HowTo:Go outside in the winter

“Going outside and not going outside are different.”

~ Captain Obvious on going outside

Going outside is hard. Believe me. I look like a ghost. 99.99997% of sunlight reflects off my skin, literally. And it is only harder to do so in winter. You could get frostbite or something! Do you really want to get frostbite? No? Okay then.

Safety wear

If you wear all of your snow gear, you'll end up just like this man. Working at a morgue full of half-frozen corpses.

Like I said, the outside in the winter is cold. Fucking cold. Seriously. My testees shrivel up and in just thinking about it. But there are many things you can do to stop such shrinking.

First, put on your snow boots.

First, try to put on your snow boots. The ones you got at the beginning of school because your mom saw they were on sale. You know, the ones you were thinking, "What the hell?!? I don't need snow boots! It's still summer! I'm going back to sleep. Don't wake me until noon." Yeah, those. Wait, those are your dancing shoes. Get your snow boots... Finally.

Now, put them on. Try harder. What the hell?!? You can't fit them on? Okay, just slide out the liners. Okay, now place liner the liner on left/right foot. Push. Push! Push harder you pussy! There. Now, just repeat that. Good. You now have your snow boots on.

Oh wait, you're not wearing snow pants... Crap... Take off your boots. Dammit! You tied a knot in them! How did you tie a fucking knot in snow boots!?!?! They aren't even suppose to have laces!

Okay. They're off.

Now, putting on snow pants

This person is ready to go outside. You're not.

Now, just put on your snow pants like you do your regular pants. Good! You did something right! Wait... Are wearing your regular pants underneath? No? Take off your fucking pants...

What the hell dude?!? Yuck! Why aren't you wearing boxers or something?!? Don't free ball when it is this cold outside! Disgusting. Put on your boxers and regular pants! Finally... Now, just slide into the snow pants, hiking pants all the way to upper hip. Yes. It's necessary. Reach up through the bottom of the leg and finish adjusting pants.

Now put on your snow boots.

You misplaced your boots?

You JUST had them. What the hell? Are you retarded?

Just go and put on four pairs of socks and your regular shoes. That should be good enough...

"My feet are getting hot and sweaty!"

I don't care. It's fucking snowing outside. You need all of this. It's a blizzard out there.

Now, put on your jacket. The one you are embarrassed to wear because it is plaid and really bulky. Yeah. The one your grandma got you. It's next to her hand-sewn sweater. Now, zip it up. Great. You got it caught on your shirt. Nice. Pull it some more. Don't unzip it! Just pull as hard as you can.

ZIIIIIIIPPP!

"Ow! I hit my chin, and the zipper knicked me! Fuck!!!"

Quit crying

Now get your gloves. I think they are in your sock drawer next to your undies. In the back. Yeah. Wait, not those. Get the ones your grandpa gave you. The ones he says he gave wore when he strangled that guy during the war. Can't find them? Let me look... Okay, here. Wear them.

"But they have mold!"

I don't care! Wear them dammit!

"Fine... But I'm not wearing the hat..."

Oh yes you are! Did you know there are people in the world you don't have hats?!? They get frostbite on their ears when it is winter. They'd love to have that hat! You are going to wear that hat!

"Um... I have to pee..."

It's... EVERYWHERE!!!

Dammit... Fine. Go and pee.

"I can't get my pants off."

What are you? Five?!?

"No! They just won't come... Oh shit..."

Dammit! Go and throw all your stuff in the washer. And clean this up. Then take a shower. You aren't going anywhere today...

"Hey, um... Does this mean I'll get to watch The Real World marathon?"

... Yes...

"Awesome!"