HowTo:Survive Parent Conferences:Student Edition

This page in a nutshell: You will not survive.

So, we all know what you're here for. You're here because:

• You've committed unholy things, several war crimes, or one of the Seven Deadly Sins.
• You decided to be that lazy ass in the back of the class, even though your behavior is perfectly fine, although your teacher can't really seem to tell.
• Your teacher is a fucking Karen and decided to call your parents for a "talk," hoping you would change your ways which let's face it: You never will.

Never fear, fellow uncyclopedians! This guide is made to tell you how to survive these conferences from hell, and what to do before, and after this piece-of-shit conference that you will go through.

Preparation

Should for some reason your conference be literally be scheduled for today when the notice, phone call, or whatever fucking method your yee yee ass teacher uses to send their invitation, skip the "Preparation section."

1. Practice.

Despite you having zero survival chances, you must prepare to lose knowing your secrets and your lies will be all gone with the truth the teacher gives out while your parents smoke weed despite the school rules telling others not to. You are to remain calm, crying will only attract attention to yourself and the other students will laugh at you even though they have failing grades or they were invited otherwise. Don't cry, don't yell at the teacher to cope with your loss, just act emotionless.

2. Prepare your funeral before the conference.

I recommend this casket as your final resting place.

You may need to prepare your funeral ahead of time as you will not survive, nor will you live to tell the tale. Nobody (besides your friends, if you have any) will attend your funeral, and you'll be a disgrace of your bloodline for generations to come.

3. Continue what you were doing as if an invitation was never sent.

Act like you don't care. Just continue your bullshit routines.

During the conference

Remember, this is inevitable. You can't really skip this section.

1. Calm yourself.

You won't survive, but you can control how you won't survive. Either you die an emotionless man, with no shame in your actions, or you die a sad man, regretting everything you have ever done with such shame meaning the teacher wins this war.

Your suffering post-conference will last for some time.

2. Lie.

As a student, the parent, and the teacher, will have the ability to talk to each other, asking you questions. You, on the other hand, have no free speech. The first amendment, if you even live in the United States, is invalid. You cannot object to such arguments, as the conference's system of justice is "Guilty until death." Your guilt can never be disproven unless you have God on your side, which you're incredibly lucky if you do. But even so, your freedom of speech will only be limited to questions.

One question, for example, The teacher asks the student "Will you promise to finish both your current and late homework?" Like all teachers, they expect the student to answer "Yes," as they believe it is the student's moral obligation to both say yes and to actually do it. The student has the ability to answer no and can say no. However, their parents, and the teacher, are there to correct the student with or without consent, with or without verbal violence, and the parents having both verbal and physical violence as an option. The student, avoiding such violence, answers "Yes." Both the parents if they're naive enough to believe the response the student provided, and the teacher, are satisfied with the student's response and they thus move onto the second question. However, the parents and teacher don't question if there is enough evidence to support the student's response.

Use your common sense. Give responses that common sense defines to be a good response, but don't actually perform the actions needed to fulfill your non-existent promises. This may not be a valid option according to you, but is the only real valid option that doesn't cause any chaos and doesn't make your suffering worse than it already is.

3. Watch the confercence unwrap itself.

Continue your current options; Lie, and be calm as possible without breaking down. You are to watch everything that unfolds because that's all you can really do. Good, if you're extremely lucky or bad events might happen. Some of these events might be:

• Event 1: Your parents will either be in two states of emotion: being extremely angry, or extremely depressed. Which state of emotion will vary on your actions on them during the school year.
• Event 2: Your teacher, thus attempting their very hardest to shame you and expecting you to break down. Your state of sensitivity, whether desensitized or sensitive, may or may not cause your teacher to succeed.
• Event 3: This event may go after event 1, or before it. In this event, your parents are taking out their emotions verbally on your teacher. You are to assume your parents are really in a state of denial.
• Event 4: Your parents decide it is acceptable to take it to the next stage and take their emotions on you physically. If you decide to fight back in a 2v1, it might not end well depending on your strength and theirs. Your teacher might stop this physical violence.
• Event 5: Your parents decide to cut the conference short and decide to physically beat you at home.

Post Conference

If you've made it through the conferences, congratulations you fucking idiot, because you're fucked, meaning you will not survive. And I mean it. You will suffer until the End of Time, but since Time has no end, that means you're going to suffer eternally, mentally, and physically.

Side Note: Unless you have to attend the conference, don't attend it, as your parents will do the job for you.

1. Have a mental breakdown that has no end.

At this point, having mental breakdowns are pointless, for you will actually die. I hope you're prepared for the consequences of your faggotry because they will not be forgiven.

2. Prepare yourself for the consequences.

The grave your parents will dance on harder than they can get fucking stoned.

Depending on what faggotry you committed that you tried to cease but failed, you will die a painful death, a quick one, or not die at all. Remember, for just pennies a day, you can stop this madness by NOT COMMITTING THIS FAGGOTRY AGAIN.

3. Go on a fucking murder spree because you have nothing to lose.

The article is, well. Self-explanatory. Murder everyone, you see in your sight. And I mean, everyone.