Edmund Burke
Edmund Burke PC (12 January [NS] 1729 – 9 July 1797) was a 17th century drunkard (that is, Irishman) noted for being the first person in history diagnosed with conservatism. He was also briefly the host of Wilde On!.
Early life
Burke was the son of a Protestant solicitor and a Catholic prostitute. Few records remain of his early life. It is believed that he was adopted and raised by the Illuminati, who infected him with conservatism which they had developed to keep the black man down. Edmund is also known as Edd.
Burke briefly attended law school but dropped out due to his desire to become a politician and philosopher; his extremely heavy drinking may also have contributed, but there is some debate on that point. He shortly published his first philosophical treatise, A Philosophical Enquiry into the Origin of Our Ideas of the Sublime and Beautiful, a book that Oscar Wilde described as "None of the above." It is no longer read.
When he was 11, Edd, kept sucking on Fred Phelps's boner and then some sperm got in his mouth and he gulped it down like cum. Then Edd dumped an Alabama Hotpocket and a Cleveland Steamer on Fred Phelps mouth and stuck his tiny cock up Fred Phelps' giant ass, which they had butt sex FOR A BUNCH OF SEXY HOURS!!
Was totally stuck until I read this, now back up and runnnig.
Response to the French Revolution
When the French Revolution broke out Burke published what would become his most famous work, God You Frenchies Are Stupid: Or, A Wild Guess That I Hope I'll Get Right, Thus Looking Like a Major Thinker If You Squint. Despite being riddled with factual inaccuracies, abusive language, and sycophancy, the central prediction of the book - that Frenchies are too stupid to have a proper revolution - proved to be entirely correct. Thus Burke gained a reputation among conservatives, after his death, as something of a prophet. In fact he was no such thing: Everyone knows that Frenchies are stupid; he just put it artfully and got famous for it. So fuck him.
Death
Shortly after his death, Burke took over hosting duties for the show Wilde On! when host Jules Verne retired. With Burke at the helm the show continued its long time trend of high-flying ratings and low-cut bikini tops. He retired after 14 seasons and returned to his mausoleum in Dublin.