Lipocram
“In Soviet Russia, fat crams you!”
Lipocram is a medical procedure that is the opposite of liposuction. It is generally performed by taking fat from various sources and "cramming" it into someone.
Lipocramming[edit | edit source]
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Lipocram.mp3 (file info) |
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Performing a lipocram ("lipocramming") is a complicated procedure that requires skilled doctors, nurses, and lawyers. Dozens of disclosures and disclaimers are customarily signed to ensure that the patient and his family understand that a lithe, athletic body is to be converted into a quivering blob.
In the procedure, fat is loaded into a syringe and then carefully injected into the patient, in hopes of missing arteries and veins. Sometimes the fat is expanded while inside the body, using a technique in which the fat is frothed and mixed with air. Irreverent interns often refer to this as "giving [the patient] a Smoothie."
Some patients rave about acquiring a "meat curtain" as a way to protect against harsh winters in the Northeast. "Ayuh. 'S'like puttin' up cordwood," said one patient from New Hampshire.
Obtaining fat for lipocrams[edit | edit source]
Fat for the lipocram procedure is generally obtained by performing liposuctions on other people, or from animals. Health-conscious patients often request the use of Olestra, which is fat-free fat. If natural fat is used, then after extraction, it is deep-fried to preserve it until it can be put to good use in a lipocram.
Lipocrams using synthetic fat have been linked to hepatitis, gonorrhea, gerbilitis, and Fat Boy Syndrome. (Gerbilitis is defined as inflammation of the gerbil; whereas the whole point of a lipocram is inflammation of everything.)
Indications[edit | edit source]
The lipocram has various medical uses. It can be used to fight anorexia nervosa, bulimia, or just plain undernourishment.
The lipocram can also be used as a male growth enhancer.
Veterinarians use the lipocram to help underfed pets or wild animals get back up to speed. This is an economical alternative to buying name-brand pet food.
Famous patients[edit | edit source]
The mad scientist Dr. Karl Menninger lipocrammed a SCUBA tank into his left toe, though he immediately contracted meningitis.
Former President George W. Bush has tried numerous times to lipocram various objects into his brain, to no avail. It's just too small.
The lipocram in culture[edit | edit source]
The lipocram has taken a place in the popular culture of the United States, where it is not uncommon to see people flocking to new lipocram salons or lipocram booths at the mall. Reflecting the sudden popularity of offshore medical care, travel agencies have organized lipo-cruises. Vacationers can receive the procedure aboard so-called "fatamarans." Convalescence is made more comfortable by the surfeit of pontoons on the return trip.
Some Olympic swimmers have used lipocrams to achieve a more hydrodynamic shape and reduce the turbulence as the body swims through water. American Olympian Mark Spitz reportedly wanted to use lipocrams to convert his body into the shape of a dolphin before his world competition, but happily, opted for a regimen of pasta and steroids instead. By comparison, baseball's Barry Bonds, on a comparable regimen, in 2007 notoriously told a grand jury that lipocrams explained the bizarre increase in his hat size at the age of forty.
The lipocram baffles some people, but it is no more inscrutable than breast-reduction surgery, which has been with us for decades, as has the rarer penis-shortening procedure.
Many advertisers for weight-loss products use the lipocram to be able to claim that "I lost 57 pounds in 3 days!!!" It is also useful when one must re-shoot a scene for a commercial with the patient in the "BEFORE" stage.