Jewdai

“Oy vey.. Look, Bubbeleh. These aren't your droids. ”

~ Obi Wan Kenoberg on Space Nazis

The word Jedi is derived from the ancient Punic words jedee (je-dee) meaning master and dia meaning deliberation (or debating) making Jedi the master debaters of the Carthaginian lands of Corsica. The name was given due to their great powers of persuasion, as they were often used as diplomats in times of conflict. So a Jedi was a great debater that follows the teachings of the ancient Carthaginian people. Modern Jedi however have begun to change that definition.

Location

Jedi can be found in a galaxy not too far away if you take a right after you leave the Local Group of galaxies. Then you go straight toward the large black hole to your immediate left. You will be taken to a planet called Coruscant and from there you are on your own.

Today's Jedi about town

Modern Jedi can be characterised by two things at the core of their beliefs, the Force and Star Wars programming. Some modern Jedi have even moved away from their traditional role of diplomat into simply being people that don't seek confrontation, moving into the roles of musicians, programmers and politicians.

The Force

A devout Jedi gains power over others through "The Force". When a Jedi is truly powerful, he can tell people the craziest things and they'll believe them.

Such classics include:

"These aren't the droids you're looking for." - All the while the droids they are looking for are right there.

"It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes." - While the woman is surrounded by sweaty Jedi

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman." - While all evidence points otherwise.

"We're bringing peace and democracy to the Middle East" - While further damaging an already poor relation between the hostile states of the region.

"You will ignore my mind tricks." - Which generally causes the victim's head to explode, and the Jedi to feast upon his brains, and take home what he cannot eat in a doggie bag.

"We will be greeted in Iraq as liberators!" - Said in 2003 by the former Jedi apprentice Darth Cheney

"I am not a crook" Said to the american population about spying on the rebel alliance Supreme Sith Lord Nixon

"I'm not batshit insane" - Said by Tom Cruise

"The NHS is at it's BEST ever!" - Said by Patricia Hewitt in 2006.

General Disposition

Historically Jedi are known for being peaceful,screwy, and kindly stewards of justice and righteous defenders of truth; however during times of conflict they are known for their outrageous acrobatic fighting - which borders on breakdancing - lightning coming out of their fingers and being completely indestructible when facing any non-Sith opponents, unless their character is only two dimensional and lacking any real back story. An exception to this rule of thumb is when they face off against a clone trooper, who appear to be indestructible when fighting any Jedi except Obi-One Kenbi and Master Yogurt. It is assumed that the shiny-ness of their armour blinds the Jedi and thus makes them vulnerable.

The smaller the traditional Jedi, the most powerfull he is. Master Yoda and Luke Skywalker are both tiny people and traditionnal Jedi of great power. At the opposite, there is Darth Vader who is quite tall, but sold himself to the Sith.

When a Jedi has higher ground, he cannot be defeated in battle. This is true no matter how small the vertical advantage.

Of late, there have also been many complaints and protests against excessive force in the Jedi police state and violations of the Geneva Conventions, as the Jedi, despite their superior abilities and indestructibility, take no prisoners in battle nor have any record of ever disabling a weaker foe by non-lethal means (for case law, see the wrongful death grievance in Mace Windu vs. the Heirs of Jango Fett, in which the court awarded each of the 1.3 billion plaintiffs $2.15 each).

Jedi and Sith

There are two sides to being a Jedi; traditional Jedi are really swell guys who will persuade a bartender that your tab is paid up, while the renegade faction the Sith are really cool guys who will gladly kill off your superior officer to get you a promotion.

The Names

There is no set naming convention to being a Jedi, you just get stuck with the shitty title "Padawan" until you prove you're not a complete pansy.

Sith however rename themselves cool stuff that is usually a typo and gives some hidden meaning to how they play out in the grander scheme of the universe like:

• Darth Vader (the dark father)
• Darth Traya (the dark betrayer)
• Darth Maul (the dark bludgeon)
• Darth Malak (the dark guy with no jaw)

The Signs

There are several easy to spot signs of a Jedi:

• Carries a really big key chain on their waist.
• Constantly refers to forks.
• Obsessed with saving the world.
• Waving their hand while talking can suddenly win them an argument.
• Can leap over over a building in a single bound.
• Repeatedly pulls out his lightsaber and slashes up his team mates limb's off if he hears something move.

Jedi of Note

• Moses - One of the earliest known force users, Moses is one of the most powerful wielders in history. His power was so great that he split the Red Sea and turned the Nile River red. In one of the first recorded lightsabre duels he defeated Ramses III, throwing his corpse into the Red Sea before he closed it. Afterwards he wandered in the desert training his followers, dying before he could properly complete the training of an apprentice. It would be many years until another master arose, though not a true Jedi by name, almost all Jedi can trace their teachings back to Moses' Big Book of the Force.
• Jesus - Born of a virgin, Jesus was the second true great force user. Conceived of will of the Force, he became the template of the 13 disciples that learned from him; from the stylish long hair, to the beard and even right down to the robes Jedi everywhere consider a standard. Unfortunately, after a wicked lightsabre battle Jesus was captured and tortured by the Romans, Jesus called for the Romans to "Just chill out, lol." The Romans were sadly unchillable and he was nailed to a cross and left to die. Three days later, Jesus became the first true force master in decades by being able to materialise again after becoming one with the force. He then directed his 11 remaining disciples to Corsica, where they founded the Jedi.
• Yoda - A mental patient living on a swamp moon called Dagobah, for being able to say random words and as philosophical gold have it taken he was known. Very easily amused being, heartily at anything and everything, damaged space fighters including, he laughed. From Dr. Hibbert syndrome Yoda long suffered, and months after training Mark Hamill, a relapse he had, giggling constantly and drooling everywhere, to several questionable remedies being tested which led - having men's hands inside his colon which included. Suspected to more to his death than anything else contributed, these treatments are.
• Mace Windu - A member of the Jedi council, this highly revered warrior was often made the butt of homosexually-oriented jokes for the choice of crystals used in his lightsabre which, unlike most red, green or blue sabres use at the time, was a distinct purple (which was later used more often by Jedi after the Battle of Taboo and the revelation that Yoda was gay).
• Obi-Wan Kenobi - Known for being "the only hope" of many women around the galaxy, this ladies' man trained not only Mark Hamill but Darth Vader as well. Alter-Ego of Nayan

• Sara Kestelman - She was a powerful Jedi Master and historian of the Jedi during the Great Hyperspace Mess. She trained many Jedi in the ways of the Pink Side, and she caused her padawan Revan to fall to the Dark Side. Because of that the council banned her, so she thought that the Sith are waaaay cooler and joined them. After the destruction of the Star Fork, she went to a flying ball of rock and there she trained a zombie, a clown and Darth Dollars. Rumors say that she was a crossbreed between a zabrak and a twi'lek.

seckz?

See Also

• Sith
• Yoda
• Jewbacca
• Teletubbies
• Mossad
• Israel