Keyblade

“The Heartless have great fear of the Keyblade”

~ Leon on Why anyone uses giant keys in the first place

Potental Keyblades, these cadets are still learning.

Keyblades are comprised of a key and a blade, hence the name's origin, but not to be confused with a golf club, they actually do look quiet a like. However, despite the myth spread by the game depicting Lord Sora's, General Riku's, and Admiral Donald Duck's campaign to unify Kingdom Hearts, Sora never wielded a Keyblade. The main assumption of this false analogy was that Lord Sora often used his blade to open doors and crack chests by obliterating them; the act of such wanton destruction would have pushed the game's ESBR rating into "M," thus the developing team opted instead for a less violent "Keyblade." The idea came about when a senior executive used his car keys to subdue a thug in the Disneyland parking lot. Ironically, following the video game rendition of Kingdom Hearts, Lord Sora had custom Keyblades made for himself as a sort of fan-service to his subjects.

However, this weapon was quite less of a key than it's name suggests, as it could unlock chests, Keyholes, containers for human hearts, but could not do a damn thing when the message, "This door is locked", reared it's ugly ass head.

The Keyblade's role in Kingdom Hearts (the game)

An early concept figure, using the game's LEGO engine

In the game, the Keyblade is a mystical weapon that chooses it's wielder by checking a character's various parameters to ensure them suitable as the protagonist. These parameters were to check the character's age (13 to 16), hair type (spiky to spikier), and gender (male to fruity). However, the developing team ran into trouble when the Keyblade would choose such ill-fates as Gary Coleman, or Cloud Strife cos-players as its master on different playthroughs. Thus, to ensure Sora would receive the Keyblade on every new game, the developers included a "heart" parameter that made absolute Sora was the character it chose.

While it is unclear how the Keyblade is capable of inflicting severe damage due to its lack of an edge, it was inferred the prongs of the Keyblade were capable of seeking out vulnerable areas on an enemy (the face or groin for example) and inflicting harm that way. This assumption was swiftly denounced by Lord Sora himself, stating in the January press conference that the Keyblade didn't cause that much damage to begin with, and "...I could probably take [the nothing heartless] out faster with my bare hands."

As tribute to Lord Sora afterwards, the developing team included a form that would enable Sora to, indeed, use his barehands in the follow up game, called the "Anti-Form" in which he becomes a Heartless. However, the Keyblade then kills him, renderring this form annoying and useless. It has been known to pop up in areas void of save points and in very difficult boss battles. Also to be included in the follow up game (set one year later to depict the Nobody War), were the "Valor", "Wisdom", "Master", and "Final" forms that were more loyal to Lord Sora's true fighting style in real life. The reason these were not included in the first installment was due to technical limitations at the time.

Keyblade Screening

Only the best have made it into the final game

Of the few Keyblades to make it into the final game, many Keyblades were proposed. The screening process rigor is carried out by Lord Sora, General Riku, and Vicereine Kairi themselves, whom of which have proven in the past to have high standards for their armament.

Some notable candidates to be turned down were:

• Chuck Norris: Equipping this Keyblade would cause you to instantly beat the game. Every game. EVER. It is suspected that AAA did something and was able to equip it somehow... And... Uhh... Yeah...
• Bruce Campbell: This was a blade of zombie flesh and demon bones able to kill any dark or undead being in a single swipe, proven to be capable of destroying the Chuck Norris Keyblade.
• Hemmingway: This otherwise plain-looking Keyblade was turned down because it's special ability, "Unreal Suicide", rendered the player invulnerable to any form of harm. However, it also insured that the player's health decreases at a steady rate of 25HP per second. Once his health reached zero, Sora would stop whatever he was doing and stab himself through the heart, thereby explaining the ability's name and ending the game in the worst way possible. As such, it made the game extraordinarily difficult to beat (especially considering that your max HP was only 150). The only positive aspect of this otherwise ungodly Keyblade was that any enemy struck would drop health orbs with each hit, thereby prolonging your inevitable demise.

Marxist: This rejected model utilized the ability "вкусные деньги", which turns all Munny orbs into HP orbs

