I'm a Bad Driver

Okay, look.

It's confession time again.

Last time didn't go so well. I get it. It was wrong of me to apologize for borrowing your Fleshlight in front of your girlfriend's parents, okay? And I promise I'm not intoxicated this time. Well, not in the booze kinda way. It's just that I'm a bad driver.

So I crashed your car

Your car. My bad.

Yep, I freely admit it. I crashed your car. Into a moose. In New Hampshire.

Woah, not like that. See, it was more of a dent. A big dent. A big dent full of assorted brains and guts. Nothing a little elbow grease won't wash out! Well, err, that, and a new engine and transmission. But the windshield! That's free! At least you won't have to pay for a new windshield!

What are you looking at me like that for? I mean, everyone crashes their buddies' car once in a while. It happens. Oh, and, I know I didn't ask you if I could borrow it. I kind of assumed, you know, us being roommates and all. And maybe because mine is impounded. Come on, I would have done the same for you. Remember that one time you borrowed my Shampoo? You did kinda owe me for that one.

Oh, you want me to pay for the damage? Wait, wait, no no no. You've got me all wrong. I'm getting to that.

It wasn't my fault

Of course it wasn't! I mean, come on. What the fuck was that moose doing all alone in the road? Was he suicidal, maybe? It doesn't really matter. The moose's insurance will pay for it, right? If not, I think that responsibility goes to the drunk broad in the passenger seat sucking my dick. She was distracting me, and she was distracting me while drunk! Total violation of road rules.

I sure wasn't distracting drunk. You see, I was driving drunk. Much less severe. I was also much less drunk than she was. See? It all works out. I'm in the clear here.

The police may be looking for you

Umm, yeah. The police. Not the punk rock band though. Haha. Hahaha. Ha, funny. Uh, gimme five?

I think they might know your license plate number, and your name. I think that because I'm pretty sure I saw your face on the TV. Your face next to a bounty of $5000 and a pair of handcuffs. Who would have thought a moose was that important? It must have been a Moose Diplomat or Moose Ambassador, or something, right? I wasn't under the impression that killing animals accidentally constitutes any sort of crime, other than maybe littering. Maybe it was because it was a hit-and-run? Did I forget to exchange insurance information? I don't really know. Or maybe it was because...

I hit a little boy a few days ago

Right. In your car, no less. That could be it. But he was in the middle of the street, trying to pick up his soccer ball. I'm really doubting anyone cared. It's just good old natural selection. Animals who aren't fit enough are either killed or left to die, why should humans be any different? If I didn't do it, he was just going to be a burden to society. I'm probably a hero. And what was I supposed to do, slow down? No way, I couldn't be late to that kick-ass party. In my opinion, if that kid couldn't remember to look both ways, he deserved it. There's no way they will come after you for that.

Actually, forget what I said earlier. The little boy I ran over is almost certainly the reason you are wanted by the police. Still, that's irrelevant now. What is relevant is how much you owe me.

Oh yeah, I hired a Mexican cartel to smuggle you out of the country

Obviously, I can't take responsibility for this. I'm a good person. Really! I just make mistakes from time to time. Hey, as long as they think it was you who did all this, I'm all set. And you really are a bad person. Remember when you stole my deodorant? Asshole.

One last thing. These cartel guys aren't cheap. You owe me $16,500. Cash, check or credit are fine, but definitely not American Express, so don't fucking ask. And I need it soon. One week maximum, okay? I'm doing you a favor here. You should be thanking me.