Kick-the-head

Kick-the-head is the technical term used by historians to refer to the set of events and actions that evolved into the sport known today by many as football or futbol, by some as soccer, and by others as a waste of good TV airtime.

Origins

Kick-the-head was created shortly (geologically) after primordial ooze, and a long time before catoast. It was collectively invented by cavemen immediately after they had evolved enough to develop the insignificant concept of war. If you do not believe in evolution, then perhaps another article would be more appropriate.

It is believed that, from time to time, different tribes of ancient humans would come into contact, and upon such meetings would try to make a convincing display of why their tribe was superior to the other. Following the obligatory unintelligible pointing-and-grunting (which is another ancient practice that survived to modern times), there would be contests of strength, speed, hairiness, shadow length, and ability to stare at the sun. More often than not these contests would not produce a victor, or even a Dwayne, and would instead merely make both sides more convinced of their own supremacy. From here two stages would occur in any average kick-the-head game:

The Bloodshed

All Kick-the-head games would begin with a good twenty to thirty minutes of bloody carnage and violence (not to be confused with bloodless carnage and violence). Then there would be a union break, followed by another period of general chaos. After the dust settled, as the settling of dust always ends a battle, one tribe would have proven why it bested its opponent. Over the course of the brawl, tribesmen would inevitably be decapitated, which, considering that they only had the random blunt sticks and rocks that were lying around, must have been quite a challenge. Hmm, perhaps cavemen were far more advanced than we previously believed…

…Nevertheless, one of these ancient humans on the winning side would as well inevitably wish to pick up and hold aloft the removed head of a foe to rub it in. Not literally! That’s disgusting. The heads, however, were usually covered in blood which, for any laymen who have not been covered in blood, makes it very slippery. As such, the person could not possibly use his hands to hold the ball, leading to the second stage…

The Kicking

The caveman who was unable to hold the head would be forced to do the next best thing: kick it at the other tribe’s remaining members. The aimed for person would dodge the head, and kick it back in retaliation. When kicks missed, other cavepeople standing around would get involved, until everyone was running around, chasing after and kicking the cranium at each other. In very rare cases, there would be one who was either so manually adept that it could catch the head and throw it back, or so mentally slow that it could not get out of the way. In the latter situation, it was often customary for at least one kicker, if not all the kickers, to scream “BOOM! Headshot!” This is another phenomenon that has lasted to today, where people with the mental equivalents to cavemen achieve national popularity for yelling it out.

Development

Disclaimer: If you believe that the universe and modern world were created in seven days and there could not possibly have been any time for so-called development, then click this link for something more enjoyable.

The Ice Age

A long drought of Kick-the-head occurred during the Ice Age due to both a lack of people and a lack of food. Tribes rarely came into contact in this period, in addition to the cultivation in the human mind of sense, which sharply decreased the amounts of Kick-the-head that were played. Any animal heads that were found were eaten, and would have been too misshapen, regardless. Experimentations with Kick-the-rock and Kick-the-ice were made, but the former was too painful and the latter just left them cold. Kick-the-head disappeared for several millennia.

The Classical Period

There have been unconfirmed reports that the ancient Spartans would kick the skulls of their fallen enemies around after a battle, but the only support to this idea are several Greek poems mentioning it, and who the hell can trust that?

The Dark Ages

There is no evidence whatsoever of any Kick-the-head having been played in the period following the sack of Rome, while it is hypothesized that it likely did occur. Evidence cannot be found because it’s too goddamn dark to see anything!

Hey, these things happen when the human race forgets how to write things down for a couple centuries. Well, except for Beowulf, but nobody can read that either.

The Middle Ages

A sharp rise in the number of Kick-the-head games occurred towards the end of the middle ages, corresponding with the English Renaissance and the Elizabethan era. The greater number of flowery poets and sonnet writers conflicted with the massive numbers of the impoverished and destitute. Many naïve poets would attempt to “educate thy filthy masses” with their works, and would often fail miserably. Like what usually happens in a mob, a riot would break out in order to silence the writer. One thing led to another, and a game of Kick-thine-head would ensue, usually with everyone from the riot. This form of game is also known as mob football.

