Fresno

Please mark adult content with a warning for young readers.

How else are they going to find it?

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Bustling Fresno... Today and 100 years from now.

“Fresno is a negative corruption of a collected group of humans with no evolutionarily useful attributes. As the 'Frez gene' is passed from parent to child, and Fresnians do not breed, my theory predicts that the Fresnian species will soon become extinct.”

~ Charles Darwin

“Fresno has it all, the homeless, gay whores, hispanics, and of course raisins.”

~ Oscar Wilde

Fresno is a city in Mexifornia, USA, the county seat of Fresno County. As of February 27, 2009, the population was estimated at 500,017, making it the fifth largest city in California and the 36th largest in the nation. Fresno is located in the center of the wide Death Valley of Central California, approximately 200 miles north of Los Angeles and 170 miles south of the state capital, Sacramento. The city is part of the Fresno-Clovis metropolitan area, which, with a population of 1,002,046, is the second largest metropolitan area in the Central Valley after Sacramento. Some claim the name Fresno is the Spanish language word for the hash tree and the ash leaf is featured on its flag, but natives know that the roots of the word involve fres, meaning fresh or cool, and no, indicating that the city is neither. It is prominently featured in Cajas de Carton, a short story by famed author Francisco Jimenez.

Government

T-Shirt bearing the Fresno City Crest.

Because Fresno is full of Gods most hated creatures, the entire city of has changed their laws from highly important to ningún reglas. Running at a sixth grade level the city is also following a new set of playground rules. It is also illegal to live in Fresno without at least of many iSupplies equipment.

Not so Important Rules

1. Hide your trashcans (a bum could be hungry and get his finger caught in one of those canned soda plastics and die)
2. Respect the people living in tent city
3. "Odd numbers water on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday"
4. "Even numbers water on Wednesday, Friday, Sunday"
5. "Never on Monday"
6. "Please Do NOT Dismember Squids On your Lawn.
7. "Nico Ate Ralph! (City Holiday)"
8. "Mrs. H Is a Man By State Law, All those Opposing Will be hanged by the neck until dead!"

This is where the money went?

• Fresno Metropolitan Museum: F.U.C.K promised Fresno a new museum but it's been 3 years and nothing. They but the museum an a old retired bum house used for crack and collecting dust. Now absolutely nobody goes to it and it's up to you if you want to sign you child's permission slip to allow them to go to a old dust building with "The force is in you" written on the side of the wall outside.

• Save Mart Center: Remember that blank check Fresno received from F.U.C.K. Well this is what they spent it on. A indoor stadium so far from anyone but the white folk in Clovis. Nobody goes there anyways it's so boring inside. The latest event they had was a foolish Harlem basketball game AWAY from the kind of people who like to play the basketball. Fresno's Save Mart Center also attracts The WWE, Prince, and Channa Montana. It also sponsored the Fresno's iSupplies meeting which was really really boring.

• St. Patrisha Mari Jane Underground Gardens: Birthplace of St. Mari Jane. No need to tell you what they grow under here.

• Fresno Real Pride is?: This is one of the longest running gay and lesbian pride movie festivals in the United States. When asked which one were they most prideful in Fresno turned around and said, "Shut up or I'll give you an open five girlfriend, so be nice, tootles" This is also the only event that allows people to use their iSupplies on eachother.

• Haunted House: Fresno's oldest and boringest place is the Meux Home. Isn't that like a brothel? This place is really creepy and not because of the ghost because in the rooms you can see traces of chalk from a fat wiccan festival. Also the only house in Fresno with cable but no television.

• Chuckchansee Park: Just when you thought Fresno was done wiping Indian's ass they'll ask for another thing. Grizzly Stadium is now Chuckchansee Park. Because of the name change Fresno decided to at least change the mascot from a big mean Grizzly bear to a big orange and green drunk mexican "Jose Wetbackho Beanerez".

• Parkway Drive: This street is where all the hookers (like your mom) prostitute themselves to the city of Fresno. Those stupid cops drive down that street and stop them but I don't know why. They just do it again. Most of the people who pick up the hookers are black or white because they are tired of their fat ass wives. They would rather have aids and herpes than have sex with their wives again.

Radio

I'z play da good music boss es sar!!

Because nobody listens to radio anymore, most of Fresno's radio stations are all owned illegally by a random iMexican. But Clear channel owns the five most listened to stations. Here is a list and descriptions of the stations.

