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Femail[edit | edit source]

Femail is an unstable, prone to destroying for no reason and sometimes wonderous e-mail client similar in it's workings to Hotmail and Coldmail but totaly and utterly constapated and superior to "TheMale" email client (which is an objective third party opinion from women and does in no way reflect educated opionion).

How It Works[edit | edit source]

Designed By IBM in late 2001 Femail works on the principal of "whatever men can do women can do better". Eminent scientists found this to be mostly false but they are better at having babies. they hypothesised that if they could isolate the source of a Womans DTP (data transfer protocol) and Digitised it, they could create the worlds best e-mail client. The team working on islotaing the source found that it was written in BASIC and stored in the section of the woman called "Financial,planning and execution of function" segment of the womans brain. The team also worked out that the .exe was activated by the "shoes.exe" command.

Once extracted the team of scientists coverted this into C++. Early tests of the skeleton client shown Developers that even at this early stage the "Femail" client could send 1 TB of data. Microsoft and it's team working on Hotmail and Coldmail were duly worried.

Femail Version 1.0[edit | edit source]

Femail version 1.0 was relased for free to the public in september 1998 and despite inital succsess users found that over time it was strewn with errors. The most Major of these was the 20 minuite delay between hitting send and the message sending. Computer engineers attribute this to a data comms problem with the femail client "talking" to the server at IBM. They explained the problem as such "when the femail client sent a packet to the main server at IBM for transmition authurisation the server said it was ok but the femail client didn't accept this and sent the message back to try a differant protocol and the same happened again several timesuntil the femail client eventualy accpeted the green light from IBM and the message was sent".

There were more problems with Virus' scanning being totaly useless being suseptable to femail stealing credit card details from users and having a host Max it out.

Microsoft windows female[edit | edit source]

in 2000 Microsoft bought "Femail" from IBM and instantly made it better. The codename chocolate update by IBM that cured all the nagging problems in the early version of femail were instantly undone by the team at Microsoft, who subsiquently released a "WINE" Update that stopped all the communication errors.

This made femail install the game BSOD and frequently start the game without being told to. The team at Microsoft also made femail vulnerable to attack and the user base of over 9000 plus were being bombarded with offers to meet singles in their area and "cock extensions do you want some". female was prone to crashing and for long periods being utterly unresponsive. Microsoft sorted this with the HRT patch. Crashes and instabillty were usualy confined to 5 days a month however massive breakdowns were not uncommon at any time.

Windows Live femail[edit | edit source]

Microsoft once again decided to update Femail as Google purchased Hotmail and rebranded it Google Hotfail. Steve ballmer was "Fucking ripping" as Bill Gates put it when told. The new google Hotfail was comprable to Microsoft Windows femail in terms of capacity and looks however it was superior in organisational terms, Computer experts believe that google dug up the corpse of Margaret Thatcher and found a line of code in her organisation.exe that was superior to everyone elses and added this. To counter this Microsoft abducted Joe Pasquale and added his eccentricity.exe and his Function Creep. The idea was that because google had superior organisation they would make it fun to use and developed the WOMAN interface, woman stand for W'indows Open Menu And Netmanager. This allowed the User to open many emails and store them as live thumbnails on the users desktop and steam media from the Internet directly onto the Femail skin. The new skins and colours made femail instantly more attractive. This did create some other problems such as when users didn't pay attention to femail when attending other things it would be come unresponsiev,not send error reports and generaly hog memory, it could be solved by gaining more skins and colours to put on femail. In extreme cases the user would experiance the Red Screen of death. This would usual last 5 days sometimes more.

Mainstream acceptance[edit | edit source]

Despite its vastly superior multitasking skills femail never really took off in the way that Microsoft wanted. It had and uncanny ability to redirect its users to TopShop and Dorothy Perkins usualy around payday. Femail was also susepitble to Data Rape but as we all know its Never Femails fault.

See Also[edit | edit source]