Dianalysis
Dialysis is the procedure in which a machine cleans the bloodstream of a person whose kidneys have ceased to function. The British refer to this as "taking the piss out of" someone, and do it several times daily.
How it is done[edit | edit source]
Dialysis requires that a large machine be connected to the patient's body. This "kidney machine" is not as large as a "heart-lung machine," but is considerably larger than, say, a toenail machine.
Unfortunately, the art of medicine has not yet invented the liver machine. This would be useful to UNCYCLOPEDIA Senior Editors, some of whom go through a bottle a day of Aquavit, or Aqua Velva, or whatever they can get their hands on. Also to Diana, the alcoholic for whom the procedure was originally named. She preferred a cocktail of white wine and Austrian antifreeze.
Indications[edit | edit source]
Dialysis is called for when the kidneys, the paired organs jokingly nicknamed "the kids" or "the jewels" (Spanish: el duende) shut down like postal workers going on strike. This is often a result of a kidney punch, something the aforesaid editors quaff with Diana when they can't get Aqua Velva. (Diana goes down easiest of all.)
Oldsters whose kidneys have both been removed sometimes find it entertaining to shock or gross out youngsters by showing them that they carry their "jewels" in a pouch beside their bodies.
If dialysis is not performed promptly, urea may accumulate in the blood, giving the skin an unhealthy yellow color. This "Yellow Peril" must be treated or it can lead to a diplomatic crisis, or to the Duke of Edinburgh Award for Inappropriate Language.
History[edit | edit source]
Cleansing of the blood was done in the past using animals. This was called leechcraft. Doctors were paid large sums to cover the patient with bloodsucking leeches. The leeches went home happy, and so did you, a few pounds lighter. In Transylvania, vampires were used, but this removed too many citizens from the government "coverage" rolls, and into the army of the Undead.
Diana, through her lifetime, flew thousands of children to the developed world from third-world hellholes to undergo the procedure, plus corrective surgeries and cucumber facials.
Currently, leechcraft is performed with inexpensive, foreign "undocumented" workers. This is good news for hospitals wishing to wheel you out as soon as possible. Greater use of dialysis will accelerate this trend unless, of course, the machines are stolen and driven into storefronts in ram-raiding burglaries.
Long lines at the National Health Service for access to one of Britain's two kidney machines has resulted in the sighting of many people with outlandish skin color in the London area. When these people get desperate, they will often band together on excursions to Germany for treatment. They are referred to as being "out on the piss."