Ray Comfort
 | |
| Birth Date | December 5, 1949 |
|---|---|
| Birth Place | New Zealand |
| Nationality | God's Country |
| Occupation | Evangelist, Author, Television host, Second coming of Bananaman |
| Religion | Real Christianity |
| Spouse | |
| Kirk Cameron, Banana Comfort, Mary Comfort, Ray Bananaboy Comfort Jr. | |
| Website | http://www.needgod.com |
“Ray Comfort is a fake, the Ramtha School of Enlightenment has proven this 100%.”
“This man does not represent me!”
Ray Comfort (born December 5, 1949) is the second coming of what Brits call Weetabix.
Ray "Bananarama" Comfort is the sworn enemy of Harold Camping and (the next prophet to predict doomsday aka attempt at a pseudonym ever conceived by mankind) is the head of the Living Waters ministry which preaches the gospel truth according to the real Bible as well as The Way of the Master seminar series. Also He has written a number of books about His experiences being the true reincarnation of bananas as Banana Man. Comfort lives with his three children Banana Boy, Mary, and Ray Johnthebaptist Jr, his wife Susan B Comfort, and his friend Kirk Cameron who is completely impervious to fire. Comfort is also an accomplished slug balancer.
Ray Comfort's Personal Beliefs[edit | edit source]
This is a brief list of Ray's "Truths"
- The Bible is the absolute truth, NO EXCEPTIONS!!!
- Banana's are not only delicious, but prove the Bible as truth
- Religion is evil
- Christianity is not actually a religion
If you buy the products that Ray Comfort sells you go may to heaven, otherwise you go to Hell.If you fall to your knees and ask Jesus to reveal himself to you, and really, really mean it, you will be given absolute proof that God exists. If your rational mind is functioning better after this experience then you really meant it and you have saved yourself: no Jesus necessary.Encourage other people to buy the products that Ray Comfort sells so you and they may go may to heaven, otherwise you and they go to Hell.Evangelize while you wake, sleep, eat, meep, and evangelize. The word of God must be heard.- Love for Jesus + Love for God + Love for Sinners + Evangelism + Balls + a teaspoon of Weetabix = Ray Comfort.
- Kirk Cameron is
wealthier than youbetter than you. - Atheists/Muslims/Hindus/Buddhists/Jews/Uncyclopedia authors/French people/You will all go to hell unless one admits he/she is a wretch like he does.
- Watching Joel Osteen everyday helps your love life. That’s how I met a Muslim once.
- You need to become miserable for Jesus, the Bible says so!
In fact the Bible says you will have trails, tribulations, temptation, persecution. [1]
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Born ethnically half-Jewish (via his mother), Comfort was raised with next to no religious experience; in his words: "I went through life without any Christian instruction at all. I think I went to church about three times in about twenty years. I hated it. I found it's rules to be an insult to my intellect. However; I always found the wine pleasing. I remember holding the cup to my mouth longer than anyone else, feeling the wine course over the back of my throat, then joking, 'So you drunk I think, do you? Well, I'm going surfing now *huccup* so BYEBYEBYEE. *wave* LOLBBQPTL"
On April 1, 1972 at 1:30 AM, Ray had an epiphany, that he was indeed Richard Dawkins incarnate. It was at that moment that Joel Osteen appeared to him and told him that "Every body dies, therefore there is a God, and that God is God, and that God is God, and that God is God"...etc, and so on, and so forth, forever. Then the Joel Osteen disappeared. Ray had a shower then took the Gideons Bible from the Weetabix flavored nightstand and left, heading towards the nearest church. For the next 7 days Ray read the Bible over and over again, emerged from the church and declared that He had found God. Where He found God, was inside Him, where God had taken up residence.
His first act as Banana Man was to find himself a wife so that he could procreate and father new holy sons of Thunder.
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
Love and Marriage[edit | edit source]
Ray met his wife Susan B while he was open air preaching in the greater Los Angeles area in 1981. She was convinced to marry Ray and bear his children.
After bearing Ray his third child on December 25 1997 Ray Johnthebaptist Comfort Jr., Susan mysteriously disappeared from time. After a feverish nationwide search by Living Waters officials, Ray himself found Susan born again in a nearby Jordan River. Autopsy reports, done by forensic experts at the Living Waters church, showed that Susan had been walking alone by this Jordan River and had suddenly got baptised. She immediately fell into the Jordan River and almost drowned in the clear, crisp, cold Jordan river water. By her request she was raised up out of the water immediately and after, her soul born again into Nesquik chocolate milk powder. Ray was noted as saying, "every time I drink chocolate milk, I know Susan is somewhere at the grocery store."
For hours on end Ray was devastated. It was then that a miracle occurred to Ray. Into the compound walked Kirk Cameron (From the critically acclaimed TV series Growing Pains.)
Kirk Cameron's "Growin' Pane" Style[edit | edit source]
Kirk and Ray immediately hit it off so fine that they have assured their own eternal salvation and now they are trying to save other people. Well there was just one little embarrassment, Kirk got so frustrated doing only religious stuff with Ray that he put his hand DANGEROUSLY close to his own crotch and Ray didn’t get round to saying he should stop. Did either of them repent for this? Well we don’t think they repented, after all they put it into YouTube where it is setting an example to other men with similar interests.
Did they hit it off so fine that they might have to roast slowly together in Hell?
The Living Waters ministry is the only evangelical ministry in America. Kirk and Ray are also the only two leaders of an evangelical ministry and all the others are false ministries leading to false conversions. We know all that because Kirk and Ray have told us.
Ray believes clocks tell time. From that revelation on, Ray has written Wikipedia articles to spread the good word that Kirk Cameron is entirely impervious to fire. His marriage is better than yours too, because he actually chooses to love his wife and treat her right. How absurd!