Jesus (RPG)
| Jesus RPG | |
|---|---|
 WWJD?NYD
The cover art of Jesus RPG | |
| Developer(s) | Sierra online |
| Release date | 1984 |
| Genre | Parser |
| Platform(s) | Old computers |
| Rating | B for Blasphemous |
| Would Timmy Turner play it? | Ask me if I care! |
“Yeah, I nailed that son of a bitch.”
The Jesus RPG is a parser game released in 1985, developed and released by Sierra on-line. The game was written by the Christian gaming association. The ESRB rated it E for everyone. It was developed for MS-DOS, Atari 5200 and the Commodore 64. It was later illegally ported to the Nintendo Entertainment System, Famicom and two arcade stores.
Plot[edit | edit source]
In Jesus RPG, you take the role of Jesus, starting out several years before his crucification. You go around trying to convert people, while dodging Romans and angry Jews. You pick up several useful items along the way, such as crosses and Bible.
Every time you convert a person, you gain 50XP, unless it is an important person, in which case you get 100XP. Evey 1000XP gets you a new level, which gives you one more point in every stat category. (those being speed, conversion, strength, defense, and wisdom).
After you get crucified, you go to heaven and do various tasks. Some of them have to do with what goes on in earth, such things as answering prayers, punishing sinners, and seeing that your new religion doesn't get squashed by others.
Bosses[edit | edit source]
Jesus RPG had many bosses throughout the game, used to signify the the end of a major area of the game.
Danny the Druid Pagan: A hard to convert atheist living in a small village you visit. When you convert him, he gives you a map to Jerusalem, allowing you to advance to level two.
Spartacus Jr.: A roman general who has been ordered to silence you. In order to beat him, you must make him feel love for his fellow man, so that he stops pursuing you. He is considered the most difficult boss in the game because of his double nunchuck attack.
Mahtza Man: A very angry Jew that wants to show you a blasphemer. To win you must beat him in a dance-off. On higher difficulty settings, Mahtza Man will attempt to distract the player by dancing naked.
Liquid Snake: Due to cross over programming by one of the lead developers of Jesus RPG, large portions of the code from the original Metal Gear Solid game can be found in the game. While completely optional, the player may choose to fight Liquid during the Hell side quest, even though no rewards are given. Fortuanetly, Liquid is still a pansy and requires no skill to defeat.
Ben-Hur: Ben-Hur will challenge Jesus to a chariot race. In the Chariot Race Mini-Game, Jesus must race down a crowded Roman street, while attacking Ben-Hur and simultaneously avoiding Lepers. Some of the lepers cast an eye in Jesus' direction -- literally! Avoid their attacks! Victory over Ben-hur grants the player the ability to fast-travel to any location in the game, provided they wait through the intermission.
Judas: Judas tries to trick the player into letting him kiss him. If Judas is successful, the Roman air force will carpetbomb the area Jesus is currently in. Judas is vulnerable to potato grenades and self-damnation.
Innovative Design[edit | edit source]
The game was innovative due to a FPS like controller at some points, where you aim you mouse at what you want to zap with lightning. You also have to deal with people inside of heaven, like angry angels, angry sinners, angry Jews, etc. As king of heaven, it is your responsibility to bust up drug gangs, and collect taxes.
Marketing and response[edit | edit source]
The game was published with the slogan "What would Jesus do? Now, YOU decide". Despite a marketing campaign of 30 million, however, it seemed that the general public was not interested in a religious video game.
Game Informer called the Game "Pure Blasphemy" whilst PC Gamer called the game "innovative and informative, the best game of the year!" in their review. The Protestant said "there is no better way to teach a good religion" and bought half of all the sold copies to distribute out to churches around the world. Catholics, however, agreed with Game Informer, in that the game was blasphemous.
Together, they started a crusade against software engineers. Now, the only place the game can be bought is at lonely church garage sales. Many gamers into retro games still play.
Jesus RPG 2[edit | edit source]
note: the following is about an upcoming or unreleased video game
At some point in the Early 90s, the Protestant Church attempted to re-release Jesus RPG as Jesus RPG 2, in hopes of acquiring more fans with its newly implemented state of the art graphics and totally kick @$$ gameplay. Some differences included the addition of a point and click interface as opposed to Parser. However, the then ongoing crusade against computer programmers that the first Jesus RPG had created made it impossible to Beta test, thus unreleasable. People can, however, download it illegally Here. God admits to be split over the issue of whether it should be released. Now, more than 10 years later, the debate has finally been settled. God and Jesus came up with their verdict that, Protestants will be allowed to make and sell Jesus RPG 2, Just so long as they update it from its earlier version. (the reasoning behind them up[dating it is that Jesus claims to have lost weight since the model of him was made.) However, to be fair to the Catholics, it would count as a venial Sin for anyone who played it. Like all good compromises both sides left angry. Jesus RPG 2 went back into production, and is said to be released sometime in the foreseeable future.
