Dear Dude

I was such an awesome young dude bro.

Last night I was thinking ...

It's been 25 years since your grandmother died and I remembered how hard it was to watch you suffering as you watched her waste away into an emaciated pile of death. I know it hurt you deeply to see her hooked up to all those tubes and having a tube so deep down her throat. Was it only ten years ago she made us lemonade as we played in our tree fort. I always beat you at playing pirates because you were terrible at it and I am awesome at everything. We would lower a basket from the tree fort and she'd put the ice-cold lemonade in the basket and we would lift it up and drink it and she'd watch us with a smile trying to hide her loneliness (being a widow and all from your grandfather's freak unexpected death). I think I even adored her more than you did. We were young and awesome (especially me) then with no idea about the hardships that would come with adult life. That is why I found it kind of hilarious to see her helpless in her bed gagging on a tube. Of course I didn't laugh out loud like I wanted to, or even tell you I found it funny (even though it was super funny), because that would have been terribly insensitive and I am a deeply caring awesome guy. So I waited 25 years until I thought you'd be receptive to the hysterical comedic nature of that scene and I thought you'd also realise how funny it was watching Grandma rot away in pain.

But let's stop laughing for a moment ...

Your grandmother meant all to you after your parents died in a mysterious accident shortly after you met me. I sort of visualised a nurse tripping on the breathing tube ripping it out. I swear I had to bury my head into my arms so you couldn't see the smirk on my face. I could just envision the panic in the room, Grandma grasping for air, alarms going off, gasps of horror, more things being knocked over creating a knock on effect as more people tripped over a plug that broke and set the whole hospital on fire. I was actually giggling a little so I pretended to cry so you wouldn't realise I was laughing. Yur girlfriend came to comfort me and gave me a really long hug. I hugged her back in a sensual way. I sniffed her hair for a few seconds while we embraced, which turned me on. I went to the bathroom and I jerked off for five minutes, thinking about your girlfriend down on her knees with her face buried in my crotch so hard she could barely breathe. I spewed all over the bathroom and it took me a while to clean that whole mess up. It was a hospital after all and I wanted to be considerate as I am super mindful of people as it would be rude to have my germs everywhere.

Me, being awesome

Especially your beloved gran ...

Remember when your grandmother taught us how some stupid Polish card game which we hated? I loved playing it because I always won and your grandmother would congratulate me with love and affection, as she was mindful I was even more alone than you (as you know my entire family died in a mysterious house fire when I was young). That's what made her so awesome and her awesomeness rubbed onto me (more onto me than you I think). Also I knew her praising me made you jealous which made it feel twice as good. Every compliment was a sweet burning feeling in my heart filling up the void of emptiness that your friendship could not fill.

Guilt eats away at you ...

I know you've felt responsible for her death. Even though she was double vaxxed (as were you), you had come down with COVID just before her and you were certain you gave it to her. After all, it was the day after your bachelor party that I organised. I told you to stop being a pussy and take off that fucking mask and I kiss that stripper because you "totally loved your fiancé". So I can understand why you agonised over indirectly murdering your grandma. Well, I think enough time has passed that you are emotionally prepared to deal with the truth: I gave your grandmother COVID.

It's time you knew the hilarious truth ...

I spent a week trying to infect your grandmother. I touched every public surface I could and then dipped my fingers into her drinking glass. She still didn't get sick. In the end I just snuck into the COVID ward of a hospital and took swabs of the mouths of COVID patients and then snuck into your grandmother's bedroom while she slept and shoved the swab down her throat. I swear I couldn't help laughing. She choked on the swab but somehow swallowed it without dying (which would have been funny). I peed my pants a little (soaked through my boxers into my jeans) which made me proud as I've never did something so funny I soiled my own briefs. Luckily she came down with COVID and was in the hospital in no time. It was my greatest triumph, you'll soon understand why.

I look so sweet in a suit.

But ... why?

Why did I do it? Besides being bloody hilarious, it was because I had stolen your birthday money when you were twelve. Grandma had given you birthday cash and I stole it while you were sleeping. In fact, I have stolen your expensive family heirloom pocket-watch via an orchestrated burglary. (Sorry I accidentally killed our cat in the process (which was a favour for you as the cat was so fucking useless.) I took thousands of dollars of things from you. As I am magnaimous, I knew you deserved to get some of that money back so I gave your grandmother COVID so she'd die and you would get her inheritance. So in reality, I helped you out because she left you a lot more money than the value of the things I stole from you. You don't have to thank me right away, but you should eventually.

Anyway ...

Now that it's been 25 years since your grandmother died in the most hilarious farcical way and your wife has come down with a completely unexplained case of finger cancer, I must tell you, even though I haven't been around much over the last couple years, I will be there for you now just as I was with your grandmother. I'll be by your side while your wife's finger cancer metastasizes. I will embrace you while you cry and I promise I won't be laughing behind your back or envisioning hilarious scenarios like your wife accidentally frothing at the mouth after getting the wrong medicine. I am your friend after all and I deeply care about you. I have always, always, always had your best interests at heart. I love you brah! While you aren't that awesome, I have enough awesomeness for the two of us and I will always share it with you, because you complete me brah.

Your best friend,

Dude Bro