HowTo:Catch and Prepare a Lobster

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“LOBSTER STICKS TO MAGNET!!!”

~ Oscar Wilde on lobsters

Hello, common consumer! Do you enjoy long walks on the beach? Do you have a shameful magnet fetish? Have you ever wanted to prepare a succulent lobster dinner for that special some one?--pfft. How about a lobster dinner for one? *pause for response* Great!

Catching a Lobster[edit | edit source]

Materials for Catching a Lobster[edit | edit source]

  • Coastal region
  • Magnet
  • Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (optional)


1. Preparation[edit | edit source]

First, consumer, you must straighten out your priorities. Catching and preparing a lobster requires hours of labor, so make sure your previous appointments don't interfere. Here is an example of what your list of priorities should look like (descending in order of importance):

*pause to rearrange priorities* Wowee! /pats for consumer! Moving on--

2. Where to find a lobster[edit | edit source]

Hmm... now that's tricky. Let's put on our thinking caps and see where a lobster might live..*long pause for thinking*..on a beach! Near an ocean! Great! Now Americans know of two oceans: Pacific ocean and Atlantic ocean. But what ocean would be best for you? (If you're American, skip 2a. If you're not American, go directly to 2a.)

2a. You're not an American.[edit | edit source]

Be American. *pause* Great! Now let's go to the next step.

3. Let's find an ocean.[edit | edit source]

Based on where you live, please select an ocean.

Pacific Ocean[edit | edit source]

You don't want to go here for lobster! Bad consumer, bad!

Atlantic Ocean[edit | edit source]

The Atlantic Ocean is a great place to find lobster. Good job, consumer! But where exactly can we go?

4. Pick a coastal area[edit | edit source]

Here's a list of areas:

  • Wildwood, New Jersey

*pause to choose area* Excellent! Wildwood, New Jersey it is! (Don't live in New Jersey? You can get there on a series of planes, trains, and automobiles.) Do you know that New Jersey is a great place to wrangle lobsters? Of course you don't! What makes it a great place is that the part of the Atlantic Ocean near the Jersey coastline reflects New Jersey itself. *New Jersey...?* That's right! It's hell's waiting room. Though the mucky waters, the smog drifting in from New York City, and the often questionable floating carcass makes the Jersey shore inviting to the locals, the lobsters crawl away in desperate attempts to escape. This is where you, consumer, come in. Now before you go to Jersey, bring a horseshoe-shaped magnet from your collection, you'll need it later...for something different this time. *pause for getting magnet* Great! Let's continue.

5. Catching the Lobster[edit | edit source]

  • Now consumer, don't settle for any lobster. Make sure the one you choose to capture has dipped in the Atlantic Ocean. The abundant radioactive waste will make the lobster bi-polar. Nothing mental-- the lobster's head will have a positive charge and its tail will have a negative charge. A common way to figure out if a lobster is bi-polar is its birdlike beak.
  • The reason a lobster is magnetic is because it has ten legs: eight walking legs plus its two front claws. "Gam" is another word for "leg." (Look those facts up on a real encyclopedia if you don't believe me.) And if you spell "ten gam" backwards, you get "magnet." Therefore, since opposites attract, the lobster sticks to its reverse spelling, the magnet.

Wield the Magnet[edit | edit source]

See that beaked lobster in the sand dunes? Firmly grasp the magnet in the crook of the U and point it at the lobster.

*pause to catch lobster* Great job! Now go home via planes, trains, and automobiles. Public transportation won't be closed to you just because a beaked lobster is attached to your magnet. They understand that lobster wrangling is the only reason people visit Jersey.

LEFT CLAW NORTH

RIGHT CLAW SOUTH

Preparing a Lobster[edit | edit source]

Materials for Preparing Captured Lobster[edit | edit source]

1. Preparation[edit | edit source]

Wow! Great work! You're #1!

Warning! Handling a Beaked Lobster is Dangerous![edit | edit source]

  • These lobsters have antennae but don't grab them
  • Once a lobster is detached from the magnet, keep magnet out of lobster's reach.
    • If magnet is present, there is a chance the lobster can utilize it to repel itself across the room, jumping to your face to mercilessly claw your ear and bite your eye. !Ear and eye protection is recommended!

*Put on ear muffs and goggles...  :'( *

2. Subdue the lobster[edit | edit source]

Great job! Now remove the magnet from the lobster and place it out of the lobster's reach, perhaps in Yaffa. Before the lobster regains consciousness take the pot and smash off its beak, rendering it powerless..*...ok*..Great! But that lobster's pretty hungry too-- it traveled a few thousand miles by public transportation. So take a rabbit and force it through the lobster's mandibles. Rabbit made of steel. Lobster has a beak. While it's digesting poke the lobster every 2-3 minutes for an hour to ensure that its cutlets are tender. *pause for hour* Nice work, but the lobster is regaining consciousness!

3. Is this humane?[edit | edit source]

Don't question the instructions, consumer!! Of course it's humane! The French even make fois gras by tickling the geese's necks with metal bars as they eat...LOL. Now let's hold the lobster by the tail over the pot of boiling water. Wait a little to let it understand why it is over a pot, and what the near future holds. *How is this humane...?* Great! Now drop it like it's hot!

4. It's red because it's happy! :)[edit | edit source]

See now the lobster is dancing in the pot because he's so happy! That boiling water is giving him an all over red tan. Dance, everybody dance! *no pause for dancing, you can dance while reading* Watch the dancing happy kirbys:

( >'.'~ )> <( ~'.'~ )> (^ ~'.'~ ^) <( ~'.'< )

Remember why you are doing this to the lobster. Think of the hell it put you through to get to New Jersey, let alone forcing you to spend time in Jersey. Remember how you got to Jersey? Expensive means of transportation. Why? So you could get this lobster.

Good Job!

5. Eat[edit | edit source]

1. Lobster 2. New Jersey 3. Magnets 4. ??? 5. Profit!!!

Links[edit | edit source]