Cricket terminology

The following are terms used in the game of cricket.

A

Arm ball: A type of visualisation exercise used by sexually charged spin bowlers. Although this exercise is largely used by off spinners, players such as Horny Warney also use it to help them cope with the unbearable boredom from playing a test for the full five days knowing that it would be a draw. In the exercise bowlers visualise tapping the batsman's genitals with the ball before using their arms to gently scrape it for comfort.

B

Batsman

Anyone wielding a cricket bat. It's best to avoid a batsman, as they are rather dangerous, unless you are playing silly position.

Batter

A substance usually made from milk, eggs and butter. Can be used to make pastries such as pies and Cornish pasties which are often subject to being eaten at lunch-time. Also, a heated dispute between the batsman and umpire often results in the latter getting battered. A fielder may also batter the field in order to divert a rolling ball in his direction.

Benaud Unit / Benaud scale

Named after the inventor of talking about a cricket game while it is occurring, Richie Benaud, the Benaud Scale rates ‘play’. Though a somewhat subjective measure Benaud Units have since been rationalised by mathematicians using a beige sportscoat as a constant. The current Benaud Scale is based on a Bell Curve on which every single ball ever bowled ever is placed and weighted against player ability (this is why 8 year old Billy Cripple’s six-and-out hoik from Dad’s full pace attack is equally ‘marvellous’ as Shane Warne causing a ball to disappear with stealth spin).

Benaud Scale

1. Day – the state of the Sun position in which cricket is played as in ‘It’s a day for cricket’.

2. Neat – an example of a cricketing skill performed in an entirely cromulent way, as in ‘He plays a neat sweep shot’.

3. Interesting – when a play occurs which intrigues Richie enough for him to point it out, for example when Glenn McGrath makes the ball divert 0.05 mm from a previous one which looked exactly the same and only Richie noticed any difference and will use endless replays and tricky drawings on the screen to point out exactly how the batsman is fucked.

4. Watch what he does here – used after the fact when pointing out something of especial note, for example when Inzamam Ul-Haq ate a clod of turf or when the cameramen zoom in on some guy’s girlfriend who only went to the cricket to get a tan in her bikini and she is fit.

5. Magnificent – the most common of Richie’s laudatory adjectives, he can use it on everything from a special collectors’ edition piece of memorabilia, something scenic the cameras can pick up nearby to the stadium, a slo-mo replay of Mark Taylor chewing gum. Note: can also be used in conjunction with 'Day', as in 'A magnificent day for cricket'.

6. Lovely - often applied to cover drives.

7. Super – usually applies to feats of merit performed over a long period of time. On hearing this many players raise their bats to salute not the crowd but Richie.

8. Tremendous – almost exclusively used to describe everything Michael Hussey does e.g. "a tremendous lack of form".

9. Stirling effort – reserved for rubbish players who score centuries, or good players who score centuries with a swashbuckling arrogance after an extended form slump.

10. Marvellous – used at moments of sporting genius that could make basalt cry.

There are two other scales sometimes used: the Lawry Scale and the Greig Scale. The Lawry Scale is largely useless as it only has two levels - one for batting and one for bowling, respectively: “That a big hit! A HUGE hit!” and for bowling “Got him! Yes! He’s Gone!”. The Greig Scale is even less useful as it only has one level of measurement - a long drawn out “yeeeeeees” - but is entertainingly demonstrated by a giant wielding a set of car keys.

Bouncer

A rarely used device in cricket when a man or hemaphrodite with large build is sent on the pitch to protect the umpire from overly excited appeals for the bowling team.

Bowden

A rare discipline of meditation exercises most renowned for its quirky yet oddly alluring moves. Perhaps the most well-regarded practitioner of the Bowden was one Paul Adams. Mr. Adams was hailed as the leader of the renassaince of a dying art, until alas the very thing he loved claimed his life, as he one day managed to accidentally tangle his legs around his neck while delivering a bowl in the nets by himself, thus slowly choking himself to death. The others could've sworn they heard his cries for help, but their coach, Guus Hiddink, yelled at his subjects for getting sidetracked during a practise session. He then ordered his men to give him a 100 pushups, while Herschelle Gibbs was given the special orders of sucking a golf ball through a lawn hose.

Box

A hard item used to tightly guard the most valuable body part of the batsman so that he does not get into any extra-curricular activities except batting. The item is endorsed by none other than a'Straiyan Shane Warne.

Block Shot

A shot that Jason Gillespie pioneered as an answer to Ashley Giles's almost unplayable defensive Left Arm Chinamen deliveries. Gillespie also takes the honour of being the only Batsman in the world to score a 6 from a block shot.

