James Earl Jones
“yo what up JJ-Vaduh”
“You Hack you ruined my life!! YOU BASTARD!!!”
“He's James Earl Jones, bitch!”
“I am your father”
James Earl "JJ-Vaduh" Jones (born January 17th, 1931) was a famous Actor of stage and film. He was also well known for his work on the Laugh track.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Jamer Earl Jones (A.K.A Darth Vader) was born in Afghanistan to Ruth Williams and Robert Earl Jones, both of whom left the family. He was raised by his alien/cyborg grandparents and moved to their orbiting space station when he was five. The adoption was traumatic for him, and he developed a stutter. He also developed a complex in which he believed he could telekenetically strangle people and would often say "You have failed me for the last time, Timmy." to his childhood friend, who is only known as "Timmy" to this date. Beyond this, he was virtually mute until high school.
In high school, one of his teachers discovered he had a gift for writing poetry and forced him to read a poem every day. This eventually helped him develop his speaking skills, and his urges to throttle people began to subside.
“I was a stutterer. I couldn't talk. So my first year of school was my first year of strangling, and then those strangling years continued until I got to high school.”
Jones would eventually enroll in and graudate from the University of Betelgeuse. In the late 1860s, he was an Army Officer in Alaska. It was during this time he first encountered the Laugh track and narrowly survived until he was killed by Chuck Norris, and then he was reincarnated in the present black version of James Earl Jones, using the power discovered in an 80 year old bottle of Coca-Cola.
Career[edit | edit source]
Jones was most famous for his work as Darth Vader in the 35-part film series Star Wars. Although he did not physically play Vader, he did provide the voice. In a recent interview, Jones revealed his motive behind playing Vader.
“As you know, when I was young, I used to try and telekintically strangle people; it never worked too well, though I did once give someone a sore throat. In Vader, I saw a part of myself - and so, taking that rare opportunity, I took on the role. Plus, I hated Prowse and wanted to undermine him at every single point in his career.”
Among the many dozens of films in which he appeared, he was famous for lending his voice talents as Mumia in The Lion King and as the Emperor of the Earl Grey in Pinocchio. He was famous for a recurring role he had on The Simpsons as Apu's wisecracking friend The Great White Pope.
The Laugh track and United Nations Involvement[edit | edit source]
James Earl Jones was the head researcher on the L.T.D.P (Laugh Track Domestication Project). He helped develop a viewer-friendly Laugh track, thanks to funding from the United Nations. However, in exchange for the funding, Jones had to become the voice of the UN. As a result, between 1975 and 1980 he was a wanted criminal. After his five year contract expired however, UN leader (at the time) Kurt Waldheim agreed to clear his record.
Life as God[edit | edit source]
In the beginning, there was nothing, just James Earl Jones and J. K. Rowling floating in that dark abyss that we call space. Eventually James got bored of just floating there so he decided that he was an all-powerful deity. But Rowling wanted power too. She assumed the title of deity as well and there was a tremendous battle. Because he had had more time to practice his power, James Earl Jones was the victor and he banished Rowling to the future, where she was forgotten.
Eventually, after floating in space for a REALLY long time James got bored again. This led him to the creation of a human, he named it Luke Skywalker.
After he created the human, he got to thinking, “what if the human got bored in space?” Therefore, he created a ball of rocks and dirt floating in space. At first, he called it Fred but that didn’t sound right so he ended up calling it Earth. Unfortunately, when he was finished he noticed that the human was dead. He created a new one and put it on the ball of rocks: it died too. At this point, he realized that he should probably make something for his creations to breathe, so he made air.
He created a third human and put it on the ball of rocks. This human lived. James spent several days just watching the human amble around, then, suddenly, the human collapsed; it died a day later. James then spent some time floating around wondering why his humans all died. Then he realized, he was an all-powerful deity and didn’t have to think about it, the answers were just supposed to come to him. And so, with this realization came the knowledge that the humans needed something to eat.
With this knowledge, James Earl Jones created the cow. Unfortunately, the cow died after a week and James realized that he had forgotten to give the cow something to eat. Thus came the creation of grass. Finally, James was ready to create the fourth human, which he placed on the ball of rocks and dirt. This human lived for several days then it went to kill the cow and promptly got stomped flat.
When he was finished laughing, James created both the Remington 12 Gauge and the female cow. Then he realized that if you need two cows for there to be lots you need two humans. So he created Luke Skywalker V and a female, these two humans lived happily for a few weeks until the grass started dying and the cows grew sick.
James Earl Jones realized that the grass needed rain to survive so he made it start raining. It was also at this point that he realized that he hadn’t slept for almost a month. Needless to say, he promptly fell asleep. When he woke, the water level was almost above the mountaintops and the two humans, two cows and two blades of grass were all in a little boat made of rocks on the top of the highest mountain. When the water level went over the top of the mountain, the boat sank like a rock because it was a rock. James promptly scooped up his creations and put them in a cruise ship. After a few stops at Hawaii and Tahiti, James realized that he was going to have to have a little more land and that the only way to get more land would be to get rid of the water. So he set off the first and biggest atomic bomb in history. The bomb made most of the water evaporate and is the reason we have such diverse life forms today. After all this James went back to sleep.
When he woke up it was thousands of years later and two mighty civilizations were facing off. One was a gigantic nation of people who liked to go fast called “Rushin’s” and the other was an industrialized nation called “Amakeacar” or something like that. James pondered the reasons for this war and decided that the whole reason for it was that people were bored. In the dark of the night, he crept down to earth and started to discuss a plan to stop it all with a young, inventive man named George Lucas. Thus, the Star Wars enterprise was born and all the wars ended.
So the world lived in peace for many years little knowing that in a small English village evil was brewing. That evil came under the name of J. K. Rowling. J. K. Rowling, in her diabolical lair came up with an idea almost evil enough to combat the good that is Star Wars. So James Earl Jones came once again to George Lucas and told him to create a new set of Star Wars films to combat the Harry Potter enterprise.
For several years, they went head to head, each one coming out with a movie every year. J. K. Rowling realized that she didn’t stand a chance against the power that is James Earl Jones so she created a Un-Creativity beam and shot George Lucas during the premiere of Star Wars Episode 1, reducing him to spitting out crappy Episodes 2 and 3. With this, he could no longer create Star Wars and J. K. Rowling was free to rule the earth with a SEVEN part series.
In this time, that J. K. Rowling had the upper hand Geeorge Dubyah Booosh was elected not once, but twice, a war started in the Middle East, and Amakeacar was plunged eighteen brazzilion dollars into debt. This is how the world came to be as it is today. If this course continues, there will be direct interference from James Earl Jones. He and J. K. Rowling will face off in a cataclysmic battle for control of the universe. At this point, there will be mutual destruction of these entities and humanity will be all on it own.
James: The Other White Meat[edit | edit source]
James Earl Jones and James Spaneglish are not the same people. While they may both have deep, baritone voices, James Spaneglish was the original Ringbearer, but was found not to be enough of a hobbit. Frodo was chosen instead. Which is why we now refer to Spaneglish as an epic fail. In later versions of the Bible James Spaneglish is founded to be the next prophet so it was god's choice to replace James with Frodo forever labeling him as an epic fail to save all of humanity...
Urban Kayaking[edit | edit source]
James was also famous for the invention of this Olympic sport, he was sitting in taco bell one day when he made the model of his uture Kayak on wheels out his trash from dinner. James will forever be remembered for the greatness of his discovery.