• Marxist: Originally a Celtic design found in the caves around Scotland, this Keyblade sports great strength and HP power, but lacks in ideas and tends to make things up on the spot. The ability, "вкусные деньги", is undecipherable, so nobody knows really what it means. However, from observation, it can be seen that it turns Munny into HP. This may be okay if the weilder is low on HP, but does not bode well for those who wish to add extra linings in their pockets. In fact, this technique mirrors the strategy used by the Anglo-Saxons against the Vikings; they filled their bnaks with food instead of money. At first the Vikings found it okay and stole the food, but then a few weeks later they suffered severe cramps and toilet problems and eventually became extinct.
• Communion: Proposed by the Catholic Church, this design wasn't rejected from bad taste nor bad design (it was a beautiful stain glass design), but rather because it's extra ability, "With the Love of God and Christ, our sins may be forgiven and our debts be repaid, in Lord Almighty's name, amen", wouldn't fit in the character limit alloted. (The ability itself added +5 to HP.)
• Soranium: Proposed by Lord Sora himself, this Keyblade featured innumerable blades curved about each other in such a symmetrical manner as to drive the Str and Mag rating of the weapon into the upper 50's. The blade also had a span challenging that of the Masamune, and was equipped with the ability "Live Strong", which made Sora bullet proof, magic proof, and caused all enemies on screen to explode immediately. This design was rejected on a 2 to 1 vote by both Riku and Kairi, whom then proceeded to beat Lord Sora with a trout and the model of Soranium which Sora used to demonstrate it's uses.
• Masakey: The idea for this Keyblade was put forward by everyone in Hollow Bastion/Radient Gardens, who couldn't see why you couldn't have a Keyblade that resembled Sephiroth's famous blade. They said that having to beat him twice in two games and getting nothing in return but a gay Keyblade that resembles Cloud's (and nothing in the first game) was just plain wrong. Upon hearing this, Lord Sora sent an angry letter to Squaresoft. The gods then became enraged and hit him seven thousand times with bolts of lightning, once for every time Goofy said somthing gay in Kingdom Hearts I and II.
• Mic-Key: This one was turned down not only because of the lame pun, but because King Mickey was sueing for being duct taped to a rod and being used to clobber people. The use of this Keyblade may cause cancer.
• Wik-Key: This particular weapon was able to squash enemies with the sheer weight of the blade. However the Un-Wik-Key was never used since it caused all enemies (and allies') heads to explode to smitherines.
• Woo-Key: This Star Wars themed blade was turned down on the basis that it was a clear ripoff of a lightsaber, complete with humming and ungodly glow. The blade's ability was "We love George Lucas" which allowed the user, upon uttering the blade's ability to clone the blade so many times that even Chuck Norris would have a problem getting rid of them all (DISCLAIMER: Chuck Norris doesn't have problems, problems have Chuck Norris), and also allowed the user to use the force. The ability was rejected because Disney doesn't like George Lucas.
• Son-ey: Sony decided to place a great burden/gift on the franchise of Kingdom Hearts and produced a Keyblade based on Sony's own greatness. It's basically a long, thin PS2, with a PS3 stuck on the end. The handles are fashioned out of the PS1's chunky controllers. The ability is "Overprice", where any Munny collected is in negative figures. This has led to this Keyblade being abandoned by poor people, and so is often only used by the filthy rich or suicidal. Sony decided to go ape with this Keyblade idea and charged Lord Sora $50,000,000 for using it (as this classes as advertising rights). Eventually Sora caved in and paid the money to Sony, but the money fell through to George Foreman when he sued Sony's ass for stealing the design of his new grill and using it for the PS3. Sora is now planning to move to Nintendo because he is sick of Sony charging too much for too little.
• The Fatass: This Keyblade is the pathetic result of Sora getting depressed and eating too many donuts. The blade resembles a churro with a donut on the end. This Keyblade has the power to make the user fat and lazy, limiting movement and magic, but gaining health and AIDS for every enemy eaten. Disney rejected this idea because it offended the stupid fucks who went out and got AIDS from some cheap hooker they found in the trash.
• Dasjosef This is supposedly the greatest keyblade ever created by a super nerd/geek/smith. It's ability is "Ultima Uber Pwn", but also has a back effect of bending reality. It pwns every thing including you if you don't pwn some thing quickly! It looks like a sword with a computer at the top, and a PS3 as the handle with a game control as the key chain. It also has STR + infinity, MAG + infinity, and ATK + infinity, as well as gives ultimate attack "Super-califragilistic-expealidocious Omni-slash x 100" and it kicks butt. It's too powerful for Sora or any one else. Last time it was used it rained trout in Hollow Bastion for a week! It's user and whereabouts are unknown to every one but Cloud, Aerith/Aeris and Reno/Axel.
• Communist Key This Keyblade was turned down for a number of reasons, including its title. It's ability, "Gimme", made it so that every time you struck an enemy, whatever damage it sustained was turned into munny that instantly went into your inventory. However, the big drawback was that eventually, the ability turned into "Negative Public Image", and any Heartless or Nobodies that you saw would kill you on sight
• Mon-Key This key blade is in the shape of giant monkey and apparently the ability "fecal attack" wasn't too popualar with the creators when the keyblade began shooting feces out its arse and would sh*t in its hand and throw for long range attacks, its was suggested by Sora, but was harshly rejected.