C

Chucking

The act of staging protest against an umpire when an appeal is turned down. The term is named in the honor of Chuck Norris, who in 1997 while playing a charity cricket match at Lords couldn't believe that umpire Dickie Bird would have the audacity to turn down an appeal from him. In a fit of rage and being just plain awesome, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked Bird in the face and sent him 3 months into the future. Thus hastening Bird's retirement. Chucking is now very much frowned upon by the ICC. Thus they choose to ignore flagrant chucking from Glenn Mr T. and Bruce Lee.

Cover Drive

A shot which often rates as around a 6 on the Benaud scale unless played by Michael Hussey or Ricky Ponting in which case it would rate higher.

Chirping

The annoying sounds that birds and predominantly wicket keepers make in the ears of hard concentrating batsman to try and put them off, or turn them on... Usually employed whilst Ashley Giles is bowling in an attempt to buy the King Of Spain a wicket.

For Australian chirping, see Sledging.

D

Declaration' When the captain of one team publicly declares the number of extra large meatlovers the team would be ordering for lunch to celebrate the batting success of their team and to put extra pressure on the opposing team to match their appetite.

Doosra

A dish of lentils, durian, chapati and rice, often served with chips and a side order of turn the over way chutney. The Doosra is usually thrown together at about 80mph by a Sri Lankan chef with boggle-eyes, a big smile, and he flaps his arms like wings over his shoulder when he runs out to deliver it.

Duck

Occasionally introduced into play by either umpires or players in the case that levels of boredom are in danger of causing catatonia. A variety of terms (golden duck, duck with sweet and sour sauce, etc.) exist to describe the various humorous consequences of its introduction. Essentially, the more valuable and rare the material, the more the duck's fate possessed of unlikeliness, unluckiness, and body count.

The removal of the duck from play by way of accidental ingestion by a sleeping fielder, for example, would be considered an Ivory Duck.

Duckworth-Lewis

New-aged, hippie bullshit way of making it virtually impossible for the team chasing a target to win the game.

Devised by expelled scout group leader Peaking Duckworth and Heathrow Airport anal-inspector Huey Lewis (brother of singer of the same name). The equation has completely fucked every mathematician, cricket expert and fan of the chasing team since it's inception but Will Hunting was able to finally crack the equation in late 2006 after gaining a moment of clarity while smoo-diving Minnie Driver.

First, take the amount of runs made by the opposing team and add the amount of times Big Merv stuck his tongue in Healy's ear plus Boonies average beer consumption at lunch. Secondly, divide the amount of balls bowled by the defending team by the amount of hot-dogs sold in Row 6 of the second largest stand, multiplied by the amount of times Darrel Hair got his dick stuck in a chicken. Thirdly: Pull three random numbers out of a hat and add together then subtract the amount of grey pubes on Max Walkers sack. Finally: Triple everything by the amount of high-fives missed by Monty Paneasar from his first (and probably only) wicket to the power of how many blokes have actually stuck around the ground to figure the bastard out.

Such has been the consistency of the Duckworth-Lewis systems, the ICC board are considering implementing the new "lets just flip a fucking coin" method so we can all bugger off to the pub. Sounds good to me.

H

Half Century

Amount of time which typically passes between the end of a game and the Australians admitting they deserved to lose it. Also the length of time elapsed in a completed One-Day International.

Home Run

A "run" is when a batsmen has pocket kings and uses them to hit four aces in order to shoot a seven under par slam dunk, a "home run" however is when the batsman converts the post run "try", for six points.

J

Judgement Day

Took place during India vs. Australia test match in Sydney in 2008. For more details, see Judgement Day

N

Night Watchman

The easiest and highest-paid job in cricket. Or it was, until one Jason "now officially better than Boonie and Steve Waugh" Gillespie came along and ruined it for everyone.

No Ball

This is where once everyone is ready to play it is realised nobody remembered to bring a ball. in such an instance the least favorite player must sacrifice his bladder which is made into a ball by the home captains mother while the other players retire to the pavilion for a cup of tea.

O

Opening Bat

Bat with a small doored compartment for storing an Australian batsman's beer.

Over

When the game is finished, after a century.

If a bowler bowls a maiden over, he is banned from international cricket for up to two years, as the umpire will not allow such shocking treatment towards female fans, and the Aussie Postal Service has a strong union. Sending her obscene texts, however, is quite ok.

P

Partnership

A longstanding relationship between two batsman. Hayden and Langer are often what you'd think when you think this.

