HowTo:Spay or Neuter Your Own Pet

Neither Uncyclopedia nor the original author of this article condone cruelty to animals.

(Kermit, Ms. Piggy, and that Swedish Guy however, are fair game.)

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“Remember folks, help control the pet population by having your pets spayed or neutered.”

~ Bob Barker on Controlling the Pet Population

Spaying or neutering your cat/dog is one of the best things you as a pet owner can do to control the excess pet population. Although very humanitarian, however, it is also very expensive and requires that you drive your pet to a trained veterinarian. For those of us who are low on time and money, the quickest and simplest way to spay/neuter your pet is to turn it into a "do-it-yourself" project. If given the right instructions, ANYONE can spay or neuter their own cat or dog!

Even this idiot can spay or neuter his pet!

What do "spay" and "neuter" mean?

Before: Kinky as can be!

Spaying is like a historectomy, but more barbaric. An incision is made just below the lateral supinatory line roughly two inches distally. Then a trained animal professional cuts out the baby making parts, and sews 'er back up. The ovaries and 'felopian whatevers' are removed along with some other garbage. It's not exactly rocket science.

Neutering, on the other hand, is done to a male dog or cat. An incision is made on the scrotum and the testicles are removed with an item similar to a melon scraper. The scrotum is then stitched up and then your pet feels really depressed for the next several weeks.

Why should you do it yourself?

After: Ready for apartment life.

Their are several key reasons why it is best to spay/neuter you pet yourself, namely:

• The operation is performed by a trained veterinarian. (Lots of money.)
• The operation is performed while the pet is under anesthesia. (Even more money.)
• Depending on your pet's age, size, and health, he or she will stay at your veterinarian's office for a few hours or a few days. (Waste of time and more money.)
• Depending upon the procedure, your pet may need stitches removed after a few days. (What a hassle!)
• Your veterinarian can fully explain spay and neuter procedures to you and discuss with you the best age at which to sterilize your pet. (Talking is overated.)

All of that mess, just for a routine procedure that veterinarians do all the time!

Let's get going!

Alright grab your pet and your latex gloves, it's time to get cutting!

What You'll Need

This is a fine set of tools!

• Some type of cutting device. A scalpel would be ideal, but can be substituted with a kitchen blade or Exact-o Knife.
• Chloroform, ether, gasoline, or anything else that will make your pet really sleepy.
• Elevated surface to work on, such as the kitchen table or your bed. This is for your convenience, not for your pet's.
• Latex gloves are a must. Rabies is not a fun disease! Or is it?
• Melon scraper, to remove the testicles. (Only applicable for male animals... hopefully)
• Old, rusty scissors that aren't used anymore. No sense in wasting a good set of scissors!
• Large needle and thread. This is when all that Thanksgiving turkey stiching comes in handy!

The First Few Steps

Okay, so you've gathered all of your materials. Now it's time to start the procedure! Remember, you're no Ph.D., so try and keep a cool head when following the intructions given.

The first step is to prep your operating area. Make sure you're ready to accept the high volume of blood that may or may not spill out of your pet's abdomen. Blood is 'icky', gross!

Jack Daniel's, nature's sterilizer!

After your area is prepped, you're going to want to sterilize your equipment. You can use rubbing alcohol or Jack Daniel's whiskey, depending on whether you want the bacteria to die or get drunk and pass out.

Make sure all your equipment is on a tray of some kind for easy access. Plus, the tray makes you look like you know what you're doing.

Now it's time for your homemade anesthesia. Use a rag covered in chloroform and hold it over your pet's nose until he/she's fast asleep. You can also substitute chloroform for ether, gasoline, or a big hammer.

Finally, you're going to want to flip your pet so it's laying on its back. It's easier to operate on your pet's underside when you can see it!

Neutering 101

So you're ready to remove your pet's testicles (if your pet has no testicles, then move on to Spaying 101).

First you are going to grab your cutting device and begin the incision right on the scrotum, just as this picture displays:

You should now be able to see the testicles (if you cannot, then move on to Spaying 101). Now, with your melon scraper, slowly dig underneath the testicles and then scoop them out. You may encounter lots of tubes and blood vessels connecting to the testes, but they won't be needed now that your pet has no testes. Tie off the vas deferens (don't want to get blood everywhere, do you?), then cut to remove the testicles.

Now that the testes are removed you can sew the scrotum back up and your dog should be good as new! As for the removed testicles, you can either throw them away or keep them in a jar to scare people!

Spaying 101

At the end, you may find creative uses for your pet's undesired parts. Haggis, anyone?

So you're ready to remove your pet's ovaries (if your pet has no ovaries, go back to Neutering 101). This procedure is a tad more complicated than neutering, but the basic principle of removing the baby making parts still remains.

You're going to want to cut about where the uterus would be on your pet. You could probably guess and get it right to within a few inches. If you're wrong, it's no big deal.

After you've opened up your pet, you need to remove the ovaries. That's the whole point of the procedure! Shove your hand into the abdomen of your pet and feel around for the different parts. Take your scissors, and, with your other hand, cut just below where you feel a lumpy ball on either side of the uterus. This should be the ovary. Do the same thing for the ovary on the other side.

Now that that's done, feel your pet's heart to make sure she's still alive. If she is, then you are doing A-O.K.! Then, you're going to use your needle and thread to sew her back up. Hooray!

Clean-up/Disposal

If everything didn't go as planned (or maybe it did), simply place unwanted contents (ie:pet) into bag and place into dumpster. You also can do this to a human just don't use you real name say your a M.D. and charge them $22.000 Thousand dollars.