In the old days...
As you step in to the foyer of The Old Peoples home and the rank smell of unwashed pajamas and dried urine hits your nostrils with a force usually associated with oxen and Spanish folk festivals. Being the refined young gentleman/lady that you are this severely discomforts you. But in your heart of hearts you know that lumps of mashed potato on the chair and the sweltering heat of the boiler combined with the stench are the least of your worries. Doing your duty as a good grandson/daughter (as applicable) includes one of your Grandmother and her friends stories...
Hello Lovie[edit | edit source]
'ello lovie how are you? It's been a long time since you visited your old gran. Come 'ere give us a kiss. Oh i'm fine dearie, how are you? Good, good, you know Gladys dont you? No? well come over here and say hello. Me and Gladys grew up in the same street you know. Though it probably looks a bit different today. Good Lord, I remember when i was young, growin' up in this town. Of course that was before your Tex-Mex and iBoards. What did you say love? You want us to tell you about it (dear christ NO!).
Well of course...[edit | edit source]
Well of course it was all different back then, this town 'as changed ever so much! And not just when the Welsh pillaged and burned it in 1981 (oh bugger, oh bugger not that dreary tale!). But that's another story of course. When we were young there used to be hundreds of bingo halls and bowling alleys, now it's all sodding theatres and Opera Houses, thats something I'll never forgive the younger generation as long as i live! Aint that right Gladys? (Gladys grunts). When we were young there was an ASDA on every corner, now all we've got are these picturesque corner shops and bistros!
And the immigrants![edit | edit source]
And the immigrants! Where are they these days?! We had literally thousands in my young day. The disgusting smell of foreign food has completely disappeared now days...I mean love, who do you verbally abuse when the strain gets to much? The streets in our area used to overflow with kebab wrappers and vomit after Friday night, now who's getting out there and getting offensively drunk? All the younger generation seem to do is hang around librarys! I mean Gladys and me could hardly move for sexualised violence back in our day, the closest we get now is the young men who carry our bags after we've been shoppin'! Aint that right Gladys (Gladys nods slowly, you die slightly on the inside...)
And the times we had...[edit | edit source]
And the times we had, all that fun and music. I don't know what you young ones are into, but all i hear today is this bleedin' Brahms and Vivaldi flowing soothingly from your hybrid cars. We had abusive and aggressive hip-hop and speed garage-
"She's demented
I ain't never gonna get myself
In another mix up
With a psycho bitch
Millimeter
With a master plan
So you won't be off in a ditch"
Oh yes we had all that...none of these concertos and jazz combos you listen to!
The old atomic waste centre...[edit | edit source]
Oh and Gladys do you remember the old atomic waste centre? (Gladys looks up with her literally glowing features) Of course you do deary, of course. Well we had all sorts of amusing children back then. These days you have to trawl the streets for REALLY amusing physical deformities. Oh yes and i nearly forgot the sexualised violence! (No you didn't) What? Did I already tell you, oh how time flies! So you have to get back to work? Where do you work darlin' I always forget...the university? Oh well, when i was young everyone worked down the mine or at the concentration camp, but i suppose I can't stop you working at that awful university. Have a nice afternoon ducky! (You too you old hag...)
Back then...[edit | edit source]
Back in the old days, we had to walk 15,000 miles to school, uphills both ways, in a snowstorm, through them negros' ghetto neighborhood, Nazi Germany, and past the crazy Chink's grocery store, just to get to school. There was only one school in the entire state. And we had sticks for pencils and a rock to write on. And we had to share the rock. And our teacher made us do calculus in kindergarten. so stop complaining about driving your newfangled iPhone to school while talking on your expensive Nike Tellular Phone and wearing your fancy Convertible shoes. Besides, I sat next to Alex Bell in the third grade. I gave him the idea to make them damned phone things. I Invented Them! Not Him! Crazy Brit taking everyones ideas. ( Grandpa, shutup and take your crazy medicine)
FREEDOM[edit | edit source]
As you breath in the fresh, clean and unpolluted air outside the lair of the ancients you chuckle as you long for the day when you to can regail your unlucky relations with such tedious tales, but for now you must be satisfied with beating your children.