• 94.9 Jungle Beats: This station plays rap music also known as clicks and whistles. Nobody wants to be a nerd listening to what isn't fresh and happening. Studies show that the only reason young people listen to this channel is be cool. Researchers also determine to turn your music down at the end of every song because of the announcers playing commericals louder than the song that just went off. And letting everyone know that you listen to the radio isn't fresh and happenin'. The only station to believe Tupac is somewhere hidden in africa, giving the station the name Jungle Beats.
• 97.1 Black Musica: A station that plays a lighter type of clicks and whistles and the occasion mexican Little Joker beat. People in Fresno think that being cool is playing your music loud and let everyone hear it. Whether your in your car or in your house you can trust this station. Even white people can feel like their fellow black man while listening to the same six songs in random order. The only station who supports the Non Original song and Operation Bootleg (NOOB) program.
• 97.9 Oldies: You would think old people listen to this, nope you couldn't be anywrong. In fact, this station is ran by the loved but removed Indian Chief from the Village People who not only possess listeners to listen to the station forever but allows your fat neighborhood Chicano chica to kill kittens every time she goes to a War concert. The only people who listen to this are fat Mexicans or "Mexican Americans" calling themselves La Raza and the tourist who like to hair "Why can't we be Friends," for a thousand times. The Indian also gives tickets to his fellow Indian casinos. Because only old people, mexicans and bumbs go to the casinos.
• 98.5 KOME, or KYNO, or whatever the fuck they are called now: Classic radio station to been the most heard or listened to in California other than KHJ Los Angeles or KCBS San Francisco. Once a radio station playing white people's music until the 1950s, then they had to cater to all those Niggers and Beaners in the 1960s & 70s playing soul music, and by the 1980s or 90s, it became a white people's radio station again with ultra-Conservative racist talk shows about all those Niggers and Beaners in Fresno. Today in 2009, it has a Spanish Mexican or Laotian music niche (actually half the radio stations are in Spanish in the Fresno market).
• 103.7 Commerical Break: Fresno's Rock station my ass, if you don't like Three Days Grace, Crazy Bitch, Green Jelly, Paramore and Ozzy you will not like this station simply because that's all they play, besides the commericals. They try to fool you by saying "non stop rock block" but even that is a commercial. Young rocking Fresnoians are least favorite among touring bands because when the lead singer give the mic to the croud, they reply some random advertisement they heard during or after the song. For example:

$leadsingerbandmic=croud>orequaltotacobell$

• 104.1 Alternate: Fresno's alternative rock station. They got it pretty all together although it is the alternate station to CB 103.7. Not as much commercials but boring as hell. Nobody want's to hear Empty walls by Serj Tankian more than 3 times a day. His voice is annoying. Formerly the call letters were K-S (pause) X-Y.

Television

To aviod a mind control technique from the other better, larger, and more successful cities Fresno, uses a different kind of television bandwidth station, the iSupplies. It has all the features needed but on February 15, 2009 it's required that you buy the iLiengLiengBaiBaiWo and the iGaygory. And without the iMitch up the iGaygory ass the television will not work.

• 4 KVHF Ind. (Visalia Hanford Fresno, yeah we get it now).
• 13 KCWB Ind. (Former the WB or the CW affiliate, now it's Spanish programming).
• 18 KVPT PBS (Public Bitches Spamming).
• 21 KFTV Univision (A mexican channel also the only channel to come in clear w/out cable).
• 26 KMPH Fox (Someone tell Kopi to shut up).
• 30 KFSN ABC (Anti-Christ Brainwashing Christians).
• 38 KSDI Ind. (Stupid Dumbfuck iShit).
• 47 KGPE CBS (Cocks Bigger than Simon's).
• 49 KNXT EWTN (Armenians have their own TV station!).
• 51 KNSO Telemundo (Not So Originalo Mexicano).
• 53 KAIL My Network TV (All Idiotic Losers).
• 59 KFRE The CW (The Conservative White channel).
• 65 KKPX ION (Informercials 24/7).
• 69 ISPE iSupplies channel (Now went to Azteca America).
• 96 The Fresno Channel (Get out your rabbit-ears for this one).

Sister cities

• Mexico City
• Springfield
• Midgar
• Kochi, Kochi, Japan
• Mashhad, Iran
• Catubig, Samar, Philippines
• Oklahoma City

Transportation

Highways

Fresno major highways are the 99 and the 41. But many people find those a waste of time to drive on. So with the help of the F.U.C.K the city was able to construct a new high way going to Kerman, but that was a waste of time because there ain't shit in Kerman and the highway isn't finished anyway..

Public transportation

Fresno's main source of Public transportaion is the Food Maxx shopping cart but who gives a fuck. Most people prefer they're own cars ranking Fresno # 2 in chart of most polluted and likely to be on Day After Tommorrow part Deux. For those looking for a more fashionable ride they'll shout Nimbus into the sky giving them the ability to ride a golden cloud. Only downfall was passenger could only go straight.

Walmart

Walmart is the local drug dealing spot for the Mexicans that live in the area. They are also the worst drivers and the worst parkers in the world. They have two McDonalds for the stupid lazy fat beer gut beaners who can't walk 50 ft, but the chances of dying in that 50ft are 8/9. Hands down if you want drugs go to walmart.

Cimate

So in the summer its hot as hell. In the winter, its cold as the grinch's soul. I mean snaps. Could it be anymore bipolar. Pick one. Hot or cold. You can't have both mother nature. Basically 120 degrees in the summer on a regular basis. There are three kinds of climate here: cold and foggy, nasty drizzle, and so hot everyone commits suicide. There is also lots of fog in the winter which is good for them little school punks because the buses can't pick them up and they get foggy day schedules. For the rest of the town it sucks because the beaners drive without their headlines on and there are tons of accidents. There was once a 108 car pile up on the freeway. How do a 108 cars pile up. I can understand 20 maybe but 108. Man all those Fresnians are retards.