one of the main writers on their hit TV show - CSI:Swansea. She started writing for the show when it was in its second series and has so far written two stories with a third to be filmed over the summer to be aired as part of series four in the spring of 2010.
CSI:Swansea Episodes She Wrote:
- Series 2 (2008): The Bay - Part Two (Co.Wrote with Chris Coleman)
- Series 3 (2009): How To Get A Head In Business
- Series 4 (2010): Shes Faking It
- Series 5 (2010): The Brazilian Job
- Series 6 (2011): How Stella Got Her Tubes Tied
- Series 7 (2012): The Unkindness Of Strangers
Screenplay Writing/Britannia Maffia
Due to her massive fallout with the new producers of CSI: Swansea over the amount of episodes she writes for the series being reduced, she had to find another job to make ends meet and ended up working as a screenwriter for the new BBC series, Britannia Mafia. She landed the job due to her highly publicised affair with teen hearthrob James May the creator of the show.
Britannia Maffia Episodes She Wrote Write
- Series 2 (Late 2009): Finger-ing More Thighs
- Series 2 (Late 2009): Throw The Dynamite, Duck House And Cover
- Series 3 (Early 2010): The Last Lego House On The Left
- Series 3 (Early 2010): A Nervous Wreck
- In Welsh, that is short for Swansea, Wales. It is commonly known throughout the rest of the world as heaven.