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Tuesday, January 21, 2025
Dear Azathoth,
By the time you read this, I'll be saving a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Gecko. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but to be honest, I'd be more sorry if I were to stay. I know this might seem like a kick in the nuts to you, seeing as we made all those plans to enter the Guinness Book of World Records by the becoming the first couple ever to watch "The Cure for Insomnia" without falling asleep, but I just don't see things working out that way. I'm sorry about this — or at least that's what you're supposed to say in these situations. I just need to kick you while you're down, before the snooker comes on the telly. I want to tell you that I think you are my personal Jiminy Cricket, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are from another dimension, and I am into bodysurfing. You like guessing the weight of elderly women, talking like Captain Kirk, and igniting your own fart, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date for the hell of it. It's not like we don't both have herpes. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I see someone wearing radish earrings and a butterbeer cork necklace. I'd really like us to become jaded, cynical and bitter in our own different ways, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, pretending we're screwing someone else. Take care of yourself and never forget that every time you see a rainbow, someone is having gay sex.
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