Giant spaghetti monster
“The mere fact that spaghetti has a highly unorthodox composition enables this beast to exist and subsequently causes me to poo-poo in my pants.”
The Giant Spaghetti Monster is a moderately large (i.e. "damn huge") deity being composed mostly of complex carbohydrates, animal proteins, and a persistent metempsychosis. It is truly not a vegetarian dish.
It should be noted that the metemporal component is not material: the Giant Spaghetti Monster's metabolism is powered by a time-paradoxes and not by chemical energy. Because of this the Giant Spaghetti Monster distrusts alarm clocks, indeed, clocks of all kinds. Monday is considered a holy day by the Giant Spaghetti Monster.
Divine in nature, the Giant Spaghetti Monster (GSM) has a religious following known as the Esoteric Order of GSM, whose numbers are believed to be between 6 and zero. The Giant Spaghetti Monster rewards all loyal followers by not giving a crap about them, since the religious group only exists to make the GSM tax exempt. The GSM serves no purpose and is not responsible for any divine occurrences in our universe.
The Giant Spaghetti Monster enjoys listening to classical music, collecting stamps, and having his noodles fondled. He participates in Thursday afternoon poker with the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Jesus H. Christ (he is distantly related to both).
Comparing the Giant Spaghetti and the Flying Spaghetti
Followers of the Esoteric Order of GSM accept the superiority of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in matters divine, but their reasons for following the Giant Spaghetti Monster are as follows:
- The Giant Spaghetti Monster is bigger than the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and is equally capable of interstellar travel. Not that he would ever really want to go that far. The GSM is not nearly as cool as the FSM, and he lacks social skills.
- Religious controversy does not exist for the Esoteric Order of GSM, since the GSM himself doesn't give a meatball about anything controversial, including Intelligent Design. He collects stamps for crying out loud, did you think he would be vengeful or something? all this was till he got eaten by the flying Jelly Fish
- The GSM advocates women's rights and minority equality, or he would if he had a real vocal apparatus. His favored method of communication is sign language, but no one can see it because he is invisible.
- The GSM does not mind being mistaken for the FSM, except for that one time when the FSM got his name put in the Guinness Book of World Records when the GSM was clearly the actual record-breaker. That really ticked him off, but the FSM has since apologized. No mortal being knows what the record in question actually was(most likely the biggest monsters meat balls on earth).
Interestingly, this list also comprises most of the religious scripture of the Esoteric Order of GSM. It is currently in the third edition.
Facts Concerning the Giant Spaghetti Monster and Related Knowledge Thereof
- The Giant Spaghetti Monster, contrary to Popular Belief, is not the progenitor of giants, cyclops, or My Giant. Steve Jobs is his only known offspring. This raises questions as to the actual gender of the GSM, which has been which has been determined to be "melon" by some theologists.
- The GSM is the genius behind the little-known Noodle Theory, which has been ruled "way cooler" than string theory by Papal decree. It is little-known because nobody actually knows anything about it.
- Both the GSM and the Esoteric Order of GSM are fully aware that the heading of the section is a pun based on the title of one of H.P. Lovecraft's short fictions. This is acceptable.
- The GSM does not appreciate being confined inside your pants. Give him some air, you pervert.
- The GSM has recently been eaten by a grue, or possibly Steve Ballmer. This occurred around teatime, next Tuesday. However, the Giant Spaghetti Monster has no designated teatime (tea give him hives), so this is irrelevent.
- The GSM is believed to have suggested to God that women should have been created before men. The Flying Spaghetti Monster was chosen for the job of intelligently designing the Earth and it's creatures, unfortunately, so this brilliant advice amounted to jackshit.
- The GSM drives an icecream truck covered in flaming skulls.
Exhaustive List of Beings Known to Acknowledge the Existence of the Giant Spaghetti Monster
- You, if you read this article.