How To:Write a Country Song

“Well I was headed home on 65

Somewhere around Kentucky/ The CB rang for a bobtail rig That's rollin' on like thunder/ Well I answered him and he asked me Aren't you from out in Tulsa/ No, but you might have seen me there

I just dropped a load of salsa”

~ Alan Jackson on the importance of verses that rhyme

“Chorus:

But I was already gone/ I was already gone/ I was already gone/ I was already gone/

I was already gone (Repeat)”

~ Sugarland on the need to repeat your country song title incessantly

“Somewhere inside of me/There was something she took a liking to/Well, I ask her to marry me/She said she really wanted to”

~ Kenny Chesney on the "sappy" genre of country

How'd ya like them there country songs? Ain't them purty? Say what? You wanna write yerself a country song? Well, son, yer in luck. I am one of the few men alive who know that intrical step-by-step process type thang. Lemme tell you, that country is an old and respectabinal type-a thing, so you gotta do it right, y'hear? Here, I'll walk you right through it, right now. First, you gotta go to a bar. Now, that's not step one, 'cuz if you want to write country, yer already at a bar. All right, now let's start that list.

"Howdy folks - here's a lil' song mah grandaddy wrote about the undeniable superiority of the American way of life. It's called Blue Jeans and Pick-Up Trucks an' I want y'all to sing along..." Yes - you too can be like this.

Drink some beer.

This here helps the creativity process that yer gonna be needing here shortly. Come to think of it, maybe that should have been taken fer granted too. What the heck, I've already started. Uh, what next? Right, the title.

Writing yer title

Don't write the song first, y'all write the song about the title. Now, this is important, so listen up, sonny. The title always has to be a clishay-type-a thing. You know what I'm saying 'bout them chishays? Like, "Where I Come From", or "I Was Already Gone", or "Down the Road". There is no country song title that is not a clishay. Okay? There isn't. Pass me a beer. Now, the title kinda comes at you when you don't expect it, so you gotta be on the alert. Take that feller next to you. What did he just say? "It's 5 o'clock somewhere?" That's a terrific title. Wait, no, it's taken. Ah, you'll find one. Let me know when you do. I'll be chattin' up that lady over there.

Choose a johnruh

You got one? That's some quick work, partner. Ah didn't even have time to marry her. Okay, now that you gotta title, you gotta decide whether it's cheesy, rowdy, or sappy. These are the three main john-ruhs of country. The way you tell 'em apart is this. If the song is cheesy, the listening folks all drink beer and sing along. If it's more the rowdy type, they'll probably drink beer and party. Then the sappy ones make 'em drink beer and make out with their cousins. It's an important decision, so choose your song type wisely. You can even do all three, 'cuz you can make out and party at the same time. And any backwoods inbred can sing along. Yeah, and beer's a constant. Yer pretty quick, son.

Invest in a truck like this at the first opportunity. It's the ideal vehicle for carrying all your stage equipment to gigs/costumes and lynchin' rope to Klan meetings.

Writing yer chorus

Get out yer guitar. What, you don't have a guitar? Here, take mine. Okay, kinda twang the guitar for a while, and mumble some words to go along with the title. You wanna say the same thing over and over again, so the good folks know what you're talking about. Just keep twanging and mumbling until you like the sound of it.

Yep. Yep.

That's yer chorus.

Writing them verses

They can be totally random and not making much of the sense, but just make sure they lead up to the chorus. For example, if you're singing about your dying pa, and you don't know what to do next, just make him sing the chorus in the song. Your audience won't care. They won't care if the verses rhyme, either. Of course, if you want them singing along, it's better to rhyme so it's easier to memorize, but frankly, it's a lot easier to just talk in a musical fashion. They'll memorize it soon enough. Anyway, by this point, you're probably drunk from all the beers, so you should head on home. Drive safe.

The next day

Good morning, pardner! Let's get back to it.Today, yer gonna test out your song on the people in the bar. Go ahead. If they drink beer, party, drink beer, sing along, make out with their cousins, or drink beer, that there's a right fine country song. If they start discussing Fermet's last theorem, well... you should work on it some more.

Alright, try it out.

Say,that tweren't bad! How long you been practicing that guitar? Really? Well, yer better than me.

Remember, they're drunk

Don't ferget to repeat the chorus a bunch of times at the end so yer inebriated audience remembers the name of the song. You'll notice that they weren't singing along at all the first time you played. Any good country song you can sing along the first time. Try it again, they won't mind.

Keep going.

Watch it, yer fingers are bleeding on my guitar.

All right, that's good enough.

Use this image on the cover of every record you ever release.

Start a band

Get some of yer buddies to help out with the musikiell acompanyments. Good instruments that y'all want in yer country band are guitar, bass guitar, six-string guitar, metal guitar, twangy guitar, and banjo.

You say you don't know anyone 'round these parts? Heck, I'm related to all of 'em. Hey Wade! Billy! Ford! Do me a favor and play along with this kind person. I'll buy you all a drink. I'll leave y'all alone for a few, that's Trixiebell over in the corner.

Practice (drinking)

What, everyonesh drunk?? Awright, wait until shtommorow and try it agin. Practice in the bar every day until you and all of your friendsh are drunk. Wait until tomorrow and repeat. You're ready when all of y'all shtart and shtop at the same time. Now leave me alone. *urp*

Public boardcasting

Hey, yer ready! That them there is a right fine country band, son, and a right fine country song, too! Y'all will make America proud. Last one. Record yer song and start broadcasting it on those radio-dish-wave-station-things. That way, everyone can hear you play, and you don't have to take a break from drinking beer. Next one's on you, right?

See Also

• Country music
• Johnny Cash
• Dolly Parton
• Incest