Davey and Goliath

Davey, Goliath and the whole family in bendable action figures so the kids at home could play along with their adventures. The first 100,000 of these playsets had to be recalled when Goliath told toy makers to indicate the figurines "bend for your sexual pleasure" on the package.

Davey and Goliath is a stop motion Christian animated series created in the 1950s and 1960s by then Vice President Richard M. Nixon and Elvis Presley as part of their on-going campaign to stop the spread of drug abuse in the United States. Each 15-minute episode featured Davey Hansen and his talking dog Goliath (who talked only to Davey and the audience), Davey's parents (John and Elaine Hansen), Davey's sister Sally and associated friends. Davey's parents were portrayed as passive aggressive and abusive because they never ever questioned the idea that their son Davey spent the majority of his time talking with his dog Goliath, avoiding other children whenever possible.

Dr. Phil McGraw played "Doc Magic" in the first season of Davey and Goliath. He played the neighbor who often told the Hansens Davey needed psychiatric help because he talked to his dog. He generally wore only a pair of underwear and this was often on his head.

A young Dr. Phil McGraw also guest starred on the show during the first season as a character called Doc Magic, a neighbor of the Hansens who would routinely visit the Hansens wearing nothing but a pair of underwear (which he often wore on his head) and say things like, "Seriously, your son Davey needs friggin therapy" or "Don't you ass spelunkers realize that having a son who spends the majority of the time talking to the dog is probably an issue." This experience most certainly painted the way for him to star on the Oprah Winfrey Show and later his own show as Oprah has always been a HUGE fan of Davey and Goliath. This is also the program when Dr. Phil started ending every episode with the famous catchphrase he ends his daytime show with ... "Chuckaluck and what da fuck."

Season one

At the direction of Goliath, Davey kicks little Billy's ass outside the Dairy Queen. Look closely ... A young Sylvester Stallone portrays Billy in this episode.

The first season of the show explored Goliath's control over Davey and his drug addicted / clueless parent's acceptance of this control.

In episode 2, entitled "I'm Fucking Hungry Davey", Goliath gets Davey to get him some food by saying "Tell that bitch mother of yours to make me a fucking sandwich, or I'll take a shit on the couch."

In episode 3, entitled "We need goddamn money", Goliath urges Davey to rob a local bank using his father's handgun by saying, "Don't fuck with me Davey if you back out now the cops are gonna cap your ass. You get that ski mask on and get me some goddamn money." While Davey successfully robs the bank, a lesson is learned when Goliath blows the proceeds at a local greyhound race park on "a couple of hotties".

In episode 4, entitled "Your going to hell, Davey", after episode 3 when Davey robbed a bank and shot two people, he told his pastor about the incident in confession. The Pastor tells Davey he is going to hell and no amount of good will ever reverse it. Davey is despondent and almost commits suicide by jumping off a large bridge. Goliath didn't help matters as he yelled "You're a fucking pussy Davey – nobody gives a shit! Jump off the fucking bridge you spelunker." Davey is eventually convinced by Goliath not to kill himself – after he realizes "... somebody has to open the cans of Alpo and I [Goliath] don't have thumbs."

In episode 5, entitled "Stop being such a Goddamn pussy Davey", Goliath implores Davey to "kick a neighborhood kid's ass" when the child looks at him funny. "Davey, if you don't kick Billy's ass, then I'll go live with Billy and his family and come over every day to crap on your lawn and whiz on your bushes. Grow some stones and kick his ass, Davey". This episode won Davey and Goliath a nomination for best cartoon feature of 1962 as well as beginning the career of Sylvester Stallone who played "Billy" and got his ass kicked in front of the Dairy Queen by Davey while Goliath urinated on him.

Season two

Velvet the magic rabbit comes into a scene and rips one. Goliath enjoyed killing Velvet in episode 28.

After receiving the endorsement of President John F. Kennedy's Office for the prevention of drug abuse and a young Barack Obama in late 1962, Goliath's control over Davey shifted to religious fanaticism. In episode 22 entitled, "We don't like them types in this here town", Goliath implores Davey to ridicule any other children who do not attend their church. "Them kids are going to burn in Hell, Davey" and "Them thar kids that don't believe what we believe are evil" were common phrases during season two. In season two, the Doc Magic character was replaced with a cartoon character name Velvet whose only function was to interrupt a number of scenes by running in, breaking wind and yelling, "Whoops!" as he ran away while Goliath and Davey looked at the camera and said, "What was that noise?" and Davey's father appeared and winked into the camera. Velvet became very popular with many of the children who watched the show until he went to the show's Executive Producer Frank Sinatra and demanded more money. This really pissed off Mr. Sinatra (affectionately referred to "Old Blue Eyes" by Goliath and Davey) and in episode 28 entitled "Chew that fucking rabbit's head clean off", Velvet met his demise in Goliath's mouth as Sally and Davey cheered, "Chew that rat bastard's head off." Later in the episode, the family shared prayers at the dinner table before chowing down on some delicious rabbit stew. At the end of episode 28, Goliath announces the lesson learned: "Don't fuck with Mr. Sinatra."