Pavilion

A large shopping centre located in the main stand at most cricket stadiums. MOstly known as the most exiciting place in a cricket ground.

Piano

If a batsman is struggling to hit the ball, he has the option of the bowler bowling a piano, to see if he can play that.

R

Rain

You have amassed 720dec. England are teetering on 71 all out & 42 for 8 on the fifth day, only Paul Collingwood's unbeaten 17 of 134 balls is giving the Poms a double figure innings to trouble the scorers. You have unchained your most lethal strike bowler from the 3rd man boundary and passed him the new ball to bowl bouncers and scare the shit out of the tail enders before ending the sideshow with a yorker.

Just as you begin to taste the sweet taste of the after match piss-up and a 1-0 series win, the heavens open up, flooding the bone dry wicket and washing away any chance of a result. Meanwhile the fucking Poms are rejoicing the fantastic effort of actually making it five days and welcoming the homely weather.

Runs

A method devised by the Indian cricket team, which involves giving the opposition team dodgy curries which causes them to run to the toilet every five minutes.

S

Sight Screen

A test Umpires must undergo to screen out those with sight, those that are found to have no sight become umpires those that can see are forced into becoming the much called upon (since he is the only umpire with full vision) 3rd umpire.

Stealth Spin

A form of slow bowling that causes the ball to disappear mid-flight. Only Shane Warne, Murali and Ajantha Mendis have been able to master this quasi-magical skill. Physicists still debate what exactly happens and where the ball goes. Some say it travels through 'the land of wind and ghosts', others argue the ball enters a 'Cullinan field' - a hypothetical 'anti-space' in the nightmares of Englishmen and South Africans. However, the ball almost always respawns hitting middle and leg.

Sledging

Part of Australian culture, a tradition in which the fielders go on ranting some mantras in a peculiar dialect until the batsman gets bored and gets out.

Some of the more famous Australian chirps include: Ian Healy to Arjuna Ranatunga (Who requested the use of a runner) - "You can't get a runner for being a big, fat, lazy cunt."

The most famous Australian sledges are usually replied to by the recipient in the most brilliant ways:

Eddo Brandes (A huge Zimbabwean farmer) after being asked by Glen McGrath why he's so fat - "Because every time I fuck your mother, she gives me a biscuit."

Ian Botham after being asked by an Australian "How's your wife and my kids?" - "The wife is great, the kids are retarded!"

Ramnaresh Sarwan after being asked by Glen McGrath as to what it feels like to suck Brian Lara's cock - "I don't know, go ask your wife!"

Daryl Cullinan after being told by Shane Warne that he waited 4 years to bowl at him again - "Really, it looks like you spent the time eating!"

They get enraged when the same treatment is given back to them. Just think how Merv Hughes felt - Hughes beat Robin Smiths bat with successive deliveries saying "You can't fucking bat mate". Smith Hit the next ball for four with the words "Hey Merv, we make a good pair don't we - I can't fucking bat and you can't fucking bowl!"

Stump

The remaining part of the limb to which a pirate's square leg is attached.

A wooden leg which has fallen off is said to be off stump.

Middle Stump: Only Jake the Peg has one of these, along with blokes who have a very long penis.

T

Teesra

A bowler who is intent on teasing the batsman until he goes mental and attacks the bowler, being given out for aggressive intent.

Test

Something which cricketers always failed at school, forcing them to become cricketers.

The Wrong 'un

When a bowler makes a mistake and the ball comes out of his hand backwards! Most cases end up with the umpire being hit in the wang!

U

Umpire

Scholars have determined that the word "Umpire" comes from the Latin terms, "Um" and "Pire," "Um" being to hesitate and "Pire" being a stake upon which people are burnt. The Latin word "Umpire," then, literally means "A hesitant burning stake." An umpire (Homo unsapiens cieca) is a creature of the night that lacks the power of vision, officiates at baseball and cricket games, and feeds on human blood.

W

Wide Ball

In the event of a no-ball, a football may be used in place of the usual cricket ball.

A term now banished from all cricket almanacs and match records of the past 157 years (except for this one) and now replaced with the term The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, since the Great Woollongabba Massacre of 1251.

Walking wicket

Sometimes happens, especially while playing in Zimbabwe or Kenya that local shamans cast spell on a wicket in order to make it walk. Reason for that kind of activity is to make an opposing bowler miss wicket. The walking wicket spell usually quickly diminishes but sometimes stronger spells can make the wicket be able to not only walking but also pretend to play cricket. Some of the walking wickets even got into national test teams and that includes Glenn McGrath from Australia or Allan Donald from South Africa.

see also: Chris Martin