HowTo:Protect your data from hackers

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Everyone knows the internet is a dangerous place. Between identity thieves, perverts watching you through your webcam without tipping, the CIA's magical hacking spells, and Mark Zuckerberg tracking your location so he can harvest your organs, there seems to be no way to keep your data safe.

Thankfully, this simple-to-use guide and its five easy tips will ensure all of your electronic communications are 100% safe.

1. Disconnect suspicious wires[edit]

One of the most startling revelations from WikiLeaks a few years ago is that the CIA has secretly installed a wire in many homes and businesses which directly connects to a modem, router, or phone. With this single wire, the CIA can broadcast radio waves which can discreetly communicate with laptops and smartphones, giving the CIA and indeed millions of other computers and cell phones around the world access to all of your devices. Home phones are also vulnerable, as a secret wire makes it possible for someone on the other end of the line to listen to you while you talk.

Look for any wires which come out of your wall and immediately sever them with a pair of anti-hacking hardware known as "scissors."

Hold CTRL + X.

2. Use a firewall if you can't sandbox[edit]

The same radio chips which allow cell phones to make phone calls and send text messages can also be hacked with a spy tool called "3G" or "4G". This allows your cell phone to connect to nefarious hackers known as Verizon and AT&T, who will hold your data ransom in exchange for monthly payments.

Tablets, laptops, smart TVs, and virtually all other devices have a secret bugging device known as a "wireless card", which allows hackers to communicate with all of your devices through their advanced hacking technology known as "WiFi" (pronounced "wee-fee").

Other devices remain vulnerable. The CIA, for example, is able to hack blenders, microwaves, smoke alarms, fish tanks, ash trays, dildos, smart toilets, and analog toilets. Furthermore, the CIA's hacking abilities are so powerful that WikiLeaks itself has been hacked for the last five years and is now a honeypot run by CIA agent Julian Assange.

A good idea is to place all of your electronic devices into a large sandbox. The sand makes both the government hacking wizardry and your devices stop working, thereby securing all of your data.

If you cannot sandbox, then use what's called a "firewall" by immediately and forcefully disassembling all devices with a hammer.

Carefully disassemble the screen with a hammer.

Then install a program onto them known as "gasoline" (which can be conveniently acquired from your neighbor's car with a water hose). On laptops and computers, please log in as an Administrator, then plug a lit match into a USB port. On all other devices, plug the lit match into the charging port.

Installing the firewall will also remove the Yahoo! Toolbar.

3. Firewall your car[edit]

Vehicles are just as vulnerable thanks to RFID tags, satellite radio hacks, and a Russian botnet called "Bluetooth". Simply install a free piece of software called a "molotov cocktail" in your car and allow the firewall to install for at least 20 minutes. Please restart your car once the black cloud of smoke and noxious fumes have subsided in order to complete the installation.

Do not hit Escape until the installation is complete.

4. Avoid windows[edit]

According to leading experts, hackers commonly target windows. This is a problem because windows come standard in some homes. Nonetheless, two options are available. Windows can either be uninstalled by bricking them, or you can install a firewall.

A firewall being installed on a home infected with windows.

5. Use earlier versions[edit]

With your house, car, and all other hack targets firewalled, you should now only use the earliest stable version of everything, including your house. You are now completely safe from hackers and ethically dubious government surveillance.

The earliest stable version of Windowless Home.