Season three

Davey and Goliath explore the world of drugs. Note Goliath's hippie style hat as Davey "scores" some LSD and acid. Check out Goliath's eyes – he's wasted!

Season three saw many changes. Executive Producer Frank Sinatra left for Las Vegas and his famous "Rat Pack" and Scientist Dr. Timothy Leary took over as Executive producer, writer and director for one season – with disastrous results. Leary is most famous for preparing scripts while totally blitzed on LSD – which took away the focus on religion and brought it into the 1960s drug world. While hippie freaks, anti war scum and tie dye whack offs found it refreshing, the rest of the audience was less than amused.

For example, in episode 37 entitled, "Let's go downtown and score some smack", Davey and Goliath wander into a known drug hangout and purchase numerous class A narcotics for "experimentation". In episode 39 entitled "Reality is for people who can't handle drugs", Davey and Goliath are sent to their Pastor for guidance after Davey's clueless parents find a six-foot-high bong in his room. Davey, Goliath and the Pastor end up spending most of the night smoking from the bong and laughing at things that aren't particularly amusing. The Pastor was played by a young Tom Cruise so, of course, he attempted to get Davey into bed with him – at which time Goliath bit him on the ass.

Davey and Goliath dropped acid with Tom Cruise. The drugs affect Cruise to this day as evidenced by this incident on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Cruise is such a fucking douchebag! Is it me or do you just want to kick this guy right in the stones and tell him to go dry hump a walrus using a sandpaper rubber?

In episode 44 entitled "Who wants to drop some acid?", Davey and Goliath go door to door in downtown knocking on doors asking if the residents "have any acid" and finally end up joining a young Tom Cruise for numerous hits. Two major events happened as a consequence of this episode – Tom Cruise was forever screwed up mentally by the drugs and Davey was introduced to Scientology. Davey would become a fanatical Scientologist after the episode, often joining Cruise and John Travolta for Scientology parties. Also, for a short time, Davey would become Tom Cruise's gay lover.

Every episode in season three involved Davey and Goliath "scoring some medicinal happiness" and it is rumored Goliath was usually wasted at rehearsals and taping along with Dr. Leary. Davey avoided the drugs, preferring instead to drink Bacardi 151 like it was Diet Pepsi.

Season three was cut short when it was revealed that Dr. Leary was using Davey and Goliath as a front to purchase illegal drugs for his personal use and the season was cut short.

For several months, the future of Davey and Goliath was in serious doubt ... could the series survive the scandal?

1965 – The TV show ends temporarily as Davey and Goliath head to Vegas

Davey and Goliath at the opening of a Mall in Syracuse, New York. Note Goliath's eyes – this is before he went to Betty Ford Clinic to get sober.

After the season three debacle, no one wanted to see Davey and Goliath – leaving all the actors to try to find work elsewhere. This was particularly difficult for Goliath who was earning well in excess of $550,000 per show when it was canceled and was living in a $10,000 per month penthouse apartment in New York City.

A poster from the Sands Hotel Show "Davey and Goliath ... Who Farted I Smelled it". Note the broken bat – in the show, Goliath grabs the end of the bat and yells, "Hey Davey ... gonna take your temperature!"

Davey and Goliath might have been lost forever if not for their famous friend Frank Sinatra who brought the pair to Las Vegas for a risqué review show at the Sands Hotel called "Davey and Goliath – Who Farted I Smelled it". The show featured Davey breaking wind on stage and blaming Goliath for the stench of the gas. Goliath in turn would growl and chase Davey around the stage until he caught up to him and bit him on the ass. Then, while Davey lied on the stage bleeding, Goliath would indeed "rip one" in Davey's face and say "Gosh Davey ... let's go to church and pray you prick" (making reference to Davey's constant insistence Goliath join him at the Church of Scientology).

The show was insanely popular and brought back the fan base to Davey and Goliath enough to bring back the show. More importantly, it gave the show a clear direction – to go back to the focus and excitement of season one instead of the religious focus of season two and drug culture focus on season three.

Davey and Goliath were back.

Davey and Goliath are back for three more seasons

The excitement surrounding the return of Davey and Goliath produced millions of dollars worth of crapola – like this cheesy tie manufactured in a sweat shop overseas somewhere that paid young kids a nickel a day.

In episode 51, Goliath makes Davey kill several members of a family so he can bang TV star Lassie ... only to find out – the hard way – that Lassie was a dude.

