Köppen climate classification

So, the Caspian Sea and the Great Lakes get a classification, but none of the oceans do? Unfair.

Köppen climate classification is a method of determining how likely it is that your vacation will be absolute dogshit. It has however proven ineffective because the more you travel, the more you realize that the whole world is one giant ball of garbage, so you might as well just commit suicide and hope you go to heaven.

Type A: Assburningly Hot (And Wetter Than Your Pants.)

In the middle of the tropical jungles, you must deal with this shit. The "A" is, of course, short for "AAAAAAAAAAAAA!", the reaction of anyone who goes outside in such a climate. Ah, the good old feeling of being in a tropical paradise with all its beautiful jungles and weird animals and corrupt dictators whose power still manages to be very loosely enforced.

Af: Constantly 90 Degrees and raining.

Self explanatory. Avoid at all costs, unless you actually like that stuff. (Fuck it, I'm headed for Alaska after this shit.)

Am: Monsoon? Typhoon? What?

Where "monsoons" occur, the winds magically change direction seasonally, causing massive amounts of rain to come in the summer. So, it's basically like Af, but only half the year.

Aw: Where the lions live, I guess

*blah blah blah insert boring statistics here hurr durr hurr durr*

As: Where the lions live, I guess, 2: Electric Boogaloo

*same as above but it gets more rain in the winter than in the summer*

Type B: Assburningly Hot (Death Zone)

If there is a Hell, it is almost certainly classified as this. The ugliest places on Earth are all in this zone (including a big chunk of Spain.) There's a whole bunch of complicated math for determining if a place qualifies for the Death Zone, but it is likely that a simple rule of thumb would work better: if you die in within 20 heartbeats of entering an area, it qualifies as Death Zone. Less than 20 heartbeats, and you'll still probably be dead before you can leave.

BWh: Hot Deserts

Wait, I thought that they were all hot! Well, apparently these are just hotter than the others. That makes them all the better to use as ovens for cooking deserts desserts.

BWk: "Kold" deserts...??

So apparently the "h" in "Bwh" doesn't stand for "hot" after all, unless the "k" in "Bwk" stands for "kold". "Cold" deserts are surpringly common and can be found in a variety of different places, apparently. I've never seen a cold desert and likely you haven't either.

BSh: Hot bullshit

These are really dry places that are still not dry enough to qualify as deserts. How is that possible? How can that be real? It even has "BS" in its name!

BSk: Kold bullshit

In the colder inland parts of the world, the so-called "steppe" exists. Go ahead, guys, debate if that's pronounced "step" or "steppy". It might just be "steppAYYY" (with extreme emphasis on the AYYY.) Actually, if the word isn't pronounced like that, then fuck the world, I'm about to killmyfuckingself.

Type C: Supposedly Manageable

This is the so-called "temperate zone", but almost every single area in Type C has some sort of catch: the American west coast's earthquakes and wildfires (and ridiculous rain in its northern part), the constant feel of stickiness in the American South, and France's... we won't talk about that.

Csa: Los Angeles

This is what Los Angeles is like. If you've never been to Los Angeles, count your blessings. If you live in Los Angeles, GET THE FUCK OUT! Anyway, the European Mediterranean coast is all CSA as well, (no, not that CSA!) I don't know what's wrong with all you British tourists, hoarding and crowding up Gibraltar and shit. Why would anyone want to live there?

Csb: Proudly not Los Angeles

As far as an American west-coaster is concerned, the Csa-Csb divide is a fucking godsend, since it separates everything north of Los Angeles from the dreaded City of Fallen Angels.

"So, you're from the West Coast?"

"Yeah."

"Like Los Angeles?"

"FUCK NO! NOT LOS ANGELES!"

"What?"

"IN L.A. THEY HAVE NO TASTE! IT'S JUST ONE BIG HEAP SMOG, CAR HORNS, PEOPLE WHO ACT LIKE CELEBRITIES, BAD FOOD, DIRTY ALLEYS, AND THAT SHIT! WE HAVE WILDERNESS, ACTUAL CULTURE, HIKING TRAILS, SURFING SPOTS THAT AREN'T SO CROWDED!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"BUT LIKE WE SAID- WE'RE NOT LOS ANGELES!"

*both immediately sigh and fall silent*

Csc: Barely relevant mountain zone

Basically an anomaly. Found in the Sierra Nevadas Cascades, Klamaths, and Olympic Mountains, as well as some random Arctic village in Norway and some mountain top in Hawaii. Nobody gives a shit about CSC except mountaineers.

Cfa: Nastily moist

Places like southern China and Y'allistan suffer from hot-as-shit, sticky temperatures in the summer, and dry-ass breezes in the winter.

Cfb: Oceanic climate

This climate type is named after Oceania, the fictional nation that contains Airstrip One in Nineteen Eighty-Four. Thus most of Great Britain falls under this zone. In an Oceanic climate, the most prominent form of precipitation is Eurasian Eastasian Eurasian nuclear bombs. This rain always comes down. But you can hakuna-matata it all away with just a sprinkle of Doublethink. INSTANT MIRACLE CURE!!! 100% BIG BROTHER GUARANTEED!!!

Cfc: Oh yeah, that one.

You can't even find it on maps, except in maybe a couple speckles of the Andes. Might as well not even be real

Cwa: Monsoon-influenced.

One day it started raining, and it didn't quit for four months. We been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain... and big ol' fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath. Shoot, it even rained at night...s

Cwb: Not quote tropical, but surely quite rainy.

In the summer, it feels tropical, and rainy as crap, but almost no rain falls in the winter. The only notable thing about this climate is Mexico City, and that's only there because a bunch of Aztecs saw an eagle eat a snake on a prickly pear cactus... or something. Those sure are some weird guys, those Aztecs.

Cwc: Another kind of climate that doesn't exist.

They call me a different kind of climate denier, you know. You literally can't find this climate zone on maps, at ALL. It's described as "cold subtropical", and from what I can tell, that's a fucking oxymoron.

Type D: Fuckin' Nasty Winters

This type contains freeze-your-fingers-off-cold places like most of Canada, Russia, Alaska, Eastern Europe, the northeastern quarter of the United States, and the planet Hoth.

Type E: Absolute Zero Degrees Kelvin

At -460 degrees in heart-disease-and-corn-syrup units, and -273 degrees in morons-with-a-superiority-complex units, absolutely everything stops moving. (Why? I don't know, and I don't give a shit.) Places in the Type E zone include Antarctica and the interior of Greenland. So that's why nobody lives there. What? It took you that long for YOU to realize this as well? I guess we're all probably retarded.