Eclair
“I don't care if they're actually called Éclairs, no one will search that up!”
– Me, five seconds before creating this article
An eclair is a French pastry trap that got widely misconstrued, leading to popularity amongst fatties and tourists. Eclairs are a game of French roulette, for one out of every dozen eclairs is secretly filled with cum.
History[edit | edit source]
In the early 400s, baker Pierre Erreip had a brilliant idea for a prank to play on his local Dungeons & Dragons group. He concocted twelve eclairs, each filled with cream except one, which he sneakily shot a load into. Pierre, of course, was very immature. He then shuffled the eclairs, and took them to the game. One by one, each of his friends had an eclair, with Pierre grinning all the while. Suddenly, one friend got up, blue around the gills, and ran into the bathroom. Pierre chuckled, and explained to his friends what he had done. Everyone had a good laugh. Pierre grabbed the last eclair as his other friend returned. The friend explained, "Zorry about zat Pierre, I have a bit of lactoze intoleranze. Zit was a great eclair, though." Pierre was confused at his friend's indifference, until he bit into the final eclair. The stickiness. The ooziness.
Pierre proceeded to throw himself off a cliff, and his friends continued his tradition as a way to piss on his grave.
More Recent History[edit | edit source]
Eclairs proceeded to take off, probably because the French are kinky like that. It was a nationwide secret, a practical joke unspoken to all. A French landlord would go to the bakers to buy that eclair he'd heard so much about. Then, after one bite, he would be in shock, but a wordless bond would be formed between him and the baker. Others would buy eclairs every Tuesday for months before biting the "big one," as it were. Of course, you would have to finish the eclair or else be at risk of being considered unsportsmanlike. Gradually, the practice spread all across France.
One day, around the 1500s, Henry VIII secretly came to France to participate in a French beer pong tournament. While stopping by a bakery, he decided to try an eclair. He got the one in twelve. Of course, the English have no taste, and he was unable to tell what he had bitten into. From there on, the secret of eclairs remained exclusively in France by fear of Henry VIII's ghost finding out and coming back from the dead to kick France's ass.
Even More Recent History[edit | edit source]
When France was occupied by Germany in World War II, it was thought that the secret of the eclair would die out then and there, as the French were chopped up to feed Hungry Hungry Hitler. However, one French captive, beat, heavily drugged, and force to watch episodes of My Little Pony in German, mentioned to her interrogator the secret of the eclair. So shocked was the interrogator, that he fell into fits of madness before frothing and spasming and generally dying a quite hideous death. From then on, the secret could never be let out, and the woman who spilled the beans was shunned from French society.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
From this, it seems like you should never eat eclairs again. But the opposite is true, because if the French think other countries know, who knows what they might do? For now, we are safe, because no French person could ever read this article as it is in English.