Davey and Goliath were back! Davey's parents were once again accepting of the fact that their son spent the majority of their time talking to the dog and Goliath spent the majority of his time making Davey do his bidding. The pair also picked up a brand new sponsor – The Church of Scientology and it is rumored that L. Ron Hubbard himself wrote most of the episodes for the remainder of the series.

In episode 51, "I want to bang Lassie", Goliath forces Davey to attempt to assassinate members of the Weatherwax family (the family who trained Lassie) with the idea that he could "console" Lassie in her hour of need and "get some of that". The episode had hilarious conclusions when Goliath learned (the hard way) that "Lassie" was actually a male dog. Goliath looked at the camera and said, "What a pisser." This phrase would become the catchphrase of the series in later years.

The series went on for three great years and was one of the highest rated television programs ... until episode 99, "Grandma assumes room temperature". It was a special two-hour movie intended to propel the series into theaters – instead, it became the last episode of the series.

Like lots of people, Goliath really can't stand Tom Cruise. In later years, Davey would also come to hate Cruise and his wacky religious beliefs. Let's face it, anyone who likes Tom Cruise is either an asswipe or a total loser.

In the episode, Davey and Goliath spend a weekend with Davey's Grandma, only to return home and find out the next day that Davey's Grandmother had died shortly after their departure. While L. Ron Hubbard intended the episode to explore what happens to someone when they die, head writer Al Gore changed the story at the last minute, making the episode a mock trial accusing Davey of poisoning Grandma and the environment during his visit. This really pissed off L. Ron Hubbard who intended the episode to end with Davey and Goliath staring at a plate full of shelled pecans repeating "Grandma ... Grandma ..." over and over. (Scientology teaches that when a person dies they are reincarnated to the nut meat most resembling themselves during their life.) This caused quite a shakeup and argument that ended with Davey asking L. Ron "if the letters F.O. mean anything to you" and Goliath biting him in the stones.

Luckily for Davey and Goliath, promotional deals and their outrageous salaries (Goliath was earning in excess of $5 Million per episode) made them wealthy beyond any dreams of avarice. They left television and disappeared for years – many people thought they were deceased. Davey and Goliath seemed to disappear off the face of the earth until 1997 until they resurfaced with their own new television production free from the influences of Al Gore, Tom Cruise or any of those other idiots.

Davey and Goliath create a new animated series

Here is the rough concept drawing (on a cocktail napkin) of what would later become the characters in Davey and Goliath's hit series on Comedy Central called "South Park". This series is not as successful as the Davey and Goliath series in the 1960s but is still very popular.

The only character Goliath hates worse than Tom Cruise? Scooby Doo! Goliath says Scooby Doo is a "rucking rasshole" that should "ro ree".

In 1996, Davey and Goliath got together for a drink in Beverly Hills. Drunk out of their minds, they talked about how animation had "gone so downhill" since their show had left the air. They talked about terrible animation and how characters like Scooby Doo had "totally screwed up everything!" Along for what was to become an all-night bender were Marie and Donny Osmond who, while drinking rum and cokes like they were glasses of fresh milk at a Mormon picnic, dared Davey and Goliath to create their own healthy cartoon program.

Here is the final drawing presented to Comedy Central for Davey and Goliath's South Park cartoon show. Comedy Central accepted the program, but insisted that Davey and Goliath have other animators draw the characters as the producers decided their drawings "sucked ass".

Their solution was an all-night work session where they created a brand-new breakthrough cartoon series on cocktail napkins. This new cartoon series would have the same "edge" as the Davey and Goliath series but would be in a contemporary setting and would not have obnoxious characters like Doctors who wore underwear on their head or pink farting rabbits. After presenting the new cartoon to more than 29 different networks, Davey and Goliath headed to Comedy Central as a last resort. The rest is history. With some minor changes – including giving Davey and Goliath "Stage names" so no one would recognize the program was their work (they were afraid Tom Cruise would want to join them and by 1996 both Davey and Goliath hated Tom Cruise) – the new program was born.

It was called South Park.

South Park has become so big it has its own page here on Uncyclopedia. So click on South Park to check out more details about Davey and Goliath's latest creation.

Davey and Goliath today

Davey and Goliath today. This is a publicity shot taken in front of the Comedy Central Headquarters where their hit series South Park is filmed.

Today, Davey and Goliath prefer to keep a low profile and are rarely seen other than to pick up their very large commission checks from Comedy Central for their South Park series. Allegedly, Goliath writes most of the episodes ... well, at least he has the ideas. Goliath still does not have thumbs so Davey transcribes most everything.

Interestingly enough, some people had heard that Davey and Goliath were actually in the poor house and were hurting for money so they set Davey and Goliath some donations. And do you want to know what they did with those donations? They whacked them with polo mallets and kicked them into their swimming pools while eating very fancy cheese appetizers and drinking fancy cocktails with fancy paper umbrellas in them.

So there. Stick that in your hat.