It ought to be noted that William Shakespeare achieved lasting acclaim by being able to survive and escape mobs. Having grown up himself poor in Stratford-upon-Avon, Bill Shakespeare had seen and partaken in many games of mob football. As well, Billy Shakes had grown up to be a wiry Brit and could hold his own in most pub-fights. By the time he was a playwright and poet, Billtney Spears could often dodge and evade mobs long enough to run to the safety of Elizabeth’s castle.

The Light Ages

No such thing exists, but keep reading.

Modern Kick-the-head

In the mid to late 19th century (the one with the 1800s), the invention of many ball related games like baseball, basketball, and prostitution (see Nevada) led many to come to the conclusion that perhaps a head was not always required to play Kick-the-head. The use of the ball had advantages over conventional heads because it was lighter, softer, more aerodynamic, and the players would no longer need to have the post game cleaning of the shoes. The general concept remained the same; to not touch the object with the hands and kick it at each other. Because of the kicking, it was unanimously decided to name the sport “football”, at least until some other fools decided to name another sport football that had more to do with catching and throwing than feet. Aside from the radical move from cranium to ball, modern football has two major differences from ancient Kick-the-head.

Differences

Scoring

The object of modern football is to score points by kicking a ball into a goal. This differs strikingly from the object of Kick-the-head, where the object was to kick a head into someone, preferably into their genitals. To accomplish scoring, modern players must traverse an approximately 100m long puddle of the sap-like substance pitch, and kick the ball into the designated goal area. Said goal area is defended by the other team’s keeper or goalie, which represents the ancient caveman who could catch the bloody face or would stand in its way. No points are scored for hitting the keeper/goalie/goalkeeper/goaltender/chickentender. In ancient times the game area consisted of a field or flat ground, and was approximately as long as from “here” to “over there”. As well, the modern tradition for scoring that has replaced “BOOM! Headshot!” upon scoring is of course yelling “GOAAAAAAAAALLLL!!”

The Bloodshed

Pain and violence have always been closely linked with the game of football throughout its existence. Rather than having the carnage prior to the game as in ancient times, modern football has it following the game. This makes sense, because a head is no longer required, so the fighting can really be whenever. Nowadays, rather than fighting over “who will win”, spectators brawl over “who should have won” as it is compared to “who did win”. Even in the more contact-involved American football, riots still occur post-game, especially if the Raiders or Eagles are involved. Many historians joke that “mob football” was shortened to simply “football”, as the first part was redundant.

Similarities

As stated above, the basic concept of Kick-the-head lives on today in modern football, with people running around and kicking an object amidst a war-zone like atmosphere of belligerence. This year the sport was celebrated worldwide as Italy proved itself to be this quadrennial’s best team of kickers. For more information on this and its relation to Kick-the-head, visit the World Cup page.

Future Kick-the-head

It is widely believed that by 2030, if the United States men’s team has gotten good enough to attract its country’s attention or the US women’s team pulls off enough uniforms after successful kicks to attract its country’s attention, football will surpass war as the worldwide pastime (alcohol remains a close third).

It is as well believed that future Kick-the-head will involve zero-gravity fields, robots, and if at all possible, lasers. Nobody yet knows how these will influence the grand old sport or what is in store for it even later on, except for Nostradumbass.

Miscellaneous Facts

• The first ever game of Kick-the-head was played in 17,856 B.C. and was won 2-1 by Brazil
• Pele scored all the goals in the above game, including the one for the other team because he felt sorry for them
• British historians call it “Kick-the-‘ead”
• Sufferers of Decapitation Disease are 80% more likely to be involved in a game of Kick-the-head soon after infection than the average person

See also

• Soccer
• Football