Life as a Metaphor for Sports

Life. You're born, you die, and some things happen in between, such as meeting people, perhaps getting a job, eating, using the bathroom, eating, drinking, most likely reading, vomiting (at least twice), hearing things (unless you're deaf), seeing things (unless you're blind), smelling things (unless you have anosmia)...you know, I could probably go on about this. Life is something I'm passionate about. It doesn't appear that way, because I look like a corpse, but I am telling the truth here.

Anyway, there is one thing about life that you might not know. I know, of course, because I am dead. However, disclaimer: being dead doesn't mean I know everything yet. I have been forbidden from knowing all due to the fact that I murdered a clown while high on crack and a type of drug that I created by mixing a total of 21 different compounds, I can't remember which ones because I was high when I was making that drug, but I circumlocute from that point.

So, here goes my point, already into the third paragraph. Life is...........

...........

.........can I have a timpani roll, please?

Life is nothing more than a metaphor for sports.

Now, I bet you're wondering where I got that timpani from. We have a way of getting things here in Trash Heaven.

Don't ask.

Now, let's see here. Now you see, being dead means you have a lot less focus than when you were alive.

Okay. Life as a Metaphor for Sports. I'm not even into my story, and there's already an a-ha moment. An a-ha moment for those who don't know is when the title of the media is said within the media itself. I don't think I need to elaborate anymore than that.

Yes, life is (different choice of words this time) a metaphor for sports. Remember when Dock Ellis played that no-hitter game while high on acid? Think of that as the fearlessness some of us display in our lives. Unless you're a deer. Deer suck. All respect due to deer, but if deer were people, they'd be the worst type of people.

All deer are lame. Look at that lame polo he's wearing!

And do you know how Brett Favre had a 17-year (some argue 19-year) career? Multiply that by 7 and you get a metaphor for people who live too long. Favre's career could also be seen as a sign of perseverance.

Looks like the wife (who's also dead and living in Trash Heaven) is calling me to trash dinner.

“ No, bitch! I don't want trash fish & chips again! I want fucking trash foie gras! Trash foie gras! Do I have to djokovic? ”

“ No, I don't want that shit, bitch! Get it out of my face! You want me to do to you what I did to that clown? I will! I WILL! DON'T TEMPT ME! I'll demote you from Trash Heaven. I'm not sure where you'll go, most likely to Vanilla Heaven, or one of the 136 other types of heaven. ”

“ Or you might be sent to one of the 294 hells! There's 294 of them, not nine, you stupid Dante! Now, fuck that Trash Fish & Chips and cook me up some real food, bitch! I'm sick as Poodle Hell of this shit, not as sick as Grasshopper Hell, however. And definitely not as sick as Lawnmower Hell of this shit, just sick as Poodle Hell. ”

“ GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! *gunshot* ”

Oh, it looks like I just ended her metaphor for sports. This is the second time her metaphor for sports ended. The other time her metaphor for sports ended was when she was riding in a car with Paul Walker.

I know you're thinking, "Why did you kill her when you said life is something you're very passionate about?" Let me explain. Death is a very important part of life.

Anyway, back to what I was originally saying. Remember when Michael Jordan switched from basketball to baseball? That is a lesson in how you should be versatile in life. However, he sucks at acting, point and case Space Jam.

This movie isn't as cool as its website.

Or remember when Joe Namath (or was it Larry Csonka, I can't remember) sold his soul to the Devil? Think of that as a life metaphor for making tough choices.

How about those slams Darryl Dawkins made? That's an obvious sign for you to break all barriers in life. Also, how about when he made Man of the Millennium? That's an obvious metaphor for being a badass mofo in life.

Dawkins, you.

How about when Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in baseball? That's also an obvious sign for you to break all barriers in life. Not as powerful a sign as Darryl Dawkins, but still pretty darn powerful.

Okay. Now, we all know Wayne Gretzky did his country Canada proud. This is a lesson in the importance of patriotism. Patriotism is a love for your country, which everybody should have except for Americans.

This is what a good patriot looks like.

Or remember when Ray Chapman was fatally hit by a pitch? That is a metaphor for birth obviously.

Oh no, here comes my parole officer, the Angel Gabriel and it looks like he's wearing....what the hell is that?

GABRIEL: Hey babe, with your guardian eyes so blue. I'm talking to your dead wife. What happened to her?

ME: I'm not sure. It must have been some sort of murder. I know I didn't do it.

GABRIEL: I'm, I'm not full of shit. I think I have a hunch as to whodunit.

ME: Look, it ain't me.

GABRIEL: As evidence indicates, the deck was uneven right from the start and all the hands are playing a part.

ME: What hands? Do you see a gun in my hand?

[Gabriel points.]

ME: I'm holding this to find the mofos who did it.

GABRIEL: I know it was you.

[Gabriel gets out his handcuffs.]

GABRIEL: I'm talking you to Clown Hell.

ME: No! Anything but that! That's where the clown I murdered is! Also, Gacy is there too!

VOICE IN BACKGROUND: And don't forget the Joker!

GABRIEL: You should have thought of that before you committed the crime.

ME: But wait, I haven't finished telling my story! I'm sure to lose this contest now!