Exploding Peasants
“The fact that he invented exploding peasants is Alexander's only redeeming quality.”
The Exploding Peasant is a long-standing, inexpensive form of warfare. It uses simple peasantfolk as deadly weapons by providing them with hallucinogenic drugs and forcing them to watch performances of the Soviet National Anthem. This causes absolute loyalty in even the most rebellious subjects, causing them to want, even need to die for their leader. Then, simply strap 'em up to some dynamite, and use against your local Viking menace, or maybe that emo next door who plays music until 3 in the freaking morning (WE DON"T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE I SAY!) You'll soon hear a glorious cry of, "AAAAAAAH MOTHERLAAAAND!" and a satisfying kaboom, knowing your problems are safely asploded.
History[edit | edit source]
The Exploding Peasant as a weapon was invented some time in 1453 by Alexander the Great, who was having a dispute with Thebes over who owned the hedge on the border. In the following year, exploding peasants were used to break the Siege of Chicago. The workers of the field would be abducted from their homes in the middle of the night, brainwashed and given explosives to take back into the city. The technique was remarkably effective, though, as a soldier involved in the operation pointed out, "I'd have been happy to stay inside those cottages. They were nice and toasty at night."
During the Russian Revolution, exploding peasants were used by both sides, until Russian Reversal struck and they began blowing up their own commanders.
Currently, the Exploding Peasant is being utilized by all modern fighting forces, including the Swiss Guard, the Vikings, and the People's Army of Youbetchastan.
Plagiarism[edit | edit source]
The Exploding Peasant has a long and distinguished history, but there will always be those who tarnish its reputation with cheap knock-offs. The IRA, for example, chose to use the Exploding Explosive, a considerably less nationalistic and gratuitous weapon. Al Capone, on the other hand, pioneered the Exploding Mobster, but was forced to scrap his plans after the Great Pinstriped Suit Shortage of 1923. During World War II, Japan also incorporated the Kamikaze, a weak imitation of the proper exploding peasant. Kamikazes would use airplanes loaded with explosives instead of the proper harness, and Kamikazes usually weren't very peasantish, but actually all highly-trained Samurai that had become suicidal. Uncyclopedia has pioneered the Exploding Internet Encyclopedia, which means your head will be blown off in ten seconds, or has already been blown off if you're a slow reader.
Other types of exploding peasants[edit | edit source]
It should be noted that, although a peasant wired up to dynamite is the most likely sort of peasant to explode, there are documented cases of peasants exploding without prior weaponisation. Some can be attributed to lightning strikes, bad curries or a uranium diet, but there are other, far stranger stories as well. Legend has it that Joan of Arc was able to cause peasants to explode every time she spoke the words "pomme de terre". In Wales in 1552, it was reported that several dozen peasants all exploded at once, mere minutes after the much better-publicised invention of C4. But the strangest story of all is that of Gunther the Stolid, who got up one morning in 1860, went out to work in his pasture, and promptly converted himself into antimatter, annihilating everything in a ten-mile radius.
Scientists have studied these and other bizarre cases for minutes on end before finishing their lunch break and going back to work, but to date no explanation has been found. The last recorded case of an unexplained exploding peasant (UEP) was in 1963 in the Ukraine; conspiracy theories hold that it was part of a secret US Government project to develop an early warning Vietcong member identification system.
Going Crispy[edit | edit source]
The fact that exploding peasants using dynamite is the best way to go doesn't make it the most fun. Napalm has been used to let the peasant burn to a crisp, later to be sold to Europeans for Cannibalism. Some Europeans prefer the taste of gasoline of their peasant meat, so sometimes one may douse their peasant in gasoline or alcohol to add flavor to their creation.
Decadent Creation[edit | edit source]
Chefs everywhere after the discovery that you can explode peasants took advantage of the fad. Many decadent food creations have been made out of the meat of peasant.
- Peasant de Ajo de Camarones - Peasant meat cooked in a buttery brown sauce served with skins and peasant "beans".
- Peasant PINGAS - A nicely cooked meat log usually three inches long served with peasant blood and exploded mini-chunks. (Note: the term "one for every inch" originated from peasants)