Indestructible Parachuting Spiders
“Is it a bird?”
Early Revelation[edit | edit source]
Once considered a myth conceived by an eccentric traveling bottlecap salesman on his way to the local crack house, the mysteries behind the existence of these invincible air-groping arachnids were recently revealed to be the biggest discovery since Frankensteins' first archive solo album "Dancing With *Urgh*".
So, they do actually exist. Science FACT, bozos. Yeah that's right, I'm talkin about you, Geoff - Sitting there up in your little fairy world of pixies saying "Ooooooh! Look at me! I'm Mr. I-don't-believe-in-nee-fuckin-indestructible-parachutin-spi-DAZ!".... prick....
After their discovery on a moonlit redneck farm in Ahreckon, Alabama, USA in October 1976, many people wondered where on Gods' senseless Earth (capital letters for R-E-S-P-E-C-T) these freaky little bastards had crawled in a hasty fashion from. Loosely translated, the owner of the Alabama farm gave a revealing and graphic account of his horrific ordeal with the 8-legged invincible little shits:
"Weh ah don gone see th' critters a-jumpin' 'long raht urp ma dorwaiy. Ah aint ne'er don seen an'thin' lahk it. It wer' lahk ay rivar uv whaaht fabric an' string jurmbled urp wi' small fraygments of shinay blaack sturf whurt you don call...uh...s..s..spahdurz."
We could only nod our heads and smile blankly... until he produced some C4 and said:
"Gert th' fuck orf mah laynd"
The Aftermath[edit | edit source]
The incredible phenomenon of the Indestructible Parachuting Spiders had swept the immediate square kilometer like a fanny rash. Rumours were circulating that Geoff, the local barber was a necrophiliac but more importantly, that the airborne spiders were from the beautiful lump of red shit in the sky... you know... what was it called..... Richard Nixon build a steak-house there....uh... Mars, thats it. Anyhow, this rumour was quickly beaten royally and quickly to the ground when it was determined that the Indestructible Parachuting Spiders would have died instantly in the large, seemingly mind-boggling, teenage suicide-inducing vacuum of space.
This triggered a major search operation in the close vicinity. The authorities planted a collection of video cameras around the farm and carefully skewed them out of focus so as to ensure MAXIMUM local interest when it came to playing back the tapes. The revenue that the Alabama farm received from the traveling spectators meant a huge boost to the community when the local clergy came round and demanded a "fair share of the spoils", (The clergy later confessed that "money was the root of all evil" and had to "cleanse the bastards before it was too late" after a tense moment in an impromptu press conference later that month).
And so the spiders remain ridin' the wind. But it is said that, on clear night, when the moon is full, everyone is deeply asleep and have been locked in their rooms with their windows bolted shut, glass is blacked out and curtains drawn then nailed to the wall at the sides, you can see the Indestructible Parachuting Spiders' launch plane gliding believably overhead, releasing a river of arachnids with one thing in mind: "... ... ..."
Indestructibility[edit | edit source]
As much of a pain it is to spell, the science behind the amazing ability of these curiously off-pissing spiders is actually fairly straight forward.
If There Was An Equasion To Fill This Space Relevantly, It Would Look Like This...[edit | edit source]
This is also quite simple really... Here let me just explain... GAH! *makes a break for it*
Known Connections Between the Indestructible Parachuting Spiders and Whipped cream[edit | edit source]
- Both are not very nice when swallowed, except if you are a retard
- They both have an interest in playing the Bass guitar
- They are both wanted by two communist governments
- Both featured once with a cameo role on a x-rated DVD, starring Barbara Streisand
- Can be shouted out loud during any board meeting to ensure you leave sooner than the rest
Interesting Quotes[edit | edit source]
“The theivin' bastards...”
“I wonder what happens if I touch one...”
“Gert th' fuck orf mah laynd”
“I said FUCK OFF!”